Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Survivor Spaces Community

Question 1

I'm unsure if I perpetrated COCSA in my childhood (around age 9-10) or if it was just my natural curiosity. It involved examining a younger relative's genitals (4 years younger) during play, motivated by curiosity about my own body after an injury. There was no force used or explicit sexual activity, but I'm confused about whether the age difference makes this concerning. I didn't fully understand the implications at the time. I plan to discuss this with a professional, but I'm looking for initial guidance on how to categorize and understand this childhood experience.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this sensitive experience. It's understandable that you're trying to make sense of this childhood incident and its implications. Based on the information provided, this situation seems to fall into a gray area. While there was an age difference and curiosity about bodies involved, it doesn't appear to meet the typical criteria for COCSA (Child-on-Child Sexual Abuse).

When evaluating situations like this, it's crucial to consider both intent and impact. Your intent appears to have been curiosity and exploration rather than any desire to harm or exploit. This is an important factor, as children's motivations are often very different from adults in similar situations. However, we must also consider the potential impact on the younger child, even if unintended.

The primary factors to consider are your age and level of understanding at the time, the absence of force or coercion, the context of play and curiosity rather than sexual gratification, and the lack of explicit sexual activity. It's important to recognize that children often engage in exploratory behaviors as they try to understand their bodies and the world around them. This curiosity is generally considered a normal part of development, especially when it doesn't involve force or explicit sexual acts.

However, the age difference and the nature of the interaction do raise some concerns, which is likely why you're feeling uncertain about it now. It's positive that you're reflecting on this and seeking to understand it better. This reflection shows an awareness of the potential impact of our actions, even those from childhood.

Moving forward, it's an excellent idea to discuss this with a mental health professional. They can help you navigate the complex interplay between intent and impact, providing a more comprehensive assessment based on all the details. They can also help you process any feelings associated with this memory.

Remember that children cannot be held to the same standards of behavior as adults. Your intentions and level of understanding at the time are crucial factors, but so is learning from past experiences. If you're experiencing guilt or anxiety over this, a therapist can help you work through these emotions in a healthy way.

This experience doesn't define you. What's important is how you choose to learn and grow from reflecting on past experiences, considering both your intentions and the potential impact of your actions. Your thoughtful approach to understanding this incident demonstrates maturity and responsibility. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 2

When we were children of approximately 7 years old, my friend and I had sexual experiences on several occasions. At first she would agree, but the last two times I vividly remember how she would tell me "I don't feel like it" but I would insist. After those two times there were no more because I understood that what I was doing wasn't right. We continued being friends normally, but my sexual life got worse. Despite everything, I can't forgive myself but I also can't live with this. What can I do?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for reaching out to us. What you describe is an incredibly painful experience to carry, and I want you to know that the fact that you're reflecting on this with such awareness speaks to your moral growth and capacity for empathy. It sounds like you have been carrying guilt about what happened since you were both very young and didn't fully understand boundaries or the impact of your actions. You were only around seven yourself, and children at that age generally don't have the emotional maturity or self-awareness to navigate sexual boundaries the way adults do.

It's crucial to understand that very young children, especially around age 7, are at a developmental stage where understanding of consent, boundaries, and sexuality is just forming. Brain development at that age means that complex concepts like consent, long-term consequences, and emotional empathy are still in the process of maturing. Children naturally explore their bodies and may engage in curiosity-driven activities without grasping how certain actions can cause harm or discomfort to others. It's important to remember that you were a child, and the responsibility to maintain healthy boundaries should never have been placed on you at that age.

Your strong feelings of shame, regret, and self-blame today reveal that you've developed a deeper understanding over time, which is common when childhood experiences resurface in adulthood. The remorse you feel now doesn't erase the past, but it does show you've grown and have a moral understanding that you weren't capable of having back then. What's significant here is that you recognized something was wrong and stopped, which shows that your moral compass was working even at such a young age.

The impact you describe on your current sexual life is common among people who carry similar childhood experiences. You've mentioned that your sex life got worse and that you are struggling to forgive yourself. This kind of turmoil often happens when we judge our childhood actions by the standards we hold as adults. Guilt and shame can manifest in many ways: difficulties with intimacy, sexual self-esteem issues, anxiety during sexual encounters, or a generalized feeling of not deserving pleasure or connection. Your brain may have associated sexuality with feelings of guilt and pain, creating patterns that persist into adulthood.

Healing from this type of experience frequently requires specialized professional support. It can help to speak with someone who understands childhood development and the complexities of sexual exploration among young children. A counselor or mental health professional experienced in trauma, childhood sexual behavior, or sexuality can provide you with the tools to process your guilt and find healthier ways to cope with these memories.

Even though you might feel alone, you're not the only person who has wrestled with shame and confusion over early experiences like this. Seeking supportive resources, like confiding in a trusted friend or mentor, finding a survivor-informed professional, or contacting organizations that offer helplines, can be an important step. Talking with someone who can listen without judgment might help you express the pain you've been holding inside.

