Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Survivor Spaces Community

Question 1

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 2

A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully.

Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped when the other child expressed his boundary, there seemed to be no force or manipulation involved, and you never repeated the behavior.

Childhood sexual curiosity is developmentally normal, even when there are age differences involved. Children often explore through touch and observation as they try to understand bodies and differences. The key distinguishing factors that separate normal exploration from concerning behavior include the presence of coercion, repeated boundary violations after being told to stop, or behaviors that cause distress or harm.

Your immediate response to his boundary-setting shows that your childhood curiosity was not driven by harmful intent. You respected his "no" instantly and completely. This is actually a positive indicator that you were engaging in typical childhood exploration rather than problematic behavior.

The exposure to pornography at a young age likely did increase your sexual curiosity, as it does for many children. However, this doesn't mean your actions were predatory or criminal. You were still a child processing confusing information you weren't developmentally ready for.

Many adults carry shame about childhood moments that seem inappropriate through an adult lens, even when those moments were within the range of normal childhood development. The fact that this memory troubles you demonstrates your moral awareness and empathy, not evidence that you did something seriously wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us. We hope this helped ease your mind.

Question 3

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 4

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 5

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

Question 6

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Accepted Answer

When a loved one is going through a difficult time in their healing journey, they may look to you for support or encouragement.  However, it is important to remember that your own mental health is important too. Trauma is extremely painful and sometimes no matter what you do as a bystander, it can feel like not enough. At times like these, you may need to set boundaries to ensure that your needs are addressed as well.

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you have not had much practice. First, think about what your needs and limits are. This can include the level of financial, emotional, and physical help you are willing to provide. When you are ready, share with your loved one in a calm situation, rather than in the heat of the moment. Use “I” statements to show your perspective. After you have communicated these boundaries, it is important to follow through and re-emphasize them when needed. Resist feelings of guilt. This does not mean you do not care about them.

You can also help by suggesting other means of support. Therapists or local crisis centers have experience working with people with trauma and are trained to help. You may also find these services helpful for your own processing. It is not uncommon for local crisis centers to  also offer services for loved ones of those who have experienced trauma.

Just because someone has experienced trauma, does not mean that they have a right to take their anger out on you. If you feel that you are being verbally, physically, or sexually harmed, set a limit if it feels safe, remove yourself from the situation, and seek help if you need it.

It can be difficult to help your friends if you run out of emotional or physical energy. Focusing on your own self-care is not selfish, it sometimes may be necessary. As the saying goes, put your mask on first...then offer assistance.

Question 7

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 8

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. What you've described is a complex and confusing situation that some children face, but aren't sure how to make sense of as adults. Developmentally, it's common for children, especially young ones, to explore their bodies and engage in sexual play with other children as part of learning about their bodies and sexuality. In this vein, some degree of exploratory play between siblings is also not unusual, particularly if there hasn't been a lot of education about boundaries. However, depending on the specific circumstances, duration, and aftermath of sibling sexual play, these experiences can sometimes fall into a complex area known as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA).

There are many reasons a young child might initiate sexual behavior. In some cases, it may be a sign that they themselves have experienced abuse and are acting out what was done to them. However, even children who have not been abused may engage in sexual behavior due to curiosity, lack of boundaries, imitating something they saw in media, seeking physical closeness, or simply discovering that touching certain body parts feels good. At 6 years old, your sibling likely did not fully grasp the implications of their actions or have any abusive intent.

However, this doesn't necessarily mean the experience was harmless for you. Even when the other child is quite young and the touch felt physically pleasurable, sibling sexual experiences can still feel violating or traumatic, especially from an adult perspective. If you're struggling with distress, shame, confusion or other difficult emotions related to this memory, your feelings are valid. The events may have impacted you in ways that are worth processing with a compassionate professional.

