Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Survivor Spaces Community

Question 1

Why is incest so prevalent? It feels like it's everywhere once you start looking.

Accepted Answer

Thanks for asking this. It's a question a lot of people find themselves sitting with and the feeling that it's "everywhere once you start looking" is not in your head.

The honest answer is that intrafamilial sexual abuse is far more common than most people realize or are willing to say out loud. It is also one of the least reported forms of sexual violence, which means the numbers we do have are almost certainly an undercount. Of sexual abuse cases reported to law enforcement, 34% of juvenile victims were abused by a family member, and about 90% of child sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone known and trusted by the child or the child's family. Those figures only capture what gets disclosed and documented. The real prevalence is higher.

The reason it's so common comes down to many unfortunate things. Families provide the exact conditions that sexual abuse requires to take root: close physical access, built-in power imbalances, and a structural expectation of privacy that the outside world tends to respect without question. A child doesn't need to be physically threatened to feel unable to say no or to tell someone. The wish to keep the relationship intact, fear of breaking the family apart, emotional and financial dependence, and the authority of the person causing harm all act as invisible walls. Coercion in families often doesn't look like coercion from the outside, which is part of what makes it so hard to interrupt.

Grooming makes this even more complex. Grooming is the process by which a perpetrator selects a vulnerable person, gains access and isolates them, and then builds trust with the child, their family, and the surrounding community, moving the line so gradually that it becomes nearly impossible to name when the line moved at all. Within families, grooming gets woven into everyday caregiving and affection. The person causing harm is often also the person a child depends on for love, safety, and basic needs. Survivors frequently describe not being able to name what was happening even to themselves, sometimes for years. That confusion is a direct result of how grooming works, not a reflection of anything you missed or failed to do.

There is also a real mechanism behind why these patterns can carry across generations. When children grow up in homes where sexual boundaries are absent or distorted, their nervous systems develop without a clear internal template for what safe intimacy feels like. They may not have a reference point for recognizing harm because nothing in their environment named it as harm. Research consistently shows that children abused within familial contexts delay disclosure significantly longer than victims of strangers or acquaintances. A major reason is that the abuse was so embedded in ordinary family life that it took a long time to develop language for it. When distortion is never addressed and no one intervenes, the conditions for harm can persist into the next generation. This provides some context for understanding how silence compounds over time.

Finally, research shows that nearly three quarters of intrafamilial abuse survivors who did disclose reported receiving a negative reaction, with non-offending family members more likely to respond by not believing the survivor, distracting or distressing them, or retaliating. The family unit gets treated as something to preserve, and that instinct can override protecting the most vulnerable people within it. When abuse isn't reported, it isn't counted and the silence is part of what keeps the true prevalence hidden.

Thank you so much for asking this. You are not alone.

Question 2

I'm feeling really anxious and unsettled after a night of heavy drinking and cannabis use, during which I have memory gaps. I realized I was intimate with someone I don't fully trust. How can I safely process this experience and these feelings?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this and I am so sorry this happened to you. What you're feeling right now makes complete sense, and it's important to honor that your nervous system is responding to something that feels confusing and distressing. Memory gaps are particularly disorienting because they leave you without a full picture of what happened, and that uncertainty on its own can be really difficult to sit with. You don't have to have all the answers about what occurred in order for your feelings to be valid.

When substances are involved and memory is fragmented, it's common to feel a complicated mix of emotions, sometimes all at once...sometimes in waves. It's worth knowing that substances like alcohol and cannabis can significantly impair the ability to make clear decisions and to give or understand consent, which means the context surrounding what happened matters deeply. You don't need to label or define the experience right now if you're not ready to. What you can do is allow yourself the space to feel what you're feeling without pressure to resolve it all immediately. You don't have to solve every question about that night in one moment.

Giving yourself some gentle time and space to process these emotions can be a meaningful first step, even if that just looks like finding a quiet, comfortable place to sit. Grounding yourself in the present can also help when anxiety feels overwhelming. Simple things like focusing on your breath or naming five things you can see or touch can help your nervous system settle enough so that you can process without feeling flooded. Journaling can be another valuable tool...not to analyze or reach conclusions, but simply to get the swirling thoughts and feelings out of your head and onto paper. You might also consider confiding in a trusted friend, letting them know you're experiencing anxiety and memory gaps and that you're worried about the dynamics of what happened. Just naming these concerns out loud often provides relief, because it reminds you that you are worthy of validation and support.

If you continue to feel distressed or suspect you were harmed, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist or advocate can give you a structured, non-judgmental space to untangle what happened at your own pace. It might feel scary to consider, but they understand how confusing these gaps can feel and can help you work through it without any pressure. The National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-4673) is available 24/7 and offers confidential, compassionate guidance. It can be a first step if you're not ready to talk to someone you know.

