Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Survivor Spaces Community

Question 1

Is it normal to feel so much guilt and shame even years after the rape I experienced at the hands of my then boyfriend? He has lied and deceived me and that has added to my trauma. I also have incomplete memories of the event that I cannot remember clearly.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. It is not uncommon for survivors of sexual violence to experience lingering feelings of guilt and shame even years after abuse, especially when the assault was perpetrated by someone they trusted such as a partner. Particularly if there are complicating factors such as deceit and memory gaps, making sense of and managing this shame can be especially difficult.

Sexual harm violates physical, emotional, and sexual integrity and is thus notorious for perpetuating shame in the aftermath for survivors. In fact, research has shown that sexual trauma whas been associated with higher levels of shame than other traumatic experiences, with some studies finding that up to 75% of survivors experience trauma-related shame after these experiences.

If you are still experiencing feelings of shame, you are not alone. Shame thrives in silence, so thank you for being brave and sharing that shame with us. Remember that abuse is never your fault, no matter what the circumstances.

I encourage you to talk about this shame with someone you trust when you are ready. If there is no one in your life that you trust with those emotions right now, you may want to seek supportive counseling or find a space where you can meet other survivors, as their stories of how they have managed their shame may give you the hope you need to keep going and ideas on how to move forward. You may also consider separating yourself from people who trigger your shame, if they are still active in your life. This can help you forge a path forward.

To learn more about how you can cope with the incomplete memories you have related to this event, read our previous FAQ here.

We hope this helps. Thank you for sharing this experience with us. You are not alone.

Question 2

I have a memory from when I was young where my dad let me rub his chest to help me fall asleep. I'm not sure how to feel about this memory or whether I should try to forget it. How do I deal with this?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this memory and these difficult feelings. It is completely normal to feel unsure about a confusing childhood memory, especially when it revives strong emotions or discomfort.

At four to seven years old, you were still learning about boundaries and appropriate touch, and you depended on the adults around you to guide and protect you. Children naturally seek comfort and closeness in many different ways, and needing soothing touch to fall asleep is completely normal developmental behavior. Many children find comfort in tactile experiences, and parents often allow various forms of physical contact that help children self-soothe and feel secure. Chest contact can be particularly comforting for children due to the warmth, heartbeat, and closeness it provides. Having a memory of this experience and feeling uneasy now does not make you flawed or mistaken; it reflects the natural process of recalling early experiences and questioning what they meant.

It's also completely normal for memories to surface unexpectedly, sometimes years later. Our brains sometimes bring up memories when we're trying to make sense of our past or understand ourselves better. The fact that this memory has come up now doesn't mean something was necessarily wrong...it may simply be a moment your mind is revisiting as you process your childhood.

If you find yourself unable to stop thinking about this, it might help to talk with someone you trust, such as a counselor trained in understanding childhood experiences, or even a close friend or family member who respects your feelings. Sharing the memory in a supportive environment can offer the validation you may need. It can also help you sort out why the memory is resurfacing, how it affects you now, and what steps feel right to manage any lingering distress. You are not obligated to forget or dismiss something that makes you uncomfortable. You deserve the option to explore these feelings in a compassionate way, at a pace that feels safe for you. Sometimes, just acknowledging the memory and allowing yourself time to reflect can bring some relief.

Remember that you were a child at the time, with little understanding or control over the situation, and what happened was not your fault. You deserve care and acceptance as you decide whether, and how, you want to deal with this recollection. You get to decide what this memory means for you, and your feelings, whatever they are, are valid. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 3

I don't want to believe I was assaulted as a young child because I know this person very well and can't see it in them to act this way but I can recall details and have vivid flashbacks. What should I do? How do I seek help for this?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this question.

To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma in adulthood to feel confused, frightened, and frustrated. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below.

It is unfortuntely very common for individuals to know the person who harmed them as children. In fact, around 90% of childhood sexual abuse survivors were harmed by someone they knew, loved, or trusted. Often, these people are people who on the surface might not stand out as an abuser or predator. Many may be well liked or respected in their social circles-- that's often how they gain access to groom or harm young people.

Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust, or emotional connection with a young person or their family so that they can manipulate, exploit, and abuse them. Signs of grooming often include:

1. Targeting the young person

2. Building trust with the young person and their family

3. Isolating the young person

4. Initiating sexual abuse and securing secrecy

If this sounds like what you experienced, then it would make sense why you feel so confused. Remember no matter what happened, it is never your fault. Honor the feelings you are having.