The healing process may also include developing a more compassionate understanding of yourself as a child. This doesn't mean minimizing the importance of consent or excusing harmful behaviors, but rather recognizing the limitations of childhood development and the context in which these events occurred. Over time, self-forgiveness often arises from understanding what shaped your childhood actions, recognizing what you've learned since then, and acknowledging the empathy and conscientiousness you show today.

Consider also that genuine responsibility and remorse can be transformed into positive action. Some people find healing through involvement in consent education, abuse prevention work, or simply by committing to being a person who respects boundaries in all their future relationships. You deserve kindness and compassion, even toward that much younger version of yourself who didn't yet have the ability to fully understand consent and boundaries. Thank you for trusting us with this. You do not have to carry this burden alone.

Question 3

When I was around 5, I was exposed to pornography (my memories of how this happened are unclear). I began mimicking these behaviors, which led to sexual exploration with my siblings - including mutual touching with my older brother, and inappropriate 'doctor' games with my younger sister, which I stopped when I realized she was uncomfortable.

During this same period, I developed an intense fear of men, particularly my swimming teacher, older men, and my stepdad. I also became afraid of being touched.

Now, 12 years later, I'm struggling with guilt, shame, and compulsive sexual behaviors. I've never talked about this before, and I need help understanding what happened and how to heal. Is what I experienced normal childhood behavior, or was it something else? How can I move forward?

Accepted Answer

I really appreciate you trusting us with this. It takes immense courage to open up about such personal experiences, especially when it's the first time you're speaking about them. Please know that you're not alone, and your feelings are valid.

Discovering pornography at such a young age can be confusing and overwhelming. Children are naturally curious, and when exposed to adult content before they're ready, they might imitate what they see without fully understanding it. It's not uncommon for children who have encountered sexual material early on to explore these behaviors with siblings or peers. This doesn't make you a bad person; it means you were a child trying to make sense of something beyond your comprehension.

Engaging in those activities with your brother, sister, and friends could be a response to your early exposure and it's important to remember that you didn't have the capacity to fully grasp the implications of those actions. The fact that you stopped when your sister expressed discomfort shows your innate sense of empathy, even at a young age.

The fear you developed towards men, including your swimming teacher, older men, and even your stepdad, might be connected to your early experiences with pornography and the confusion it caused. Sometimes, early exposure or experiences can lead to anxiety or fear around certain people, even if we can't pinpoint exactly why. Your discomfort with being touched could also be a response to those confusing early experiences.

Feeling guilt and shame is a heavy burden to carry, especially when these feelings stem from events that happened in your childhood. It's important to acknowledge that you were a child navigating complex situations without the understanding or guidance needed to process them. You didn't do anything wrong-- you were trying to make sense of the world around you.

Struggling with an addiction to sexual things now might be a way your mind and body are coping with unresolved feelings from the past. These patterns can develop when early experiences impact how we understand and relate to sexuality.

Consider reaching out to a mental health professional who can provide a safe and supportive space for you to explore these feelings and experiences. A therapist can help you process what happened, understand how it affects you today, and work with you on strategies to heal and move forward.

You're not alone in this journey, and there are people who care and want to help. Be gentle with yourself, and know that healing is possible. Thank you for trusting us with your story. We appreciate your trust.

Question 4

I don't think I was abused as a child, but starting in high school I began having fleeting relationships with lots of sex. It was common in my friend group. I've continued a pattern of being attracted to people who treat me badly. How can I change this pattern?

Accepted Answer

It sounds like you've been carrying a sense of frustration and maybe even some self-blame for being caught in a cycle of relationships that don't uplift or respect you. What you're describing reflects patterns that many people recognize in their own lives, even when they don't have clear memories of childhood trauma. These behaviors can develop as responses to various experiences, including emotional neglect, boundary violations that might not register as "abuse" at the time, or growing up in environments where healthy relationship modeling wasn't present.

When we start having sexual experiences very young, especially when it becomes a dominant way of connecting with others, it can sometimes indicate that we learned early on to use our bodies or sexuality as a way to feel valued, wanted, or in control. This isn't about making poor choices—it's often about adapting to circumstances with the tools and understanding we had available at the time. The pattern of being attracted to people who treat you badly might reflect what feels familiar or what you've internalized about your own worth and what kind of treatment you deserve.

It's understandable that, when these patterns start early, like in high school, you might feel they're too ingrained to change. The fact that you're asking how you can "change your pattern" shows you're ready to look at them and make choices that feel healthier for you. It may help to remind yourself that you deserve relationships where respect and genuine care are present. That truth doesn't vanish, no matter what your past has looked like or how many difficult relationships you've experienced.