No matter what, please remember that you were deserving of safety throughout that night, and the way you are feeling now does not mean you did something wrong. Be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a dear friend walking a similar path...you deserve that same compassion. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 3

I have memories from early childhood (around 3-4 years old) of my older sister initiating sexual contact with me. She asked me to perform oral acts on her, would kiss me unexpectedly, showed me explicit movies she found, and I thought this was normal. I had similar experiences with other children at parties where they would kiss me or engage in inappropriate touching. As an adult, I struggle with consenting to sexual acts I don't want to do just to please others. My sister recently apologized for kissing me as a child, but I don't think she remembers the more sexual aspects. How do I process these childhood experiences and their impact on my adult relationships?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. What you're describing sounds extremely confusing to process and we appreciate your trust.

As a young child, you couldn't have fully understood what was happening or the implications of those actions. Children naturally follow the lead of those around them as they learn about the world, particularly from older siblings or peers. They often don't have the context to understand sexual experiences or the ability to meaningfully consent, even with other children. The fact that you "played along" doesn't make it your fault. At that age, it's normal to trust and follow the lead of those close to you, especially family members.

It's also important to acknowledge that your sister may have been influenced by things she was exposed to, such as the illicit movies she found. Children who initiate sexual behavior with other children have often been exposed to sexual content or experiences themselves, though not always. She might not fully remember or understand the extent of what happened between you both. Her recent apology indicates that she's beginning to process these events as well.

The pattern you describe of consenting to unwanted sexual acts as an adult to please others is a common response among people who experienced sexual boundary violations in childhood. These early events can shape how we perceive relationships and boundaries, making it challenging to assert our own needs and desires as adults. This pattern can develop because early experiences taught you that your role was to accommodate others' sexual desires regardless of your own feelings. This is not your fault, but rather an adaptation your mind created to navigate confusing experiences.

Remember that you are not to blame for what happened. The responsibility lies with the adults who should have provided guidance and protection. The feelings of confusion, shame, and the tendency to prioritize others' needs over your own are understandable responses to your experiences.

Healing from these experiences often involves working with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual experiences. They can help you process these memories, understand their impact on your current relationships, and develop healthier boundaries around consent. Many people find that with support, they can develop a stronger connection to their own desires and needs, making it easier to engage only in sexual activities they genuinely want.

Please know that your experiences are valid, and the impacts you're feeling are real, regardless of whether everyone involved remembers events the same way. You deserve understanding and compassion, both from others and from yourself. Healing takes time, but you don't have to go through it alone. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 4

I'm trying to understand consent in the context of child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). I believe I experienced something like this, but my memories are unclear about when exactly it happened or the specific details of the incident. How do we understand agreement or consent when it involves children? I'm struggling with this uncertainty and trying to make sense of my experience.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this. When we think about consent and children, it's important to understand that young children cannot truly consent to sexual activities - they don't have the emotional or developmental capacity to understand and make those decisions. Even if a child appears to "agree" or doesn't actively resist, this isn't true consent. To learn more about COCSA specifically, see our blog here.

Memory haziness around traumatic or confusing childhood experiences is very common. Our brains sometimes protect us by making certain memories less clear, especially from childhood. Not remembering all the details doesn't make your experience any less valid or real.

It's also common to question experiences from childhood when we look back as adults. We might wonder if something really "counts" or if we're remembering it correctly. This questioning often comes from trying to make sense of experiences that happened before we had the framework to understand them.

What matters most isn't whether you can remember every detail or whether you verbally agreed or disagreed - what matters is how the experience has affected you and continues to affect you. If you're feeling confused or troubled by these memories, that's reason enough to take your feelings seriously.

If you're trying to process these experiences, please know that there are trauma-informed therapists who specialize in helping people understand and heal from childhood experiences, even when the memories aren't completely clear. They can help you work through these questions at your own pace, in a way that feels safe for you. Thank you for reaching out to us about this. You are not alone.

Question 5

Is it normal to feel so much guilt and shame even years after the rape I experienced at the hands of my then boyfriend? He has lied and deceived me and that has added to my trauma. I also have incomplete memories of the event that I cannot remember clearly.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. It is not uncommon for survivors of sexual violence to experience lingering feelings of guilt and shame even years after abuse, especially when the assault was perpetrated by someone they trusted such as a partner. Particularly if there are complicating factors such as deceit and memory gaps, making sense of and managing this shame can be especially difficult.