You might consider reaching out to a counselor who has experience helping adults work through confusing or distressing childhood sexual experiences. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space for you to explore your memories and feelings. If you feel safe and comfortable, you could also consider discussing the situation with your sibling to get a sense of their perspective and experience. They may be struggling with their own conflicted feelings and memories. However, don't feel obligated to take this step if it doesn't feel right to you.

Most importantly, remember that you were a child dealing with a situation you should never have had to navigate alone. Practice self-compassion as you reflect on and work through this experience. What happened was not your fault. Reach out for further processing and help if you need it. Thank you again for trusting us with this experience.

Question 9

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

Healing from trauma is not a linear process, and it’s common and completely normal to have days that feel a lot worse than others. Having a bad day does not mean you are not improving. It does not mean that you are getting worse.

If you take a step back and think about where you were when you first began your healing process, it can help you see the larger picture and find the improvements you have made and the growth you’ve experienced.

Throughout recovery, it’s important to be kind to yourself. Some days will be easier than others and some days will be harder. You do not have to hold yourself to the same standards and expectations as your best day. It is okay to be gentle with yourself, to prioritize your mental well-being, and to take it easy—if you are able.

Try to engage in an activity that you enjoy or that has helped you feel better in the past when you’ve had a difficult day. This could be a calm or relaxing activity like reading a book or watching a tv show, it could also be an opportunity to express how you are feeling through art or writing.

If talking to other people is your preferred way to relax and feel better, reach out to a friend, partner, or someone who you trust. It is okay to reach out for help on a difficult day.

Even years into recovery, it’s normal to have a bad day pop up unexpectedly now and again. Sometimes a triggering experience can set off a bad day, but other times they just appear out of the blue.

However, the further you get into your recovery journey, the stronger you become at recognizing the signs that a difficult day is happening. You become more resilient and able to cope with the feelings and challenges that accompany a bad trauma day.

Question 10

I was kissed by someone while I was drunk. At the moment, I didn't say no and was into it. However, once the alcohol wore off, I wished it hadn't happened. When I confronted the person and told them they shouldn't have engaged sexually with someone who was drunk and that the only appropriate thing to do with a drunk person is to help them walk or get somewhere safe, they responded by saying that I was the one who approached them repeatedly and didn't let them leave, even tearing up when they tried to go. Does this justify them kissing a drunk person? Does it make them less at fault and me more responsible?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us and sharing your story. The situation you've described is complex and raises important questions about consent and responsibility when alcohol is involved. It's crucial to understand that when someone is intoxicated, their ability to give clear, informed, and enthusiastic consent is compromised. Even if a drunk person seems to be initiating or agreeing to sexual activity, it's the responsibility of the sober party to recognize that the intoxicated person is not in a state to make fully coherent decisions.

Your feelings of regret and unease after the fact are valid and important indicators that something about the situation was not right for you. It's common for people to have different perceptions and desires when they're under the influence compared to when they're sober.

The other person's response, suggesting that you were the one who pursued them and didn't let them leave, seems to be an attempt to shift the blame and responsibility onto you. While it's possible that you were more forward or emotional due to the alcohol, this does not excuse the other person's decision to engage with you sexually.

However, it's important to consider that they may have genuinely misread the situation. If you were being physically affectionate and expressing a desire for them to stay, they might have interpreted that as consent or interest in sexual activity, especially if they lacked education about consent and the impact of alcohol on one's ability to give it.

While this potential misunderstanding doesn't completely absolve them of responsibility, it does add nuance to the situation. It highlights the importance of clear, verbal communication about consent and boundaries, particularly when one or both parties are under the influence.

As the sober party, they had the responsibility to prioritize your safety and well-being, even if that meant firmly but kindly removing themselves from the situation. Kissing someone who is drunk, especially if they are showing signs of emotional distress or impaired judgment, is taking advantage of their vulnerable state.