It is also not uncommon for memories of childhood trauma to emerge in adulthood and for you to want to seek help for this experience now. In fact, around 70% of child sexual abuse cases are thought to be disclosed during adulthood. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often have difficulties speaking up about their experience and remembering exact details. Sometimes ‘forgetting’ becomes your brain’s way of surviving and coping.

If you are now remembering details or having vivid memories, it might make sense to try to work through those with a trained mental health professional. You will want to find a therapist who specifically specializes in trauma or posttraumatic stress disorder. You could also reach out to your local rape crisis center. These centers are typically free of charge and can direct you to resources to support you. Once you have some more answers, you can then decide what you would like to do next.

If you have additional questions or want to begin talking through your experience now, you can reach out to the National Sexual Assault Hotline which is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: Terms of Service - Online Hotline (rainn.org) . They will listen to what you have to say and will direct you to resources in your local area.

It can be very disorienting to process a traumatic experience that happened when you were a child. While the feelings that you are having are not uncommon, it does not make them any less painful. Trust your gut and honor all the emotions that come along the way. Recognize you have a community of survivors behind you. You are not alone.

Question 4

A couple years ago, I had an experience at a family gathering where someone entered my room while I was heavily intoxicated. My cousin interrupted what seemed to be a sexual encounter, but didn't fully understand the situation. At the time, I was too impaired to process what was happening. Recently, I've started feeling anxious about this incident and believe I was taken advantage of. My family doesn't seem to understand the impact it's had on me. How can I address these delayed feelings of distress and find support to process this experience?

Accepted Answer

I want to start by acknowledging the courage it takes to reach out and discuss such a difficult experience. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings of distress and anxiety are completely valid, even if they've emerged some time after the incident. It's important to understand that delayed reactions to traumatic events are common and are a normal response to an abnormal situation.

Your experience at the family gathering, where you were in a vulnerable state due to intoxication and someone took advantage of that situation, is a serious matter. The fact that you were too impaired to process what was happening at the time doesn't diminish the impact of the event. It's understandable that you're now grappling with feelings of anxiety and the realization that you were taken advantage of.

It can be particularly challenging when family members don't seem to understand or acknowledge the impact this experience has had on you. This lack of support can feel isolating, but please know that your feelings are valid regardless of others' perceptions.

There are several paths you can consider for addressing these delayed feelings and finding support. Speaking with a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual assault can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to process your emotions and develop coping strategies. They can help you navigate the complex feelings you're experiencing and work towards healing.

Support hotlines and organizations in your local area dedicated to helping survivors of sexual assault can also be valuable resources. They offer confidential support and can connect you with additional services if needed.

Remember to be patient and gentle with yourself as you navigate this process. Healing takes time, and it's okay to take things one day at a time. In the meantime, try to prioritize engaging in activities that promote your mental and physical well-being, and consider practices like journaling to help process your thoughts and feelings.

You are not alone in this. What happened was not your fault, and there are people and resources available to support you through this journey of healing and understanding. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve support and understanding as you work through this experience. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 5

I'm trying to understand consent in the context of child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). I believe I experienced something like this, but my memories are unclear about when exactly it happened or the specific details of the incident. How do we understand agreement or consent when it involves children? I'm struggling with this uncertainty and trying to make sense of my experience.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this. When we think about consent and children, it's important to understand that young children cannot truly consent to sexual activities - they don't have the emotional or developmental capacity to understand and make those decisions. Even if a child appears to "agree" or doesn't actively resist, this isn't true consent. To learn more about COCSA specifically, see our blog here.

Memory haziness around traumatic or confusing childhood experiences is very common. Our brains sometimes protect us by making certain memories less clear, especially from childhood. Not remembering all the details doesn't make your experience any less valid or real.

It's also common to question experiences from childhood when we look back as adults. We might wonder if something really "counts" or if we're remembering it correctly. This questioning often comes from trying to make sense of experiences that happened before we had the framework to understand them.

What matters most isn't whether you can remember every detail or whether you verbally agreed or disagreed - what matters is how the experience has affected you and continues to affect you. If you're feeling confused or troubled by these memories, that's reason enough to take your feelings seriously.

If you're trying to process these experiences, please know that there are trauma-informed therapists who specialize in helping people understand and heal from childhood experiences, even when the memories aren't completely clear. They can help you work through these questions at your own pace, in a way that feels safe for you. Thank you for reaching out to us about this. You are not alone.