Sexual harm violates physical, emotional, and sexual integrity and is thus notorious for perpetuating shame in the aftermath for survivors. In fact, research has shown that sexual trauma whas been associated with higher levels of shame than other traumatic experiences, with some studies finding that up to 75% of survivors experience trauma-related shame after these experiences.

If you are still experiencing feelings of shame, you are not alone. Shame thrives in silence, so thank you for being brave and sharing that shame with us. Remember that abuse is never your fault, no matter what the circumstances.

I encourage you to talk about this shame with someone you trust when you are ready. If there is no one in your life that you trust with those emotions right now, you may want to seek supportive counseling or find a space where you can meet other survivors, as their stories of how they have managed their shame may give you the hope you need to keep going and ideas on how to move forward. You may also consider separating yourself from people who trigger your shame, if they are still active in your life. This can help you forge a path forward.

To learn more about how you can cope with the incomplete memories you have related to this event, read our previous FAQ here.

We hope this helps. Thank you for sharing this experience with us. You are not alone.

Question 6

I don't want to believe I was assaulted as a young child because I know this person very well and can't see it in them to act this way but I can recall details and have vivid flashbacks. What should I do? How do I seek help for this?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this question.

To start, you are not alone. It is quite common for individuals who are processing childhood trauma in adulthood to feel confused, frightened, and frustrated. It is also common for survivors to not want to believe what happened to them was real. Only you know what you have experienced, but here are some of our thoughts below.

It is unfortuntely very common for individuals to know the person who harmed them as children. In fact, around 90% of childhood sexual abuse survivors were harmed by someone they knew, loved, or trusted. Often, these people are people who on the surface might not stand out as an abuser or predator. Many may be well liked or respected in their social circles-- that's often how they gain access to groom or harm young people.

Grooming is when someone builds a relationship, trust, or emotional connection with a young person or their family so that they can manipulate, exploit, and abuse them. Signs of grooming often include:

1. Targeting the young person

2. Building trust with the young person and their family

3. Isolating the young person

4. Initiating sexual abuse and securing secrecy

If this sounds like what you experienced, then it would make sense why you feel so confused. Remember no matter what happened, it is never your fault. Honor the feelings you are having.

It is also not uncommon for memories of childhood trauma to emerge in adulthood and for you to want to seek help for this experience now. In fact, around 70% of child sexual abuse cases are thought to be disclosed during adulthood. Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often have difficulties speaking up about their experience and remembering exact details. Sometimes ‘forgetting’ becomes your brain’s way of surviving and coping.

If you are now remembering details or having vivid memories, it might make sense to try to work through those with a trained mental health professional. You will want to find a therapist who specifically specializes in trauma or posttraumatic stress disorder. You could also reach out to your local rape crisis center. These centers are typically free of charge and can direct you to resources to support you. Once you have some more answers, you can then decide what you would like to do next.

If you have additional questions or want to begin talking through your experience now, you can reach out to the National Sexual Assault Hotline which is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: Terms of Service - Online Hotline (rainn.org) . They will listen to what you have to say and will direct you to resources in your local area.

It can be very disorienting to process a traumatic experience that happened when you were a child. While the feelings that you are having are not uncommon, it does not make them any less painful. Trust your gut and honor all the emotions that come along the way. Recognize you have a community of survivors behind you. You are not alone.

Question 7

A boyfriend a long time ago asked me to perform oral sex on him, which I did with hesitation. I very clearly told him not to ejaculate, and he agreed — but then did anyway. It's a moment I have never forgotten, and I feel so confused by it. It has affected my intimacy ever since. Was this assault or abuse? I feel like I need a term to describe what happened to help me move forward.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this question. The confusion you're feeling, the lasting impact on your intimacy, and the need to find language for what happened all make complete sense. The fact that this moment has stayed with you for so long is meaningful, and your instinct to name it sounds like it might be an important part of your healing process.

What you're describing involves something really important: you set a clear, verbal boundary, he agreed to it, and then he violated it. Consent is not just about agreeing to a sexual act...it also includes the specific terms and limits someone communicates within that act. When you said no to ejaculation and he agreed, that was a boundary that deserved to be honored.

It's worth acknowledging that physiologically, ejaculation does have a point of no return and sometimes there is a brief moment where the body takes over and stopping becomes genuinely difficult. In that narrow sense, the final moment itself may not have been fully within his control. However, what matters most is everything that led up to that moment. He knew your boundary and had agreed to it, which meant the responsibility was on him to communicate before reaching that point-- to stop, to check in, to prioritize what you had clearly asked for. The failure to do that, regardless of what happened in the final moment, still reflects a disregard for what you asked for.