It's important to remember that you are not responsible for what happened. Being drunk and even being flirtatious does not mean you consented to or deserved to be taken advantage of. The other person, as the sober one, had the power and the obligation to make the right choice, which would have been to not engage with you sexually.

However, it's also important to acknowledge that only you can decide how to make sense of and label this experience. If it feels like a violation or a form of assault to you, that is valid. If you're unsure or hesitant to use those terms, that is also okay. What matters most is how you feel about what happened and what kind of support you need to process it.

Consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist to talk through your feelings. You may also find it helpful to contact a sexual assault hotline or support organization for additional processing of this situation. Remember, you deserve to have your boundaries and well-being respected, and you are not to blame for someone else's decision to take advantage of your intoxicated state. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. You are not alone.

Question 11

I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this question.

To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma to feel guilt, shame, and confusion. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real, or for them to have memory gaps surrounding certain details of these events. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below.

If you think you experienced sexual abuse as a child, remember in its simplest form, child sexual abuse is any sexual encounter that occurs between a child and an older person (as children cannot legally consent to sexual acts). This abuse may involve contact, like touching or penetration. It also includes non-contact cases, like "flashing" or child pornography. The age under which one is considered a child varies by state and sometimes an age differential between the perpetrator and the victim is required.

Labeling your experience is up to you, but for many, putting a name to it allows them to more effectively deal with the feelings they are experiencing in the aftermath. Others would rather not label their experiences and prefer to spend their time looking forward. This is also a strategy you may consider, as long as you feel safe now and the memories you are having are not causing you any distress. Be sure you are not suffering in silence. There are people out there who can support you.

Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust, or emotional connection with a young person or their family so that they can manipulate, exploit, and abuse them. Signs of grooming often include:

1. Targeting the young person

2. Building trust with the young person and their family

3. Isolating the young person

4. Initiating sexual abuse and securing secrecy

If this sounds like what you experienced, then it would make sense why you feel so confused. Remember no matter what happened, it is never your fault. Honor the feelings you are having.

It is also not uncommon for memories of childhood trauma to emerge in adulthood and for you to want to seek help for this experience now. In fact, around 70% of child sexual abuse cases are thought to be disclosed during adulthood. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often have difficulties speaking up about their experience and remembering exact details. Sometimes ‘forgetting’ becomes your brain’s way of surviving and coping.

If you are now remembering scattered details or having vivid memories, it might make sense to try to work through those with a trained mental health professional. If you are unable to make sense of the memories you have, or have blocks of time where you have no memory at all, you may also want to work with a mental health professional to try to retrieve those memories when you are ready. You will want to find a therapist who specifically specializes in trauma or posttraumatic stress disorder. You could also reach out to your local rape crisis center. These centers are typically free of charge and can direct you to resources to support you. Once you have some more answers, you can then decide what you would like to do next.

If you have additional questions or want to begin talking through your experience now, you can reach out to the National Sexual Assault Hotline which is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: Terms of Service - Online Hotline (rainn.org) . They will listen to what you have to say and will direct you to resources in your local area.

It can be very disorienting to process a traumatic experience that happened when you were a child. While the feelings that you are having are not uncommon, it does not make them any less painful. Resist the guilt you may be feeling. You deserve to feel safe and to be supported in your healing journey. Trust your gut and honor all the emotions that come along the way. Recognize you have a community of survivors behind you. You are not alone.

Question 12

If someone who was 12-13 placed their hand on a younger child's fully clothed crotch area for a few seconds, and removed their hand when the younger child said something, would this typically be considered criminal behavior or abuse/assault in the US?

Accepted Answer

This situation involves inappropriate sexual contact with a significant age gap between the children involved. Whether this would be legally classified as abuse, assault, or criminal behavior depends on several factors, including the specific laws in your state, the ages involved, and the context of what happened. Different jurisdictions handle these situations differently, and some might address this through child welfare systems rather than the criminal justice system due to the ages of those involved.