Moving forward often involves being curious about what you look for in a partner, and paying closer attention to how those values line up with the kind of care and respect you want in your life. It might also mean stepping back from people who reinforce that old pattern of being treated badly, even if you've known them for a long time. Taking small but consistent steps toward healthier connections (like surrounding yourself with friends or communities who show respect and kindness, or talking your feelings through with someone you trust) can help break those long-standing cycles.

Breaking these patterns is absolutely possible, though it often requires patience with yourself and sometimes professional support to understand the underlying beliefs and experiences that shaped them. Many people find that therapy, particularly trauma-informed approaches, can be incredibly helpful in understanding these patterns and developing healthier ways of connecting with others. You're not locked into one path, even if it felt that way for a long time. Every time you reach out, set a boundary, or choose kindness toward yourself instead of blame, you're taking a step toward changing those patterns you're worried are set. You deserve relationships built on respect, care, and genuine affection and recognizing that these patterns exist is already an important step toward creating the change you're seeking.

Question 5

I believe I was sexually abused by a friend when I was a child. She was a classmate of my brother and 5-6 years older than me. Our families were close, which led to us becoming friends despite the age difference. When I was around 6-8 years old, she made us 'play' in a way that involved oral sex. I hated it and tried to avoid doing it 'properly' without her noticing. I tried to forget about the experience, but I think it has taken a toll on me, especially when I started dating. As a lesbian, I struggled with setting boundaries and expressing my needs during sexual encounters. When I tried to perform oral sex on my then-partner, I didn't enjoy it and forced myself to continue even though I wanted it to stop. I believe that what happened to me as a child has affected me as an adult, and I'm seeking validation and information on how childhood sexual abuse can impact a person later in life.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry that you experienced this situation with your brother's friend when you were a child. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings about the experience are completely valid. It's common for individuals who have gone through experiences like this to try to bury or minimize related memories, especially when the other person involved was someone close to them or of the same gender. However, these experiences can have long-lasting effects on a person's mental health, relationships, and sexual well-being.

Based on what you shared, it sounds like what happened to you was not consensual and constitutes as sexual abuse. Even though you were young, you knew that you didn't like the sexual activity and tried to avoid engaging in it fully. This demonstrates that you did not want or enjoy what was happening, despite the other person's attempts to frame it as "play." It also sounds like there was a significant age gap and potential power dynamics at play here. That is also very concerning.

The struggles you describe with setting boundaries, communicating your needs, and feeling comfortable during sexual encounters are common challenges for individuals who have experienced sexual trauma. Having your boundaries crossed at a young age can make it difficult to assert yourself and express your desires later in life. Forcing yourself to continue with sexual activities that you don't enjoy is a coping mechanism that many people in similar situations use, but it can ultimately be harmful to your emotional and sexual well-being.

Childhood sexual abuse can significantly impact intimate relationships as an adult. Survivors may struggle with trust, communication, and vulnerability, which are essential components of a fulfilling partnership. They may also experience fear, anxiety, or even physical discomfort during sexual encounters, making it challenging to relax and enjoy intimacy. Some survivors may engage in risky sexual behaviors or have difficulty establishing boundaries, while others may avoid sexual relationships altogether. These challenges are not a reflection of the survivor's worth or ability to love, but rather a common response to the trauma they experienced.

It's crucial to remember that healing is possible. Seeking support from a therapist who specializes in working with individuals who have experienced sexual trauma can be incredibly beneficial. They can help you process your memories, validate your experiences, and develop healthy coping strategies for navigating sexual relationships as an adult. They may also work with you on building self-esteem, communication skills, and boundary-setting, which can be essential for fostering healthy, fulfilling partnership

Only you can label your experiences. You may find it helpful to connect with others who have gone through something similar, either through support groups or online communities. Sharing your story and hearing from others can help you feel less alone and provide valuable insights into the healing process.

What happened to you was not your fault, and you deserve to have healthy, fulfilling relationships and sexual experiences. Be patient and compassionate with yourself. Your experience matters. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Question 6

Tengo recuerdos que recientemente recuperé sobre mi hermano mayor haciendo pasar actos sexuales como un juego secreto cuando yo tenía 5 o 6 años. Desde entonces, he recordado otros momentos en los que él me tocó, lo cual me hizo sentir incómodo y asustado. No sé si estos recuerdos son reales y no sé cómo lidiar con esto. No quiero enfrentar a mi hermano sobre este tema, ya que estoy seguro de que él tampoco era consciente de la magnitud de lo que estaba haciendo.

I have memories that I recently recovered about my older brother passing off sexual acts as a secret game when I was 5 or 6 years old. Since then, I have remembered other moments where he touched me which made me uncomfortable and scared. I don't know if these memories are real and I don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to confront my brother about this issue, as I am sure that he was not aware of the magnitude of what he was doing either.