In many legal and advocacy contexts, this kind of violation (where the terms of consent are not upheld during a sexual act) is recognized as sexual assault. Some people also describe experiences like this as sexual coercion or intimate partner sexual violence. You are allowed to use any of these terms if they feel true to your experience, and you are equally allowed to call it a violation, a betrayal, or whatever language feels most honest and useful to you. There is no single right word, and you get to decide what fits.

What you're describing about intimacy being affected afterward is a well-documented trauma response. When a boundary is crossed by someone you were intimate with, especially one you stated out loud and had confirmed, it can fundamentally shift how safe your body feels in vulnerable moments. That kind of breach doesn't just affect how you feel in the moment. It can also reshape your sense of safety, your relationship with your own body, and your ability to feel present during intimacy for a long time afterward. This is not an overreaction. It is your nervous system responding to a real violation.

Finding language for what happened can be a meaningful step forward. Words help us organize experiences, communicate them to others, and access the right kinds of support. You deserve support that helps you reclaim a sense of safety and trust in your own body and boundaries. Thank you for trusting us with this. While only you can label your experience, we hope this information was helpful.

Question 8

I recently remembered my perpetrator, who I had just started dating, sort of apologizing after he raped me. He cursed himself, calling himself a "bastard," but didn't fully admit what he'd done. He then told me I was "amazing and special." Was he feeling shame or manipulating me? Do perpetrators often use manipulation to avoid consequences? Also, when I've tried to speak out about my experience, I've gotten very negative reactions. I thought I was helping other women, but now I feel more guilt and shame for talking about it. Is this normal?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this deeply personal experience. What you've been through is incredibly difficult, and it's understandable that you're grappling with distressing emotions and memories.

Regarding your perpetrator's behavior, the situation you're describing is complex and confusing. His self-deprecation, vague apology, and compliments could be due to a mix of shame and manipulation. Some perpetrators might feel momentary remorse, while also trying to avoid consequences. The "apology" without fully admitting wrongdoing, followed by compliments, could be seen as a manipulation tactic. However, it's important to remember that you're the expert of your own experience. Trust your instincts about what happened and how it made you feel.

Your observation about perpetrators often using manipulation to escape consequences could be accurate in many cases. Remember, if manipulation occurred, it's not your fault. These are choices made by the perpetrator. Perpetrators often use various manipulation tactics to avoid responsibility, maintain control, or prevent the survivor from seeking help. These can include:

Gaslighting: Making you question your own memory or perception of events.
Minimizing: Downplaying the severity of their actions.
Blame-shifting: Trying to place responsibility on you.
Love-bombing: Showering you with affection or compliments after the assault to create confusion.
Playing the victim: Expressing self-loathing to elicit sympathy, as you described.
Threats: These can be direct or indirect.
Isolation: Attempting to distance you from your support network.
False promises: Vowing to change without taking real accountability.

These tactics can be subtle and may occur in combination. They're often designed to create confusion and self-doubt. However, trust your instincts about what happened - you know your experience best.

Regarding speaking out about your experience, it's disheartening that you've faced negative reactions. It takes courage to share your story, and you deserved support and understanding. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for survivors to face such reactions. Society often struggles with the reality of sexual violence, and people may react with disbelief, victim-blaming, or avoidance. These reactions can lead to feelings of guilt and shame in survivors, even though you've done nothing wrong.

Your desire to help other women by sharing your story shows great strength and empathy. However, it's also okay to step back if speaking out is causing you more harm. Your healing and well-being should be a priority. Feeling guilt and shame after disclosing assault is common, but try to remember that these feelings don't reflect reality. You're not responsible for the assault or for others' reactions to your disclosure.

Consider seeking support from a therapist specializing in sexual trauma or a survivor support group if you feel it might be helpful. These can provide safe spaces to process your experiences and feelings without judgment. They can also help you recognize and cope with manipulation tactics you may have encountered.

Remember, healing is a journey, and it's okay to focus on what feels right and safe for you at each step along the way. Trust your instincts and be gentle with yourself as you navigate this healing process. Your feelings and perceptions are valid, regardless of what anyone else says or does. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 9

I have a memory from when I was young where my dad let me rub his chest to help me fall asleep. I'm not sure how to feel about this memory or whether I should try to forget it. How do I deal with this?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this memory and these difficult feelings. It is completely normal to feel unsure about a confusing childhood memory, especially when it revives strong emotions or discomfort.

At four to seven years old, you were still learning about boundaries and appropriate touch, and you depended on the adults around you to guide and protect you. Children naturally seek comfort and closeness in many different ways, and needing soothing touch to fall asleep is completely normal developmental behavior. Many children find comfort in tactile experiences, and parents often allow various forms of physical contact that help children self-soothe and feel secure. Chest contact can be particularly comforting for children due to the warmth, heartbeat, and closeness it provides. Having a memory of this experience and feeling uneasy now does not make you flawed or mistaken; it reflects the natural process of recalling early experiences and questioning what they meant.