What's important to understand is that even brief contact can cross boundaries, and the age difference between a 12-13 year old and a 5-6 year old is significant in terms of development and power dynamics. At the same time, adolescents are still developing their understanding of boundaries and appropriate behavior. Sexual curiosity is normal, but acting on it in ways that involve touching younger children is not okay, even if it was brief or the older child stopped when told.

If you're struggling with this situation, whether you were the younger child, the older child, or someone else affected by it, those feelings are valid. Many people carry confusion or distress about childhood experiences like this. Speaking with a therapist who understands child development and sexual behavior can help you process what happened and find a path forward.

Question 13

I'm struggling to differentiate between normal childhood curiosity and sexual abuse. These are two hypothetical situations: 1. A twelve-year-old started touching and kissing a four-year-old. She asked them to stop. This happened twice. 2. A twelve-year-old briefly inappropriately touched a four-year-old's private area over clothing, and when asked to stop, they immediately did and nothing more happened ever again. Would situation 1 be viewed as sexual assault/abuse, and situation 2 be viewed as normal childhood curiosity?

Accepted Answer

Thanks for asking aboout this. The distinction between normal childhood curiosity and problematic sexual behavior involves several important factors, with age differences and genuine mutuality being key considerations.

A key difference lies in the age gap between the children and the presence or absence of genuine mutuality. When a four-year-old is interacting with a twelve-year-old, there is already a significant disparity in power, understanding, and development. Children that young do not have the capacity to consent, and a much older child typically has a level of knowledge and influence that makes true "curiosity" difficult to separate from coercion. Normal childhood curiosity typically involves peers of similar ages and developmental stages exploring together with mutual interest, stopping immediately when anyone feels uncomfortable, and generally involving brief, exploratory behaviors rather than repeated actions.

In the first scenario, the younger child begged the older child to stop, but it happened twice anyway. Begging for it to stop indicates a clear refusal that was ignored, and that crosses a line into abusive behavior. Several concerning elements are present: the persistence despite clear communication to stop, the repetition of the behavior, and the significant age and developmental gap between the children. The fact that the behavior continued after the younger child asked it to stop indicates a disregard for boundaries that moves beyond typical curiosity.

In the second scenario, while the initial touching of private areas given the substantial age difference represents problematic sexual behavior that goes beyond typical peer curiosity, the fact that the older child stopped immediately when asked is significant. This immediate response to boundaries, while not excusing the inappropriate nature of the contact, suggests the behavior may have been more impulsive rather than predatory. The lack of repeated behavior after being told to stop is an important distinction that indicates the child was capable of respecting boundaries once they were clearly communicated.

True childhood exploration typically occurs among children of closer ages, tends to be mutual, and stops the moment a boundary is expressed. When a younger child expresses discomfort or says "no," yet the older child proceeds or even initiates such contact, it's generally viewed as a violation rather than harmless play. Both situations would likely benefit from adult intervention and guidance, though the approach might differ, to ensure that all children receive the support and education they need to develop healthy understanding of boundaries and appropriate interactions with others.

If you find yourself questioning these experiences, you are not alone. Many people struggle with how to label interactions that felt confusing or uncomfortable when they were very young. Above all, it is important to listen to your own sense of safety and comfort. Even in childhood, our reactions to being touched show us whether something was consensual exploration or a breach of boundaries that made us feel scared or powerless. Your feelings about these situations are valid regardless of how others might categorize them, and what matters most is how these experiences affected you and getting the support you need to process those feelings. Thank you so much for trusting us with this.

Question 14

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question and for wanting to strengthen your advocacy for survivors of sexual harm. Becoming an effective advocate against sexual violence is a meaningful way to support survivors and contribute to positive change in society. Here are some ways you can start...

Educate yourself thoroughly about sexual violence, consent, and survivor experiences. This includes understanding the various forms of sexual violence, its prevalence, and its impact on individuals and communities. Stay informed about current issues, laws, and policies related to sexual violence.