Accepted Answer

Gracias por comunicarte con nosotros sobre esto. Parece que lo que pasaste fue extremadamente confuso y angustiante para ti. El abuso sexual, independientemente de la edad del agresor o de su comprensión de sus acciones, nunca es tu culpa y puede tener efectos emocionales y psicológicos duraderos.

Es importante recordar que tú eres el experto en tus propias experiencias, y tus sentimientos y recuerdos son válidos. No es inusual que las personas que han sufrido abuso sexual en la infancia repriman los recuerdos del(los) evento(s) como un mecanismo de afrontamiento, solo para que estos resurjan más tarde en la vida. El hecho de que ahora estés recordando estas experiencias no disminuye su validez o impacto en tu bienestar.

Es natural sentirse confundido o inseguro acerca de la realidad de estos recuerdos, especialmente dada la naturaleza sensible de la situación y la participación de un miembro de la familia. Puede ser útil explorar estos recuerdos y sentimientos con un profesional de la salud mental calificado que se especialice en trabajar con personas que han sufrido abuso sexual en la infancia. Ellos pueden proporcionar un espacio seguro y sin prejuicios para ayudarte a procesar tus experiencias y determinar el mejor camino a seguir para tu situación única.

Recuerda, tus sentimientos de incomodidad, miedo y confusión son válidos y justificados. Nadie tiene derecho a tocarte de manera inapropiada u obligarte a participar en actos sexuales, independientemente de su relación contigo.

Si bien enfrentar a tu hermano puede no ser el camino que elijas tomar, es crucial que priorices tu propia curación y bienestar. Buscar el apoyo de un profesional o alguien en quien confíes puede ser un paso esencial para dar sentido a tus recuerdos y experiencias, así como para desarrollar estrategias de afrontamiento que apoyen tu proceso de curación. No estás solo. Gracias por comunicarte con nosotros.

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Thank you for reaching out about this. It sounds like what you went through was extremely confusing and distressing for you. Sexual abuse, regardless of the perpetrator's age or understanding of their actions, is never your fault and can have long-lasting emotional and psychological effects.

It is important to remember that you are the expert of your own experiences, and your feelings and memories are valid. It is not uncommon for people who have experienced childhood sexual abuse to repress memories of the event(s) as a coping mechanism, only to have them resurface later in life. The fact that you are now remembering these experiences does not diminish their validity or impact on your well-being.

It is natural to feel confused or unsure about the reality of these memories, especially given the sensitive nature of the situation and the involvement of a family member. It may be helpful to explore these memories and feelings with a qualified mental health professional who specializes in working with people who have experienced childhood sexual abuse. They can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to help you process your experiences and determine the best path forward for your unique situation.

Remember, your feelings of discomfort, fear, and confusion are valid and justified. No one has the right to touch you inappropriately or force you to engage in sexual acts, regardless of their relationship to you.

While confronting your brother may not be the path you choose to take, it is crucial that you prioritize your own healing and well-being. Seeking support from a professional or someone you trust can be an essential step in making sense of your memories and experiences, as well as developing coping strategies to support your healing process. You are not alone. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 7

Why do I feel so disgusted by myself? It's been months since he touched me and days since I was stalked, and I still feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Why can't I move past this?

Accepted Answer

There is nothing wrong with you for still feeling this way. The disgust you're feeling is not about who you are...it's about what was done to you. But trauma has a cruel way of turning that outward violation inward, making you feel like the wrongness lives inside your body rather than in the actions of the person who harmed you.

When someone touches you without your consent, it can fundamentally disrupt your sense of ownership over your own body. Your skin, which is supposed to be yours alone, was treated as though it belonged to someone else. That violation can leave a residue that feels almost physical, like something is on you or in you that you can't wash off. The disgust you're describing is your mind and body's way of saying "this wasn't supposed to happen to me," and that reaction is actually a healthy, protective response, even though it feels unbearable right now.

And here's something important: you're not just healing from one thing. You mentioned being stalked just days ago. Stalking is its own form of violation. It strips away your sense of safety, privacy, and control over your own space and movements. When someone is stalking you, your nervous system doesn't get the chance to come down from high alert. Your body can't begin to fully process the trauma of being touched when it's simultaneously dealing with the ongoing threat of being watched and followed. These experiences are compounding each other, and it makes complete sense that you feel uncomfortable in your own skin right now, because multiple people have treated your body and your presence as something they're entitled to.

The timeline of healing is not measured in months. There is no expiration date on how long you're "allowed" to feel the impact of what happened to you, and the fact that the stalking is still so recent means your system is actively coping with ongoing threat, not just processing something from the past. Please try to be gentle with yourself about where you are right now. You are not behind. You are carrying the weight of someone else's actions in your body, and your body is asking for time, safety, and support to let that weight go. If you're able to access a trauma-informed therapist or advocate, they can help you work through both of these experiences and begin rebuilding that sense of safety and home within yourself. You deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin again, and with the right support, that is absolutely possible.