Question 6

I have memories from early childhood (around 3-4 years old) of my older sister initiating sexual contact with me. She asked me to perform oral acts on her, would kiss me unexpectedly, showed me explicit movies she found, and I thought this was normal. I had similar experiences with other children at parties where they would kiss me or engage in inappropriate touching. As an adult, I struggle with consenting to sexual acts I don't want to do just to please others. My sister recently apologized for kissing me as a child, but I don't think she remembers the more sexual aspects. How do I process these childhood experiences and their impact on my adult relationships?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. What you're describing sounds extremely confusing to process and we appreciate your trust.

As a young child, you couldn't have fully understood what was happening or the implications of those actions. Children naturally follow the lead of those around them as they learn about the world, particularly from older siblings or peers. They often don't have the context to understand sexual experiences or the ability to meaningfully consent, even with other children. The fact that you "played along" doesn't make it your fault. At that age, it's normal to trust and follow the lead of those close to you, especially family members.

It's also important to acknowledge that your sister may have been influenced by things she was exposed to, such as the illicit movies she found. Children who initiate sexual behavior with other children have often been exposed to sexual content or experiences themselves, though not always. She might not fully remember or understand the extent of what happened between you both. Her recent apology indicates that she's beginning to process these events as well.

The pattern you describe of consenting to unwanted sexual acts as an adult to please others is a common response among people who experienced sexual boundary violations in childhood. These early events can shape how we perceive relationships and boundaries, making it challenging to assert our own needs and desires as adults. This pattern can develop because early experiences taught you that your role was to accommodate others' sexual desires regardless of your own feelings. This is not your fault, but rather an adaptation your mind created to navigate confusing experiences.

Remember that you are not to blame for what happened. The responsibility lies with the adults who should have provided guidance and protection. The feelings of confusion, shame, and the tendency to prioritize others' needs over your own are understandable responses to your experiences.

Healing from these experiences often involves working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual experiences. They can help you process these memories, understand their impact on your current relationships, and develop healthier boundaries around consent. Many people find that with support, they can develop a stronger connection to their own desires and needs, making it easier to engage only in sexual activities they genuinely want.

Please know that your experiences are valid, and the impacts you're feeling are real, regardless of whether everyone involved remembers events the same way. You deserve understanding and compassion, both from others and from yourself. Healing takes time, but you don't have to go through it alone. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 7

I recently remembered my perpetrator, who I had just started dating, sort of apologizing after he raped me. He cursed himself, calling himself a "bastard," but didn't fully admit what he'd done. He then told me I was "amazing and special." Was he feeling shame or manipulating me? Do perpetrators often use manipulation to avoid consequences? Also, when I've tried to speak out about my experience, I've gotten very negative reactions. I thought I was helping other women, but now I feel more guilt and shame for talking about it. Is this normal?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this deeply personal experience. What you've been through is incredibly difficult, and it's understandable that you're grappling with distressing emotions and memories.

Regarding your perpetrator's behavior, the situation you're describing is complex and confusing. His self-deprecation, vague apology, and compliments could be due to a mix of shame and manipulation. Some perpetrators might feel momentary remorse, while also trying to avoid consequences. The "apology" without fully admitting wrongdoing, followed by compliments, could be seen as a manipulation tactic. However, it's important to remember that you're the expert of your own experience. Trust your instincts about what happened and how it made you feel.

Your observation about perpetrators often using manipulation to escape consequences could be accurate in many cases. Remember, if manipulation occurred, it's not your fault. These are choices made by the perpetrator. Perpetrators often use various manipulation tactics to avoid responsibility, maintain control, or prevent the survivor from seeking help. These can include:

Gaslighting: Making you question your own memory or perception of events.
Minimizing: Downplaying the severity of their actions.
Blame-shifting: Trying to place responsibility on you.
Love-bombing: Showering you with affection or compliments after the assault to create confusion.
Playing the victim: Expressing self-loathing to elicit sympathy, as you described.
Threats: These can be direct or indirect.
Isolation: Attempting to distance you from your support network.
False promises: Vowing to change without taking real accountability.

These tactics can be subtle and may occur in combination. They're often designed to create confusion and self-doubt. However, trust your instincts about what happened - you know your experience best.

Regarding speaking out about your experience, it's disheartening that you've faced negative reactions. It takes courage to share your story, and you deserved support and understanding. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for survivors to face such reactions. Society often struggles with the reality of sexual violence, and people may react with disbelief, victim-blaming, or avoidance. These reactions can lead to feelings of guilt and shame in survivors, even though you've done nothing wrong.