Learn to be a supportive listener and ally to survivors. Believe survivors when they disclose their experiences and avoid judgmental or victim-blaming language. You never know when a survivor is listening. Understand that each survivor's journey is unique, and respect their choices in how they deal with their experiences.

Challenge myths and misconceptions about sexual violence when you encounter them. This might involve correcting misinformation in conversations, on social media, or in other public forums. Call out victim blaming when you hear it. Be prepared to have difficult conversations and to explain complex issues in accessible ways.

Support organizations working to prevent sexual violence and help survivors. This can involve volunteering, donating, or participating in awareness-raising events. Look for local rape crisis centers, domestic violence shelters, or national organizations that may need support. Quick plug: small, volunteer-led, non-profit organizations like ourselves always benefit from monetary support or volunteer support if you have gifts or talents you think align with our mission and vision. Every little bit helps.

Promote healthy relationships and consent education in your community. This could involve advocating for comprehensive sex education in schools, organizing workshops on consent and healthy relationships, or simply modeling respectful behavior in your own relationships.

Speak out against attitudes and behaviors that contribute to a culture of sexual violence. This includes challenging sexist jokes, calling out harassment when you see it, and promoting gender equality in all areas of life.

Engage with local and national policy-making processes. Write to your representatives about legislation related to sexual violence, attend town hall meetings, or join advocacy groups that lobby for policy changes.

Use your specific skills or platform to raise awareness. Whether you're a writer, artist, educator, or business professional, find ways to incorporate advocacy into your work and daily life.

Practice self-care and set boundaries. Advocacy work can be emotionally challenging, so it's important to take care of your own wellbeing to avoid burnout.

Remember, effective advocacy is often about consistent, long-term efforts rather than grand gestures. Every action, no matter how small, contributes to creating a culture that supports survivors and works to prevent sexual violence.

Question 15

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. We really appreciate you reaching out to find out how to best support the healing of your girlfriend. When your girlfriend shared her experience of sexual assault with you, she placed a great deal of trust in you. It's important to approach the situation with empathy, patience, and understanding.

To start, be sure to listen without judgment when she talks about her assault. If she wants to talk about it more with you, listen actively and avoid asking probing questions or pushing for details she's not ready to share. Let her know you believe her and that the assault was not her fault.

Additionally, it is important to respect her boundaries. She may have triggers or certain situations that make her uncomfortable. Be understanding and follow her lead in terms of physical intimacy and emotional discussions.

If it seems like she is actively struggling mentally or emotionally related to this experience, you may want to gently suggest the idea of seeking help from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. You might even offer to help her find resources or even accompany her to appointments if she wants. If she is not ready yet for external resources, respect her autonomy and let her know you are always ready to revisit the conversation if she changes her mind. Healing from sexual assault is a process that looks different for everyone. Avoid pressuring her to "move on" or heal faster than she is ready for.

Finally, it is also important that you take care of yourself throughout this process. Supporting a loved one through trauma can be emotionally challenging as you may have to manage your own emotions related to the situation. Remember, your role is to be a steady, compassionate presence in her life. Let her know you are there for her whenever she needs you, but also give her space when she requests it. Remind her of her strength and resilience. Your care and understanding can make a significant difference in her healing journey.

Thank you for this question that I am sure many others have. You are not alone.

Question 16

If I want to seek professional help for my experiences, what are my options?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for joining us on this FAQ journey. As we finish this series, we want to remind you about all of the professional options available to you to help in your healing journey. Remember that this process is different for everyone and not everyone chooses to engage in formal services.

Rape Crisis Center--these centers are community-based organizations that provide free, confidential services to anyone impacted by sexual violence. Their services can range from intervention, prevention, advocacy, counseling, and education.

Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (SANE)--these nurses have received special training to conduct sexual assault evidence collection for survivors. SANEs are trained in providing medical, psychological, and forensic exams. These individuals are on-call 24 hours a day and are available whether or not you are sure you want to report.