Question 8

Why did I become hypersexual around males after being sexually assaulted? Could this be connected to the assaults or to growing up with an abusive father? Or is this just who I am?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. I want to start by addressing your last question first...no, this is not "just who you are." The fact that you're asking this question at all tells me that this behavior feels foreign to you, like something that doesn't quite align with who you know yourself to be underneath it all. That instinct is worth trusting.

Hypersexuality is one of the most common and most misunderstood responses to sexual trauma. After being sexually assaulted, your brain and body went through something that fundamentally disrupted your sense of safety, control, and autonomy. Hypersexuality can develop as the mind's attempt to regain some of that control by approaching the thing that was used to harm you on your own terms. This can create an illusion of power over what happened. It can also be a way of seeking validation, connection, or proof of your own worth through sexual attention, particularly if the trauma left you feeling powerless or devalued. Sometimes it's the body replaying a trauma pattern almost compulsively, not because you want it, but because your nervous system got stuck in a loop it doesn't know how to break.

The fact that this pattern specifically involves males adds another important layer, especially given that you also experienced abuse from your father. Growing up with an abusive father can deeply shape how you understand your value in relation to men (e.g. what you believe you're worth to them, what you think they want from you, and what you feel you need to do to earn safety, love, or approval). When sexual assault is layered on top of that foundation, hypersexual behavior around men can become a place where both wounds intersect. It may be difficult to untangle exactly how much comes from the assaults versus your father's abuse, and the truth is, it's likely both working together. These experiences don't exist in isolation. They build on each other and create patterns that can feel impossible to step outside of.

What I want you to hear most clearly is that this response does not define you. It is not a character flaw, and it is not evidence that something is wrong with who you are at your core. It is your mind and body responding to painful experiences in a way that made sense given what you've been through. Many survivors experience this, and many have found their way to a different relationship with their sexuality...one that feels more like their own. A trauma-informed therapist can help you gently explore where these patterns come from and support you in building a sense of sexuality and connection that feels authentic to you, rather than driven by what was done to you. You deserve that.

Question 9

I previously asked about self-touch during a storytelling game with my sister. I've since apologized and she laughed it off, saying she was willing. However, during a severe OCD episode, I had an intrusive thought or possible memory of my sister trying to change the subject while I continued with the story and self-touch. I don't know if this memory is real or a product of my OCD. I'm afraid to bring it up to my sister in case she repressed it, but I'm also too scared to talk to a therapist because I'm worried about what I might have done. What should I do?

Accepted Answer

Thanks for following up about this. First, I want to gently acknowledge that OCD is doing exactly what it does best right now...finding a new angle to pull you back into the cycle of doubt, guilt, and rumination. That's important context for everything you're feeling in this moment.

One of the most well-documented features of OCD is its ability to generate intrusive thoughts that feel like memories, or to distort and rewrite actual memories until you can no longer tell the difference. This is especially true during severe episodes. The uncertainty you're feeling (e.g. "I don't know if this is real or OCD") is itself a hallmark of how OCD operates. It thrives in that gray area and wants you to keep searching for certainty you may never find.

Here's what I want you to hear clearly: talking to a therapist, specifically one experienced in OCD is the single most important step you can take right now. A therapist trained in OCD will not judge you. They hear these kinds of fears regularly, and they understand that the terror you feel about being a bad person is the OCD talking, not evidence of who you are. You do not need to have all the answers about this memory before seeking help. In fact, trying to figure it out on your own is likely feeding the cycle.

Reaching out to your sister for reassurance right now, while in an OCD spiral, would likely function as a compulsion rather than a genuine resolution, and it carries the risks you've already identified. A therapist can help you work through this in a way that protects both you and your sister. You deserve that support, and seeking it is not an admission of guilt...it's an act of courage. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 10

Can it still be considered sexual assault or abuse if the person was the same age as me? They didn't directly pressure me into intimacy in the moment, but they had been manipulating me into doing what they wanted in other ways for three years leading up to it. Does the history of manipulation matter?

Accepted Answer

This is such an important question thank you for asking it. When we talk about consent, it's easy to focus narrowly on what happened in the moment: Was there direct pressure? Did someone say no? But true consent requires so much more than the absence of force or explicit coercion in a single instance. Consent requires the genuine freedom to say yes or no without fear of consequences, and that freedom can be deeply compromised by patterns of manipulation that have been built up over time. Three years of someone conditioning you to comply with what they wanted creates a dynamic where your ability to freely choose is fundamentally affected, even if they didn't overtly pressure you during the intimate encounter itself.

Manipulation works precisely because it's often subtle and cumulative. Over time, it can reshape how you see yourself in relation to another person. For example, what you feel you owe them, what you believe will happen if you don't go along, how much space you feel you have to assert your own needs and boundaries. When someone has spent years training you to prioritize their wants, your "choice" in an intimate moment doesn't exist in a vacuum. It exists within the entire context of that relationship and the power dynamic that was carefully constructed long before that moment arrived.