Your desire to help other women by sharing your story shows great strength and empathy. However, it's also okay to step back if speaking out is causing you more harm. Your healing and well-being should be a priority. Feeling guilt and shame after disclosing assault is common, but try to remember that these feelings don't reflect reality. You're not responsible for the assault or for others' reactions to your disclosure.

Consider seeking support from a therapist specializing in sexual trauma or a survivor support group if you feel it might be helpful. These can provide safe spaces to process your experiences and feelings without judgment. They can also help you recognize and cope with manipulation tactics you may have encountered.

Remember, healing is a journey, and it's okay to focus on what feels right and safe for you at each step along the way. Trust your instincts and be gentle with yourself as you navigate this healing process. Your feelings and perceptions are valid, regardless of what anyone else says or does. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 8

Why do I feel so disgusted by myself? It's been months since he touched me and days since I was stalked, and I still feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Why can't I move past this?

Accepted Answer

There is nothing wrong with you for still feeling this way. The disgust you're feeling is not about who you are...it's about what was done to you. But trauma has a cruel way of turning that outward violation inward, making you feel like the wrongness lives inside your body rather than in the actions of the person who harmed you.

When someone touches you without your consent, it can fundamentally disrupt your sense of ownership over your own body. Your skin, which is supposed to be yours alone, was treated as though it belonged to someone else. That violation can leave a residue that feels almost physical, like something is on you or in you that you can't wash off. The disgust you're describing is your mind and body's way of saying "this wasn't supposed to happen to me," and that reaction is actually a healthy, protective response, even though it feels unbearable right now.

And here's something important: you're not just healing from one thing. You mentioned being stalked just days ago. Stalking is its own form of violation. It strips away your sense of safety, privacy, and control over your own space and movements. When someone is stalking you, your nervous system doesn't get the chance to come down from high alert. Your body can't begin to fully process the trauma of being touched when it's simultaneously dealing with the ongoing threat of being watched and followed. These experiences are compounding each other, and it makes complete sense that you feel uncomfortable in your own skin right now, because multiple people have treated your body and your presence as something they're entitled to.

The timeline of healing is not measured in months. There is no expiration date on how long you're "allowed" to feel the impact of what happened to you, and the fact that the stalking is still so recent means your system is actively coping with ongoing threat, not just processing something from the past. Please try to be gentle with yourself about where you are right now. You are not behind. You are carrying the weight of someone else's actions in your body, and your body is asking for time, safety, and support to let that weight go. If you're able to access a trauma-informed therapist or advocate, they can help you work through both of these experiences and begin rebuilding that sense of safety and home within yourself. You deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin again, and with the right support, that is absolutely possible.

Question 9

Why did I become hypersexual around males after being sexually assaulted? Could this be connected to the assaults or to growing up with an abusive father? Or is this just who I am?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. I want to start by addressing your last question first...no, this is not "just who you are." The fact that you're asking this question at all tells me that this behavior feels foreign to you, like something that doesn't quite align with who you know yourself to be underneath it all. That instinct is worth trusting.

Hypersexuality is one of the most common and most misunderstood responses to sexual trauma. After being sexually assaulted, your brain and body went through something that fundamentally disrupted your sense of safety, control, and autonomy. Hypersexuality can develop as the mind's attempt to regain some of that control by approaching the thing that was used to harm you on your own terms. This can create an illusion of power over what happened. It can also be a way of seeking validation, connection, or proof of your own worth through sexual attention, particularly if the trauma left you feeling powerless or devalued. Sometimes it's the body replaying a trauma pattern almost compulsively, not because you want it, but because your nervous system got stuck in a loop it doesn't know how to break.

The fact that this pattern specifically involves males adds another important layer, especially given that you also experienced abuse from your father. Growing up with an abusive father can deeply shape how you understand your value in relation to men (e.g. what you believe you're worth to them, what you think they want from you, and what you feel you need to do to earn safety, love, or approval). When sexual assault is layered on top of that foundation, hypersexual behavior around men can become a place where both wounds intersect. It may be difficult to untangle exactly how much comes from the assaults versus your father's abuse, and the truth is, it's likely both working together. These experiences don't exist in isolation. They build on each other and create patterns that can feel impossible to step outside of.

What I want you to hear most clearly is that this response does not define you. It is not a character flaw, and it is not evidence that something is wrong with who you are at your core. It is your mind and body responding to painful experiences in a way that made sense given what you've been through. Many survivors experience this, and many have found their way to a different relationship with their sexuality...one that feels more like their own. A trauma-informed therapist can help you gently explore where these patterns come from and support you in building a sense of sexuality and connection that feels authentic to you, rather than driven by what was done to you. You deserve that.