It's also completely normal for memories to surface unexpectedly, sometimes years later. Our brains sometimes bring up memories when we're trying to make sense of our past or understand ourselves better. The fact that this memory has come up now doesn't mean something was necessarily wrong...it may simply be a moment your mind is revisiting as you process your childhood.

If you find yourself unable to stop thinking about this, it might help to talk with someone you trust, such as a counselor trained in understanding childhood experiences, or even a close friend or family member who respects your feelings. Sharing the memory in a supportive environment can offer the validation you may need. It can also help you sort out why the memory is resurfacing, how it affects you now, and what steps feel right to manage any lingering distress. You are not obligated to forget or dismiss something that makes you uncomfortable. You deserve the option to explore these feelings in a compassionate way, at a pace that feels safe for you. Sometimes, just acknowledging the memory and allowing yourself time to reflect can bring some relief.

Remember that you were a child at the time, with little understanding or control over the situation, and what happened was not your fault. You deserve care and acceptance as you decide whether, and how, you want to deal with this recollection. You get to decide what this memory means for you, and your feelings, whatever they are, are valid. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 10

A couple years ago, I had an experience at a family gathering where someone entered my room while I was heavily intoxicated. My cousin interrupted what seemed to be a sexual encounter, but didn't fully understand the situation. At the time, I was too impaired to process what was happening. Recently, I've started feeling anxious about this incident and believe I was taken advantage of. My family doesn't seem to understand the impact it's had on me. How can I address these delayed feelings of distress and find support to process this experience?

Accepted Answer

I want to start by acknowledging the courage it takes to reach out and discuss such a difficult experience. What happened to you was not your fault, and your feelings of distress and anxiety are completely valid, even if they've emerged some time after the incident. It's important to understand that delayed reactions to traumatic events are common and are a normal response to an abnormal situation.

Your experience at the family gathering, where you were in a vulnerable state due to intoxication and someone took advantage of that situation, is a serious matter. The fact that you were too impaired to process what was happening at the time doesn't diminish the impact of the event. It's understandable that you're now grappling with feelings of anxiety and the realization that you were taken advantage of.

It can be particularly challenging when family members don't seem to understand or acknowledge the impact this experience has had on you. This lack of support can feel isolating, but please know that your feelings are valid regardless of others' perceptions.

There are several paths you can consider for addressing these delayed feelings and finding support. Speaking with a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and sexual assault can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to process your emotions and develop coping strategies. They can help you navigate the complex feelings you're experiencing and work towards healing.

Support hotlines and organizations in your local area dedicated to helping survivors of sexual assault can also be valuable resources. They offer confidential support and can connect you with additional services if needed.

Remember to be patient and gentle with yourself as you navigate this process. Healing takes time, and it's okay to take things one day at a time. In the meantime, try to prioritize engaging in activities that promote your mental and physical well-being, and consider practices like journaling to help process your thoughts and feelings.

You are not alone in this. What happened was not your fault, and there are people and resources available to support you through this journey of healing and understanding. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve support and understanding as you work through this experience. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 11

About a year ago I went on a second date with someone who was in my brother's year at school, so we knew some of the same people. We were sitting in his car in a public area and he kept kissing me. I told him I felt uncomfortable because it was busy, and when he asked if I wanted to go somewhere quieter, I said no. He kissed me again, but this time started touching me sexually. I tried to subtly move his hand away, and when that didn't work, I told him directly to stop and that I wasn't into it, and he did stop. Afterward, he kept saying I was going to accuse him of assault and get him in trouble with people we both know, including my brother. He told me it was my fault he was aroused, made jokes about having to "sort it out himself" because I wouldn't help, brought up people I'd been involved with before and asked if I'd let them touch me, asked if the real problem was that I didn't find him attractive, and then started talking badly about himself until I felt like I had to comfort him. Because he stopped when I asked, I told myself it couldn't have been assault, but it has stayed with me, and lately I keep thinking about it. I don't know if I'm being dramatic.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this. You're not being dramatic. Delayed distress like this is common and it usually surfaces once your nervous system finally has enough safety and space to look back and process what happened.

Let's separate two things, because it sounds like you are carrying multiple things at once. First, the touching itself. You'd already declined to move somewhere more private and shown discomfort through your body before you ever spoke. He touched you sexually anyway. Stopping when you directly told him to matters, but stopping is the floor, not the ceiling. It's the bare minimum, not proof that nothing happened before it. Consent isn't just the absence of a clear no. It requires an ongoing, freely given yes, and that line was crossed before you had to say a word out loud.