Mental health counselor--these counselors help patients achieve emotional wellness through curated treatment plans. Finding the right counselor can be difficult. As you research local options, it is important to know what you are looking for in treatment, what type of specialist you would like to see, and remember, it isn’t always a perfect match on the first try.

Reporting--you can report your experience as a crime to local law enforcement via  800.656.HOPE (4673), contacting your local police department, or visiting a medical center or hospital for an exam.

Restorative justice options--this can occur both within or outside the legal system. Under a restorative justice approach, if your perpetrator admits wrongdoing, you can go through a restorative process with a trained facilitator to explain the impact of their actions and set benchmarks they can work towards to repair harm.

Professional services are not for everyone. If you decide you aren’t ready to share your story with anyone out loud yet, consider sharing your story with us at Our Wave (www.ourwave.org).

Whatever you choose, know that we’re right by your side. You’ve got this. Healing is possible.

Question 17

What should I do if I get groped in public by a stranger?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. Being groped in public by a stranger is a deeply violating and traumatic experience that no one should ever have to endure. It's an unfair and unacceptable invasion of your personal space and bodily autonomy. The shock, fear, and distress you might feel in such a situation are completely valid. It's important to acknowledge that this is a form of sexual assault, and you have every right to feel upset, angry, or overwhelmed.

If you're groped in public by a stranger, your safety should be your top priority. Immediately try to move away from the person who groped you. Clearly and loudly say "Stop!" or "Don't touch me!" to draw attention and establish that the contact was unwanted. If you feel safe doing so, report the incident to nearby authority figures like security guards, store managers, or transit officials. You might even consider calling the police to report the sexual assault, especially if you feel in danger, although it is understandable if that does not feel like a safe option for you.

If there are witnesses, ask if they saw what happened and would be willing to corroborate your account. Try to remember details about the perpetrator's appearance to aid in identification. After ensuring your immediate safety, seek support from friends, family, or a counselor to process the experience. You may also want to contact a sexual assault hotline for additional guidance and support.

Remember, the assault was not your fault. You have the right to feel safe in public spaces. It's important to take care of your mental and emotional wellbeing in the aftermath. Everyone reacts differently to such experiences, so be patient with yourself as you process what happened. You are not alone.

Question 18

Is it still considered sexual assault if I was never touched but I felt pressured to sexually touch the other person when I didn’t want to?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for this question. While only you can define what you experienced, based on what you shared this can still certainly be a form of sexual assault, even if you were not physically touched by the other person. Sexual assault is not limited to physical contact. It can also include coercion, manipulation, or pressure to engage in sexual activity that you do not want to do.

If you felt pressured or forced to touch the other person when you didn't want to, that is a violation of your consent and your bodily autonomy. It's important to understand that consent should be freely given, and if you felt like you couldn't say no or if you were made to feel like you owed the other person sexual contact, then that is not true consent.

It's common for survivors of sexual assault to feel confused, ashamed, or unsure about what happened to them, especially if the assault didn't fit the narrow definition of what society often thinks of as sexual assault. But it's important to recognize that your experiences and your feelings are valid, and that you deserve support and healing, no matter what form the assault took.

If you're struggling to process what happened to you or if you're experiencing symptoms of trauma, such as anxiety, depression, or flashbacks, I encourage you to reach out for help. You can talk to a trusted friend or family member, or seek the support of a therapist who specializes in working with survivors of sexual trauma. Remember, you are not alone, and you don't have to go through this all on your own.

It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge what happened to you and to reach out for help, and I want to affirm the strength you've already shown by reaching out to us. Your experiences matter, and you deserve to be heard, believed, and supported. You are not alone.

Question 19

What is self-blame and how can I manage it?