Question 10

I previously asked about self-touch during a storytelling game with my sister. I've since apologized and she laughed it off, saying she was willing. However, during a severe OCD episode, I had an intrusive thought or possible memory of my sister trying to change the subject while I continued with the story and self-touch. I don't know if this memory is real or a product of my OCD. I'm afraid to bring it up to my sister in case she repressed it, but I'm also too scared to talk to a therapist because I'm worried about what I might have done. What should I do?

Accepted Answer

Thanks for following up about this. First, I want to gently acknowledge that OCD is doing exactly what it does best right now...finding a new angle to pull you back into the cycle of doubt, guilt, and rumination. That's important context for everything you're feeling in this moment.

One of the most well-documented features of OCD is its ability to generate intrusive thoughts that feel like memories, or to distort and rewrite actual memories until you can no longer tell the difference. This is especially true during severe episodes. The uncertainty you're feeling (e.g. "I don't know if this is real or OCD") is itself a hallmark of how OCD operates. It thrives in that gray area and wants you to keep searching for certainty you may never find.

Here's what I want you to hear clearly: talking to a therapist, specifically one experienced in OCD is the single most important step you can take right now. A therapist trained in OCD will not judge you. They hear these kinds of fears regularly, and they understand that the terror you feel about being a bad person is the OCD talking, not evidence of who you are. You do not need to have all the answers about this memory before seeking help. In fact, trying to figure it out on your own is likely feeding the cycle.

Reaching out to your sister for reassurance right now, while in an OCD spiral, would likely function as a compulsion rather than a genuine resolution, and it carries the risks you've already identified. A therapist can help you work through this in a way that protects both you and your sister. You deserve that support, and seeking it is not an admission of guilt...it's an act of courage. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 11

Can it still be considered sexual assault or abuse if the person was the same age as me? They didn't directly pressure me into intimacy in the moment, but they had been manipulating me into doing what they wanted in other ways for three years leading up to it. Does the history of manipulation matter?

Accepted Answer

This is such an important question thank you for asking it. When we talk about consent, it's easy to focus narrowly on what happened in the moment: Was there direct pressure? Did someone say no? But true consent requires so much more than the absence of force or explicit coercion in a single instance. Consent requires the genuine freedom to say yes or no without fear of consequences, and that freedom can be deeply compromised by patterns of manipulation that have been built up over time. Three years of someone conditioning you to comply with what they wanted creates a dynamic where your ability to freely choose is fundamentally affected, even if they didn't overtly pressure you during the intimate encounter itself.

Manipulation works precisely because it's often subtle and cumulative. Over time, it can reshape how you see yourself in relation to another person. For example, what you feel you owe them, what you believe will happen if you don't go along, how much space you feel you have to assert your own needs and boundaries. When someone has spent years training you to prioritize their wants, your "choice" in an intimate moment doesn't exist in a vacuum. It exists within the entire context of that relationship and the power dynamic that was carefully constructed long before that moment arrived.

The fact that this person was the same age as you does not disqualify your experience from being harmful, abusive, or assaultive. Peers can absolutely create power imbalances through manipulation, emotional control, and other coercive behaviors. Age equality does not automatically equal power equality. What matters is the dynamic between you and a dynamic shaped by three years of manipulation is not one built on mutual respect and freely given choice.

You don't need anyone else to label your experience for you. Only you can determine what feels true about what happened. But I want you to know that if what you're describing doesn't sit right with you (if it feels like something was taken from you or like your ability to choose was truly compromised) those feelings make complete sense given what you've shared. You deserved a relationship where your boundaries and autonomy were respected, not one where years of manipulation laid the groundwork for someone to get what they wanted. Whatever you decide to call this experience, your feelings about it are valid, and you deserve support as you process it.