Second, what happened after sounds like it could be its own kind of harm. It appears that he blamed you for his arousal, accused you ahead of time of planning to report him, brought up your past to imply your limits with him were unfair, and then acted in such a way that you ended up comforting him instead of the other way around. That last part is a form of emotional labor, meaning you were doing caretaking work for the person who'd just harmed you. Researchers call this whole pattern DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. It sounds like he was shaping the story of what happened before you'd even decided what to call it yourself, which might be why you spent a year unsure whether you were allowed to be upset.

Experiences like this are often harder to sit with than ones with a single clear moment of force, precisely because there isn't one thing to point to. There's a sequence, and part of that sequence was designed to make you doubt your own read of it. That's not a flaw in your memory or your judgment. That's the manipulation working as intended, and it wearing off now, a year later, is a sign you're seeing it more clearly, not that you're overreacting.

Whether you call this assault is yours to decide, in your own time. What happened in that car was real and it was not okay, whatever label you land on.

For a next step, write out the sequence of events like you just did here, then read it back later this week without his voice layered over it. If you want to talk it through with someone trained in exactly this kind of hard-to-name situation, RAINN's hotline (1-800-656-4673) and online chat at rainn.org are free and confidential.

Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 12

When I was 10, a friend who had also physically and emotionally abused me kissed me on the cheek without warning and without my consent. It only happened once and never again. At the time I felt more surprised and numb than upset, but thinking about it now makes me uncomfortable. Does this count as sexual harassment or assault, or am I overthinking things?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for asking this. You are not overthinking this by asking the question. But I also don't want to hand you a label that makes something bigger than it needs to be.

Kids freeze sometimes when something unexpected happens to their body, even something small. That numbness at ten does not mean something terrible happened, and it does not mean nothing happened either. It just means your body did not have a clear reaction ready in the moment, which is common and says nothing about the severity of what occurred.

To be completely honest with you...a single, brief kiss on the cheek at age ten, with no repetition and no escalation, does not automatically meet the bar for sexual harassment or assault. Those terms usually describe a pattern, or a single act, that is more clearly sexual in nature or more clearly coercive than what you're describing. What you experienced sits in a much grayer space, closer to an uninvited and confusing physical moment between two kids who were both still learning what boundaries even were.

That said, your discomfort now is real and does not need a legal label to be worth paying attention to. Part of what may be happening is that this memory is tangled up with the fact that this same person had already hurt you physically and emotionally in other ways. It makes sense that any physical contact from someone who had already broken your trust would feel different in hindsight, even something as small as a kiss on the cheek, because your nervous system had already learned to be on guard around them.

Your friend was also ten. At that age, most kids do not have a working understanding of consent, and this was likely more about impulsivity or confusion than intent to violate you. That doesn't erase the other abuse in that relationship, which is a separate and more serious thing worth paying attention to on its own.

If this memory keeps surfacing, it might be less about the kiss itself and more about everything else that happened with this person. That could be worth exploring, on its own terms. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. The impact on you matters and you should seek help if you need it.

Question 13

I was sexually abused for about four years, from when I was nine until I was fourteen, by more than one person. When I tried to get close to telling my parents at the time, they mostly joked about it or brushed me off, so I didn't actually tell anyone until my senior year of high school. I'm nineteen now, and it hasn't been that long since the abuse ended. I think about it almost constantly, I have dreams and flashbacks that feel connected to it, and I really dislike myself and the way I handled things as a kid. Some parts have gotten easier some of the time, but I hate still feeling this way. Is this something I can actually get better from, or should I resign myself to being like this?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for writing this. Really. What you are carrying is not small. Four years of abuse, multiple people who caused you harm, parents who met your attempts to reach out with jokes and dismissal, and then years of holding most of this alone. You were a child through all of it, and you have been finding your way largely without the support you deserved.

Now to your actual question...yes. People do get better from this. Not in a way that makes the past stop being real, and not in a straight line, but it is possible. What you are describing, the near-constant thoughts, the dreams and flashbacks, the frustration you turn on yourself about how you handled things as a kid, these are not signs that you are broken or that something has gone permanently wrong with you. They are signs that your nervous system, the part of your body that manages stress and threat and safety, absorbed something enormous over a long period of time. This happened during years when your brain was still forming, and it happened without adults who should have been paying attention.

Trauma, especially repeated trauma across a long stretch of childhood, does not get stored the way ordinary memories do. It gets stored in pieces, in the body, in the nervous system, and it tends to stay active because it never got the chance to be fully processed. Think of it like a fire alarm in a house that was genuinely on fire for years. The alarm is not broken. It learned to do its job under extraordinary circumstances. And now that the fire is out, the alarm has not gotten the signal yet. The dreams and flashbacks are not random. They are your mind still trying to finish something it never got to resolve. That is not a permanent state. It is a process that can move forward with the right support.