The fact that this person was the same age as you does not disqualify your experience from being harmful, abusive, or assaultive. Peers can absolutely create power imbalances through manipulation, emotional control, and other coercive behaviors. Age equality does not automatically equal power equality. What matters is the dynamic between you and a dynamic shaped by three years of manipulation is not one built on mutual respect and freely given choice.

You don't need anyone else to label your experience for you. Only you can determine what feels true about what happened. But I want you to know that if what you're describing doesn't sit right with you (if it feels like something was taken from you or like your ability to choose was truly compromised) those feelings make complete sense given what you've shared. You deserved a relationship where your boundaries and autonomy were respected, not one where years of manipulation laid the groundwork for someone to get what they wanted. Whatever you decide to call this experience, your feelings about it are valid, and you deserve support as you process it.

Question 11

When I was younger, I became friends with a new girl at school. Over time, she began crossing my physical boundaries in small ways...touching my waist and putting her legs on mine. She also isolated me from my other friendships, turned people against me, and told me I was selfish if I had friends besides her. She tried to manipulate my parents and took over my hobbies and interests. She made it clear that if I didn't do what she wanted, there would be consequences, and I felt powerless and alone. During this same time, I was also being sexualized and objectified by two other girls at school. Eventually, after years of this dynamic, we were talking about the sexual experiences our friends were having, and I could tell she wanted something to happen between us. I felt like I didn't have a choice, so I suggested it, and we kissed. This happened three times before I told her I didn't want to do it anymore. My mother firmly believes this was sexual abuse. But I'm the one who suggested it, so how could it not be my fault? After years of her manipulation and mind games, was my ability to consent compromised? Am I to blame?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal and painful. I can hear how much weight you've been carrying around this. What you're describing is a pattern of behavior that unfolded over years before anything sexual ever took place. It sounds like this person systematically crossed your physical boundaries, isolated you from your other friendships, manipulated the people around you, took over your interests and identity, and made you believe that failing to comply with her wishes would result in losing even more. By the time the sexual contact occurred, you had already spent years being conditioned to believe that your needs didn't matter and that resisting her would only lead to more loss. That context is essential to understanding what happened.

You mentioned that you were the one who suggested it, and I understand why that feels so significant to you. But I want to gently reframe what you described. You said yourself that she made it clear there would be repercussions if you didn't do what she wanted. You said you could tell she wanted something sexual to happen. You said you felt like you didn't have a choice. And your reasoning in the moment (that if you did this, maybe she would leave the boy you loved alone) reveals that this wasn't a free, enthusiastic choice. It was a survival strategy. You were trying to protect something that mattered to you from someone who had already taken so much.

True consent requires the freedom to say no without fear of consequences. When someone has spent years manipulating you, isolating you, and punishing you for not complying, that freedom doesn't exist. The fact that the words came from your mouth doesn't mean the choice was truly yours. Coercion doesn't always look like someone physically forcing you...it can look exactly like what you described: years of control, manipulation, and fear that slowly erode your sense of agency until you feel like going along with what someone wants is the only option you have. Your ability to freely consent was absolutely compromised by the dynamic she created.

It may also help to understand that young people who are navigating their own identity, including their sexual orientation, sometimes act out in ways that are confusing or harmful to others, particularly when they don't have the language, support, or safe spaces to explore those feelings openly. It's possible that this girl was struggling with her own feelings and identity in ways she didn't know how to express or process, and that some of her behavior was rooted in that confusion. This doesn't excuse what she did to you...none of that was okay. The harm it caused you is real regardless of what she may have been going through internally, but holding space for that complexity can sometimes help make sense of a situation that otherwise feels impossible to understand. Her struggles don't minimize yours, and your experience deserves to be honored fully on its own terms.

It's also important to acknowledge that all of this was happening while you were simultaneously being sexualized and objectified by two other girls at school. You were navigating multiple situations where your boundaries and autonomy were not being respected, which would have made you even more vulnerable and exhausted.

I also want to address something about your mother's perspective. It's clear that she loves you and is trying to protect you. Her belief that this was sexual abuse comes from a place of care. However, only you get to decide what language feels right for your experience. Having someone else label what happened to you (even someone who loves you) can sometimes add to the confusion rather than ease it, especially when you're still processing. You may come to agree with your mother, or you may find that different words feel more accurate to you, and either is okay. What matters is that you are the one who gets to define your own experience, in your own time.