Question 12

When I was younger, I became friends with a new girl at school. Over time, she began crossing my physical boundaries in small ways...touching my waist and putting her legs on mine. She also isolated me from my other friendships, turned people against me, and told me I was selfish if I had friends besides her. She tried to manipulate my parents and took over my hobbies and interests. She made it clear that if I didn't do what she wanted, there would be consequences, and I felt powerless and alone. During this same time, I was also being sexualized and objectified by two other girls at school. Eventually, after years of this dynamic, we were talking about the sexual experiences our friends were having, and I could tell she wanted something to happen between us. I felt like I didn't have a choice, so I suggested it, and we kissed. This happened three times before I told her I didn't want to do it anymore. My mother firmly believes this was sexual abuse. But I'm the one who suggested it, so how could it not be my fault? After years of her manipulation and mind games, was my ability to consent compromised? Am I to blame?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal and painful. I can hear how much weight you've been carrying around this. What you're describing is a pattern of behavior that unfolded over years before anything sexual ever took place. It sounds like this person systematically crossed your physical boundaries, isolated you from your other friendships, manipulated the people around you, took over your interests and identity, and made you believe that failing to comply with her wishes would result in losing even more. By the time the sexual contact occurred, you had already spent years being conditioned to believe that your needs didn't matter and that resisting her would only lead to more loss. That context is essential to understanding what happened.

You mentioned that you were the one who suggested it, and I understand why that feels so significant to you. But I want to gently reframe what you described. You said yourself that she made it clear there would be repercussions if you didn't do what she wanted. You said you could tell she wanted something sexual to happen. You said you felt like you didn't have a choice. And your reasoning in the moment (that if you did this, maybe she would leave the boy you loved alone) reveals that this wasn't a free, enthusiastic choice. It was a survival strategy. You were trying to protect something that mattered to you from someone who had already taken so much.

True consent requires the freedom to say no without fear of consequences. When someone has spent years manipulating you, isolating you, and punishing you for not complying, that freedom doesn't exist. The fact that the words came from your mouth doesn't mean the choice was truly yours. Coercion doesn't always look like someone physically forcing you...it can look exactly like what you described: years of control, manipulation, and fear that slowly erode your sense of agency until you feel like going along with what someone wants is the only option you have. Your ability to freely consent was absolutely compromised by the dynamic she created.

It may also help to understand that young people who are navigating their own identity, including their sexual orientation, sometimes act out in ways that are confusing or harmful to others, particularly when they don't have the language, support, or safe spaces to explore those feelings openly. It's possible that this girl was struggling with her own feelings and identity in ways she didn't know how to express or process, and that some of her behavior was rooted in that confusion. This doesn't excuse what she did to you...none of that was okay. The harm it caused you is real regardless of what she may have been going through internally, but holding space for that complexity can sometimes help make sense of a situation that otherwise feels impossible to understand. Her struggles don't minimize yours, and your experience deserves to be honored fully on its own terms.

It's also important to acknowledge that all of this was happening while you were simultaneously being sexualized and objectified by two other girls at school. You were navigating multiple situations where your boundaries and autonomy were not being respected, which would have made you even more vulnerable and exhausted.

I also want to address something about your mother's perspective. It's clear that she loves you and is trying to protect you. Her belief that this was sexual abuse comes from a place of care. However, only you get to decide what language feels right for your experience. Having someone else label what happened to you (even someone who loves you) can sometimes add to the confusion rather than ease it, especially when you're still processing. You may come to agree with your mother, or you may find that different words feel more accurate to you, and either is okay. What matters is that you are the one who gets to define your own experience, in your own time.

If these feelings of shame and self-blame are weighing heavily on you, a trauma-informed therapist who understands the dynamics of coercion and manipulation can be an incredibly valuable support in helping you work through them. You deserve to process this experience with someone who can help you see what so many of us can already see...that this was not your fault. You deserve that compassion, especially from yourself. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 13

I am having memories come up from when I was younger, and I'm beginning to wonder if what happened could be considered COCSA. My cousin and I were playing a game...I think we were playing house. I don't remember what happened before, but I remember him pinning me down on the ground and trying to kiss me. He wouldn't let me get up and kept asking until I did. I can't remember much else as the memory is really fuzzy. I remember feeling trapped and confused and like I couldn't tell anyone. I don't know if this could be considered child-on-child sexual abuse or if I'm overreacting. I don't want to call it something it's not, but it felt that way. It's also confusing because I can't remember all the details. Could this be COCSA?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing something so personal with us. It takes a lot of courage to put these kinds of memories into words, especially when they feel incomplete or uncertain. What you're describing does involve some elements that are commonly associated with COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse). COCSA generally refers to sexual behavior between children that involves force, coercion, a power imbalance, or a lack of mutual consent. The key details you remember (e.g. feeling trapped, being physically held down, and being pressured until you gave in) suggest that this interaction was not mutual or consensual on your part, even within a game. It seems like there were some elements of coercion here.

I also want to gently address your concern about overreacting. It's incredibly common for survivors to question whether their experience "counts" or whether they're making too much of it, especially when the other person involved was also a child. But your feelings about what happened are important and valid. Those emotional responses are telling you something meaningful about how this experience affected you and they deserve to be taken seriously regardless of what label you ultimately choose to use.