Your parents' response, the jokes, the dismissals, the way they made it feel impossible to tell them, added its own layer of harm on top of the original harm. Being made to feel ridiculous when you reach toward safety is its own wound. It makes sense that healing takes longer when the people who should have caught you were not there.

The dislike you feel toward yourself about how you handled things as a kid deserves some compassion. You were a child without safe adults, trying to navigate something that adults with full resources and support systems struggle to navigate. Whatever you did or did not do during those years, you did it as a child who was trying to survive without a map. The standard you are holding your younger self to is an adult standard, and it does not fit. That child deserved protection, not the job of figuring out alone how to stop what was happening.

Healing from what you are describing is real, and it happens, and it also takes time and support. The research on trauma treatment is actually quite encouraging. Approaches like EMDR (which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, a method that helps the brain process stuck memories) and Somatic Experiencing (a method that works with how trauma lives in the body) were developed specifically for the kind of layered, repeated childhood trauma you are describing. They do not require you to talk through every detail of what happened. They work with the nervous system directly, helping it complete what it was never allowed to finish. If you have access to a therapist, looking specifically for someone trained in trauma-focused care, rather than general talk therapy, can make a real difference.

If reaching a therapist feels complicated right now, whether because of cost, location, or anything else, RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 offers free, confidential support around the clock and can help connect you with local resources, including low-cost and sliding-scale therapy options. You might also find it helpful to explore Our Wave's community at ourwave.org, where people who have lived through experiences like yours share and witness one another's stories. There is something that individual healing cannot always provide on its own: the felt sense of not being alone in this particular thing.

You said some things have gotten easier, at least some of the time. Hold onto that. Not as proof that everything is fine, and as real evidence that your capacity to heal is already working, even without the full support you deserve. Imagine what becomes possible when you have more of it. You are not resigned to staying where you are. This is where you are right now, not where you are going. We are glad you are here.

Question 14

I was between 2 and 4 years old, and the other child was a year older than me. We were best friends and I loved them so much. I didn't realize what happened until it hit me later in life, and having to relive it now hurts so much. I can't bring myself to place blame on them because what if they were also sexually abused? But I still hold anger toward them. They manipulated and coerced me, and I just let them. I remember feeling unsafe and wanting someone to come stop it, but then it also felt good, and I was so confused. They forced me to do things and I couldn't stop until they said it was okay, though I can't remember all of it clearly. I think it might have actually been my daycare worker who stopped us, because they thought we were playing under the blankets during naptime. Thinking about that part makes it worse.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with something this heavy, this layered, and this painful to carry. What you are describing, the love you had for this person, the anger, the confusion about your body's responses, the grief of not knowing the full picture, is an enormous amount to hold all at once. And the fact that you are sitting with all of it honestly, rather than shutting it down, says something real about who you are.

What happened to you sounds like it was harmful. You were two to four years old. You felt unsafe. You wanted someone to come stop it. You could not stop until you were told it was okay. That is not play. That is not curiosity. That is a boundary being crossed on a child who had no power to end it. None of what happened was your fault, and the idea of "letting it happen" does not apply to a toddler. You did not yet have the ability to agree to something, to say no, or to fully understand what was happening. That responsibility does not belong to you.

To answer your question directly: yes, it is entirely possible, and in many cases likely, that a child who starts sexual contact with another child has themselves been exposed to or experienced sexual abuse. Children do not typically know about sexual acts unless that knowledge came from somewhere. A child who is two to four years old, and a friend who is only a year older, are both at ages where sexual behavior does not typically come from within. It usually comes from outside. That outside source is almost always exposure to sexual content or direct abuse. So your instinct to wonder about your friend's own experience is not naive or misplaced. It is actually one of the most well-supported observations in research on child-on-child sexual abuse, however, we can never be certain of course.

Here is something important to hold at the same time. That context does not erase what happened to you. Both things are true at once. Your friend may have been harmed themselves, and you were also harmed. Those two realities do not cancel each other out. You are allowed to hold compassion for them and anger toward them at the same time.

The anger you feel is not a betrayal of your love for them. It is actually a sign that some part of you has always known that what happened was not okay, even before you had the words for it. Anger is often the first honest emotion that surfaces when we finally let ourselves acknowledge that we deserved better. You are allowed to hold the grief of losing the friendship you had, the love you felt, and the anger about what they did.