If these feelings of shame and self-blame are weighing heavily on you, a trauma-informed therapist who understands the dynamics of coercion and manipulation can be an incredibly valuable support in helping you work through them. You deserve to process this experience with someone who can help you see what so many of us can already see...that this was not your fault. You deserve that compassion, especially from yourself. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 12

I am having memories come up from when I was younger, and I'm beginning to wonder if what happened could be considered COCSA. My cousin and I were playing a game...I think we were playing house. I don't remember what happened before, but I remember him pinning me down on the ground and trying to kiss me. He wouldn't let me get up and kept asking until I did. I can't remember much else as the memory is really fuzzy. I remember feeling trapped and confused and like I couldn't tell anyone. I don't know if this could be considered child-on-child sexual abuse or if I'm overreacting. I don't want to call it something it's not, but it felt that way. It's also confusing because I can't remember all the details. Could this be COCSA?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing something so personal with us. It takes a lot of courage to put these kinds of memories into words, especially when they feel incomplete or uncertain. What you're describing does involve some elements that are commonly associated with COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse). COCSA generally refers to sexual behavior between children that involves force, coercion, a power imbalance, or a lack of mutual consent. The key details you remember (e.g. feeling trapped, being physically held down, and being pressured until you gave in) suggest that this interaction was not mutual or consensual on your part, even within a game. It seems like there were some elements of coercion here.

I also want to gently address your concern about overreacting. It's incredibly common for survivors to question whether their experience "counts" or whether they're making too much of it, especially when the other person involved was also a child. But your feelings about what happened are important and valid. Those emotional responses are telling you something meaningful about how this experience affected you and they deserve to be taken seriously regardless of what label you ultimately choose to use.

The fact that your memories are fuzzy and fragmented is also completely normal. Trauma, especially childhood trauma, can affect the way memories are stored and recalled. When something distressing happens, our brains don't always record events in a neat, linear way. You may remember certain details vividly while other parts remain blurry or missing entirely. This doesn't mean your experience didn't happen or that it wasn't significant. Many survivors describe their memories in exactly this way, and incomplete memories do not make your experience any less real or valid.

You get to decide what language feels right for you when describing this experience. Whether you call it COCSA, whether you use other words, or whether you're still figuring that out...all of that is okay. What matters most is that you honor what you felt then and what you're feeling now. If these memories are causing you distress, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist can be incredibly helpful in processing fragmented memories and the emotions that come with them, at whatever pace feels safe for you. You deserve that support.

Question 13

How do I know who answered my question? Can I assume the same person answered both the original question and any follow-up questions in the comments?

Accepted Answer

Great question! The author of each answered question will always be listed, so you'll always know who provided the original response. However, we cannot guarantee answers to follow-up questions in the comments at this time. Occasionally, our team may try to respond, but the primary purpose of the comments section is for community discussion rather than expert follow-up. We wish we could answer every follow-up, but our current bandwidth doesn't allow for it. We appreciate your understanding, and we're grateful you're here and engaging with the community.

Question 14

How can our organization become a part of your directory?  Do you offer an HTML that can be embedded on our website?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this! We appreciate your organization’s desire to connect with us and become part of our resource directory. We do accept requests from groups that share our commitment to supporting survivors and we have a straightforward process for reviewing and adding new organizations. Please email us at hello@ourwave.org to get started. Once you reach out and provide the relevant information about your mission, location, and services, a member of our team will meet with you to guide you through any additional steps. Regarding the HTML you mentioned, we offer options to embed our platform on external websites. Please reach out to hello@ourwave.org about that request as well, but we are always happy for your to list us as a resource to your audience. Our main goal is to maintain clear and reliable listings that serve people seeking help, and we appreciate the chance to explore ways to extend our collective reach even further!

Question 15

When I was a child (8), an older sibling (12) showed me child pornography over the course of a few weeks. Eventually, when no adults were home, they told me to take photos of myself imitating the pornography they had shown me. They also showed me their genitals, let me touch them, and then performed a sexual act on me. Adults came home in the middle of it, but I can't clearly remember what happened next...I just know I refused to talk to anyone about it. I didn't fight or say no, and I think part of me felt curiosity and even wanted to seem mature. Does this count as COCSA or sibling abuse, or was it just normal children stuff? It also bothers me that I don't know what happened to those photos. Is it reasonable to be upset about that even though I don't know what they were used for? I'm also confused because after that period, my sibling went back to acting completely normal, and it feels like I'm the only one still affected.

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry you've been wrestling with these questions. Thank you for trusting us with this. Nothing about what you described sounds like "normal children stuff." What you are describing seems to go far behind normal childhood curiosity and I would love to share more about my thoughts around it.

Children naturally have some level of curiosity, but it sounds like this reached a level that went well past simple interest or games. It involved explicit sexual content, a difference in ages and understanding, and behaviors that you weren't old enough to consent to. A four-year age difference between siblings does create a power imbalance, and when an older child repeatedly introduces sexual content or requests, it typically goes beyond normal childhood exploration. These behaviors reflect planning and escalation, which are hallmarks of child-on-child sexual abuse, or COCSA. Normal childhood sexual curiosity tends to be mutual, spontaneous, and between children of similar ages and developmental stages. What your sibling did sounds like it involved deliberate grooming...slowly desensitizing you with pornography over a period of weeks before escalating to direct contact. That pattern of behavior is concerning.