The fact that your memories are fuzzy and fragmented is also completely normal. Trauma, especially childhood trauma, can affect the way memories are stored and recalled. When something distressing happens, our brains don't always record events in a neat, linear way. You may remember certain details vividly while other parts remain blurry or missing entirely. This doesn't mean your experience didn't happen or that it wasn't significant. Many survivors describe their memories in exactly this way, and incomplete memories do not make your experience any less real or valid.

You get to decide what language feels right for you when describing this experience. Whether you call it COCSA, whether you use other words, or whether you're still figuring that out...all of that is okay. What matters most is that you honor what you felt then and what you're feeling now. If these memories are causing you distress, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist can be incredibly helpful in processing fragmented memories and the emotions that come with them, at whatever pace feels safe for you. You deserve that support.

Question 14

How do I know who answered my question? Can I assume the same person answered both the original question and any follow-up questions in the comments?

Accepted Answer

Great question! The author of each answered question will always be listed, so you'll always know who provided the original response. However, we cannot guarantee answers to follow-up questions in the comments at this time. Occasionally, our team may try to respond, but the primary purpose of the comments section is for community discussion rather than expert follow-up. We wish we could answer every follow-up, but our current bandwidth doesn't allow for it. We appreciate your understanding, and we're grateful you're here and engaging with the community.

Question 15

How can our organization become a part of your directory?  Do you offer an HTML that can be embedded on our website?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this! We appreciate your organization’s desire to connect with us and become part of our resource directory. We do accept requests from groups that share our commitment to supporting survivors and we have a straightforward process for reviewing and adding new organizations. Please email us at hello@ourwave.org to get started. Once you reach out and provide the relevant information about your mission, location, and services, a member of our team will meet with you to guide you through any additional steps. Regarding the HTML you mentioned, we offer options to embed our platform on external websites. Please reach out to hello@ourwave.org about that request as well, but we are always happy for your to list us as a resource to your audience. Our main goal is to maintain clear and reliable listings that serve people seeking help, and we appreciate the chance to explore ways to extend our collective reach even further!

Question 16

When I was a child (8), an older sibling (12) showed me child pornography over the course of a few weeks. Eventually, when no adults were home, they told me to take photos of myself imitating the pornography they had shown me. They also showed me their genitals, let me touch them, and then performed a sexual act on me. Adults came home in the middle of it, but I can't clearly remember what happened next...I just know I refused to talk to anyone about it. I didn't fight or say no, and I think part of me felt curiosity and even wanted to seem mature. Does this count as COCSA or sibling abuse, or was it just normal children stuff? It also bothers me that I don't know what happened to those photos. Is it reasonable to be upset about that even though I don't know what they were used for? I'm also confused because after that period, my sibling went back to acting completely normal, and it feels like I'm the only one still affected.

Accepted Answer

I'm so sorry you've been wrestling with these questions. Thank you for trusting us with this. Nothing about what you described sounds like "normal children stuff." What you are describing seems to go far behind normal childhood curiosity and I would love to share more about my thoughts around it.

Children naturally have some level of curiosity, but it sounds like this reached a level that went well past simple interest or games. It involved explicit sexual content, a difference in ages and understanding, and behaviors that you weren't old enough to consent to. A four-year age difference between siblings does create a power imbalance, and when an older child repeatedly introduces sexual content or requests, it typically goes beyond normal childhood exploration. These behaviors reflect planning and escalation, which are hallmarks of child-on-child sexual abuse, or COCSA. Normal childhood sexual curiosity tends to be mutual, spontaneous, and between children of similar ages and developmental stages. What your sibling did sounds like it involved deliberate grooming...slowly desensitizing you with pornography over a period of weeks before escalating to direct contact. That pattern of behavior is concerning.

Having been only eight years old when this occurred, it was never your job to recognize or resist a situation that felt confusing or unsafe. The fact that you didn't fight, didn't say no, or even felt some curiosity does not change what this was. You were a child who had been gradually exposed to sexual content you had no framework to understand. Children naturally try to make sense of confusing situations. They often seek attention and affection any way they can. Feeling like you were being "mature" is a completely understandable response from a child in that position. Many survivors describe similar feelings, and it does not mean you were a willing participant or that this was somehow your fault. The responsibility always lies with the older child who crossed those boundaries. Your sibling was older, had more knowledge and power in that dynamic, and made choices that you (as a younger child) were not equipped to consent to or fully understand.