Accepted Answer

Self-blame is a complicated feeling that often accompanies past abuse or trauma. Self-blame can be felt for a variety of reasons. For example, sometimes survivors feel that their behavior encouraged or caused harm to occur to them. Other times survivors may blame themselves for the trauma symptoms they carry afterwards or “not healing fast enough.”

While it is important to be responsible for our healing and hold ourselves accountable for our actions, recognize that no matter what you said or did, no one deserves to be violated. You are not to blame for your experiences. It is not your fault. Full stop.

Self-blame is a reflection of societal norms and the messages we internalize about gender and violence throughout our lives. We receive many messages that promote victim-blaming beliefs which can be reinforced by those around us. Self-blame is also affected by the way our friends and loved ones respond to our personal disclosures of trauma and in questions they ask.

Unlearning self-blame is a long and challenging process, as it’s embedded in so many parts of our daily lives. From the society we live in, to our social circles, to our own experiences. Just because you feel guilty does not mean that those feelings are accurate.

When you feel self-blame, ask yourself whether your feeling is actually appropriate. How would you respond to a friend if they blamed themselves for the same thing? Show the same kindness and understanding to yourself.

Sometimes it also helps to learn more about the societal norms that reinforce self-blame. Naming them and recognizing how they manifest in your world can give these messages less power.

Separate yourself as much as you can from individuals that perpetuate or reinforce the blame you feel. Oftentimes people who blame others are carrying their own internalized self-blame for something they experienced in their past.

Over 60% of survivors report feeling responsible in some way for the abuse they experienced. Know that you are not alone, but also know that you are never responsible for the harmful or abusive actions of another person. Protect your energy and prioritize healing—you deserve to feel peace. Be gentle with yourself.

Question 20

Why do I get aroused when I talk about my sexual abuse?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. Experiencing arousal when discussing sexual abuse can be a confusing and distressing response, but it's important to understand that it's not an uncommon reaction for many survivors. This physical response doesn't imply consent or enjoyment, rather, it may be a result of the body's physiological reactions to stress and trauma.

Arousal can sometimes serve as a coping mechanism or a way for the body to dissociate from the traumatic memories. Remember, your body's reactions are involuntary and do not diminish the validity of your experience. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma can help you navigate these complex feelings and develop coping strategies tailored to your needs. You're not alone, and support is available to help you through this confusing time.

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Topics

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How do I understand why something triggers me?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

If someone who was 12-13 placed their hand on a younger child's fully clothed crotch area for a few seconds, and removed their hand when the younger child said something, would this typically be considered criminal behavior or abuse/assault in the US?

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

If I want to seek professional help for my experiences, what are my options?

What should I do if I get groped in public by a stranger?

Is it still considered sexual assault if I was never touched but I felt pressured to sexually touch the other person when I didn’t want to?

What is self-blame and how can I manage it?

Why do I get aroused when I talk about my sexual abuse?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

If I want to seek professional help for my experiences, what are my options?

What is self-blame and how can I manage it?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

When I was young, my younger sibling who was 6 at the time repeatedly engaged in sexual acts with me over the course of a week. I allowed it to happen because it felt good at the time and I didn't think it was wrong. Does this count as child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

I think I might've been groomed and sexually abused as a child, but my memory feels very scrambled. I feel guilty for thinking I might've been assaulted, what do I do?

How can someone become an effective advocate against sexual violence?

What should I do if I get groped in public by a stranger?

Why do I get aroused when I talk about my sexual abuse?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How to deal with people with trauma who cross your boundaries because of it?

How can I deal with “bad days” when I am healing from trauma?

If someone who was 12-13 placed their hand on a younger child's fully clothed crotch area for a few seconds, and removed their hand when the younger child said something, would this typically be considered criminal behavior or abuse/assault in the US?

My girlfriend told me that before she was with me, she was sexually assaulted. How can I help her?

Is it still considered sexual assault if I was never touched but I felt pressured to sexually touch the other person when I didn’t want to?

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