Having been only eight years old when this occurred, it was never your job to recognize or resist a situation that felt confusing or unsafe. The fact that you didn't fight, didn't say no, or even felt some curiosity does not change what this was. You were a child who had been gradually exposed to sexual content you had no framework to understand. Children naturally try to make sense of confusing situations. They often seek attention and affection any way they can. Feeling like you were being "mature" is a completely understandable response from a child in that position. Many survivors describe similar feelings, and it does not mean you were a willing participant or that this was somehow your fault. The responsibility always lies with the older child who crossed those boundaries. Your sibling was older, had more knowledge and power in that dynamic, and made choices that you (as a younger child) were not equipped to consent to or fully understand.

Your discomfort and anger about the photos make perfect sense, even if you don't know exactly whether they were kept or used. You do not need to know what happened to those photos in order to feel upset about their existence. It is reasonable to have lingering distress about images that were taken without your true, informed consent. The act of directing a child to create those images was harmful in and of itself, and you have every right to feel disturbed, angry, or worried about this.

As children, we don't know how to process something so confusing, which is why you might have refused to talk about it back then. That makes perfect sense. Your mind was trying to protect you in the only way it could at that time. It also makes sense to feel stuck now that you're an adult with more perspective on what occurred. Holding on to upsetting details doesn't mean your healing has stalled. Many survivors revisit childhood experiences and make new sense of them when they have the emotional tools to do so. Replaying everything now, as an adult, is a natural response to realizing how serious those actions were.

The fact that your sibling later acted like a normal sibling again does not change that the behavior you described crossed serious boundaries. You have every right to experience those emotions, and it's not your fault if you still think about them, even if your sibling seems to have moved on. Please remember you aren't burdening anyone by asking questions or expressing your anger. It's okay to need time and possibly supportive conversations, whether with loved ones, a counselor, or other survivors, to make sense of it all. If you find it helpful, a counselor specialized in trauma could provide a space to talk openly without judgment and help you sort through these painful memories. You deserve to voice your truth, be believed, and feel supported. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone, and what happened to you was not your fault.

Question 16

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 17

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 18

A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully.

Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped when the other child expressed his boundary, there seemed to be no force or manipulation involved, and you never repeated the behavior.

Childhood sexual curiosity is developmentally normal, even when there are age differences involved. Children often explore through touch and observation as they try to understand bodies and differences. The key distinguishing factors that separate normal exploration from concerning behavior include the presence of coercion, repeated boundary violations after being told to stop, or behaviors that cause distress or harm.

Your immediate response to his boundary-setting shows that your childhood curiosity was not driven by harmful intent. You respected his "no" instantly and completely. This is actually a positive indicator that you were engaging in typical childhood exploration rather than problematic behavior.

The exposure to pornography at a young age likely did increase your sexual curiosity, as it does for many children. However, this doesn't mean your actions were predatory or criminal. You were still a child processing confusing information you weren't developmentally ready for.

Many adults carry shame about childhood moments that seem inappropriate through an adult lens, even when those moments were within the range of normal childhood development. The fact that this memory troubles you demonstrates your moral awareness and empathy, not evidence that you did something seriously wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us. We hope this helped ease your mind.

Question 19

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 20

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

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Questions & Answers

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Topics

I don't think I was abused as a child, but starting in high school I began having fleeting relationships with lots of sex. It was common in my friend group. I've continued a pattern of being attracted to people who treat me badly. How can I change this pattern?

Why do I feel so disgusted by myself? It's been months since he touched me and days since I was stalked, and I still feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Why can't I move past this?

Why did I become hypersexual around males after being sexually assaulted? Could this be connected to the assaults or to growing up with an abusive father? Or is this just who I am?

How do I know who answered my question? Can I assume the same person answered both the original question and any follow-up questions in the comments?

How can our organization become a part of your directory? Do you offer an HTML that can be embedded on our website?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

I don't think I was abused as a child, but starting in high school I began having fleeting relationships with lots of sex. It was common in my friend group. I've continued a pattern of being attracted to people who treat me badly. How can I change this pattern?

Why do I feel so disgusted by myself? It's been months since he touched me and days since I was stalked, and I still feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Why can't I move past this?

How do I know who answered my question? Can I assume the same person answered both the original question and any follow-up questions in the comments?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Why did I become hypersexual around males after being sexually assaulted? Could this be connected to the assaults or to growing up with an abusive father? Or is this just who I am?

How can our organization become a part of your directory? Do you offer an HTML that can be embedded on our website?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How do I understand why something triggers me?

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