Your discomfort and anger about the photos make perfect sense, even if you don't know exactly whether they were kept or used. You do not need to know what happened to those photos in order to feel upset about their existence. It is reasonable to have lingering distress about images that were taken without your true, informed consent. The act of directing a child to create those images was harmful in and of itself, and you have every right to feel disturbed, angry, or worried about this.

As children, we don't know how to process something so confusing, which is why you might have refused to talk about it back then. That makes perfect sense. Your mind was trying to protect you in the only way it could at that time. It also makes sense to feel stuck now that you're an adult with more perspective on what occurred. Holding on to upsetting details doesn't mean your healing has stalled. Many survivors revisit childhood experiences and make new sense of them when they have the emotional tools to do so. Replaying everything now, as an adult, is a natural response to realizing how serious those actions were.

The fact that your sibling later acted like a normal sibling again does not change that the behavior you described crossed serious boundaries. You have every right to experience those emotions, and it's not your fault if you still think about them, even if your sibling seems to have moved on. Please remember you aren't burdening anyone by asking questions or expressing your anger. It's okay to need time and possibly supportive conversations, whether with loved ones, a counselor, or other survivors, to make sense of it all. If you find it helpful, a counselor specialized in trauma could provide a space to talk openly without judgment and help you sort through these painful memories. You deserve to voice your truth, be believed, and feel supported. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone, and what happened to you was not your fault.

Question 17

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 18

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 19

A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully.

Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped when the other child expressed his boundary, there seemed to be no force or manipulation involved, and you never repeated the behavior.

Childhood sexual curiosity is developmentally normal, even when there are age differences involved. Children often explore through touch and observation as they try to understand bodies and differences. The key distinguishing factors that separate normal exploration from concerning behavior include the presence of coercion, repeated boundary violations after being told to stop, or behaviors that cause distress or harm.

Your immediate response to his boundary-setting shows that your childhood curiosity was not driven by harmful intent. You respected his "no" instantly and completely. This is actually a positive indicator that you were engaging in typical childhood exploration rather than problematic behavior.

The exposure to pornography at a young age likely did increase your sexual curiosity, as it does for many children. However, this doesn't mean your actions were predatory or criminal. You were still a child processing confusing information you weren't developmentally ready for.

Many adults carry shame about childhood moments that seem inappropriate through an adult lens, even when those moments were within the range of normal childhood development. The fact that this memory troubles you demonstrates your moral awareness and empathy, not evidence that you did something seriously wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us. We hope this helped ease your mind.

Question 20

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

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Topics

Is it normal to feel so much guilt and shame even years after the rape I experienced at the hands of my then boyfriend? He has lied and deceived me and that has added to my trauma. I also have incomplete memories of the event that I cannot remember clearly.

I have a memory from when I was young where my dad let me rub his chest to help me fall asleep. I'm not sure how to feel about this memory or whether I should try to forget it. How do I deal with this?

I don't want to believe I was assaulted as a young child because I know this person very well and can't see it in them to act this way but I can recall details and have vivid flashbacks. What should I do? How do I seek help for this?

Why do I feel so disgusted by myself? It's been months since he touched me and days since I was stalked, and I still feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Why can't I move past this?

Why did I become hypersexual around males after being sexually assaulted? Could this be connected to the assaults or to growing up with an abusive father? Or is this just who I am?

How do I know who answered my question? Can I assume the same person answered both the original question and any follow-up questions in the comments?

How can our organization become a part of your directory? Do you offer an HTML that can be embedded on our website?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Is it normal to feel so much guilt and shame even years after the rape I experienced at the hands of my then boyfriend? He has lied and deceived me and that has added to my trauma. I also have incomplete memories of the event that I cannot remember clearly.

I have a memory from when I was young where my dad let me rub his chest to help me fall asleep. I'm not sure how to feel about this memory or whether I should try to forget it. How do I deal with this?

Why do I feel so disgusted by myself? It's been months since he touched me and days since I was stalked, and I still feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Why can't I move past this?

How do I know who answered my question? Can I assume the same person answered both the original question and any follow-up questions in the comments?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

I don't want to believe I was assaulted as a young child because I know this person very well and can't see it in them to act this way but I can recall details and have vivid flashbacks. What should I do? How do I seek help for this?

Why did I become hypersexual around males after being sexually assaulted? Could this be connected to the assaults or to growing up with an abusive father? Or is this just who I am?

How can our organization become a part of your directory? Do you offer an HTML that can be embedded on our website?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

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