The part about the daycare worker is worth sitting with gently. An adult was right there and did not see what was actually happening. You were that small, that alone in it, and the person who should have noticed did not. That grief is real, the weight of a rescue that came so close and still did not come, and it makes complete sense that thinking about it makes things worse. That is not something you need to resolve right now. It is something to bring to a therapist when you are ready.

The way this hit you later in life, the way memory works in fragments, the way your body responded with both discomfort and physical sensation and how confusing that was, these are all consistent with how the mind and body process early trauma. Trauma is a word for what happens inside us when something overwhelming occurs and we have no way to make sense of it. When something like that happens before a child has language or a framework to hold it, the mind often stores it in pieces, in body sensations and emotional imprints rather than clear, story-like memories. It tends to surface when we are older and finally have enough safety and steadiness to begin processing it. .

The confusion about your body responding physically is also worth naming clearly, because so many survivors carry this silently. A physical response to touch is a reflex, meaning it is something the body does automatically, the way your knee moves when a doctor taps it. It does not mean you wanted what was happening, agreed to it, or are in any way responsible for it. Your body doing what bodies do does not mean any part of you wanted what was happening.

If you are not already working with a therapist, you might look specifically for someone trained in trauma-focused work with early childhood experiences. Our Wave is also here, and the community includes many people who have asked questions that live close to yours. Sometimes just knowing you are not alone in the confusion is its own form of relief.

You were a very small child who wanted someone to come stop it. That child deserved protection. You still deserve care, and you do not have to figure out all of this alone.

Question 15

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Accepted Answer

It is not uncommon for survivors to experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, including sexual arousal. This can be especially distressing for individuals who may feel guilty or ashamed for feeling aroused in response to a traumatic event.

Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. It is a physiological response that can be triggered by a wide range of stimuli, including thoughts, memories, and sensations. In the case of sexual assault survivors, it is possible that the body's natural response to physical stimulation may be triggered by memories or thoughts related to the assault, even if these thoughts and memories are not wanted or desired.

It is important to note that experiencing sexual arousal in response to memories of sexual assault is not an indication of consent or enjoyment of the assault. It is simply a physical response that the body may have learned to make in certain situations. If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions.

Thank you for asking this tough question. You are not alone.

Question 16

A few years ago, I had a memory resurface of when I was 11-12 years old. I briefly (for a few seconds) placed the back of my hand on a family friend's (5-year-old male) private area. I remember him saying 'that is my private area' and I immediately removed my hand and never did that again. I'm not sure why I did it. I had a lot of sexual curiosity at that age and exposure to pornography. No other sexual actions occurred between us, and there was no intent to do anything sexual. I think I was just curious. I spoke to a therapist who said this wasn't COCSA or any sexual crime, and that it's not uncommon. She noted that although there was an age difference, there were no sexual actions taken or force/manipulation used. Do you agree with my therapist? I'm not sure if this was a crime or just normal childhood exploration.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing this memory with us and seeking clarity about it. The confusion and concern you are feeling are completely understandable, and it shows your care for others that you're reflecting on this experience thoughtfully.

Your therapist's assessment aligns with what many professionals would consider about this situation. What you're describing appears to be a brief moment of childhood curiosity rather than COCSA or criminal behavior. Several factors support this. For example, the contact was very brief, you immediately stopped when the other child expressed his boundary, there seemed to be no force or manipulation involved, and you never repeated the behavior.

Childhood sexual curiosity is developmentally normal, even when there are age differences involved. Children often explore through touch and observation as they try to understand bodies and differences. The key distinguishing factors that separate normal exploration from concerning behavior include the presence of coercion, repeated boundary violations after being told to stop, or behaviors that cause distress or harm.

Your immediate response to his boundary-setting shows that your childhood curiosity was not driven by harmful intent. You respected his "no" instantly and completely. This is actually a positive indicator that you were engaging in typical childhood exploration rather than problematic behavior.

The exposure to pornography at a young age likely did increase your sexual curiosity, as it does for many children. However, this doesn't mean your actions were predatory or criminal. You were still a child processing confusing information you weren't developmentally ready for.

Many adults carry shame about childhood moments that seem inappropriate through an adult lens, even when those moments were within the range of normal childhood development. The fact that this memory troubles you demonstrates your moral awareness and empathy, not evidence that you did something seriously wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us. We hope this helped ease your mind.

Question 17

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this extremely difficult question. Please know you are not alone and this does not invalidate the trauma you experienced. Arousal during sexual assault is a possible, but involuntary physiological response that does not imply consent or enjoyment. Resist the feelings of shame and self-blame that you are feeling. It is not your fault and your experiences are valid.

Survivors can experience a wide range of confusing and conflicting emotions and sensations after their assault, especially if they believe they experienced sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is a physical response that can occur even in the absence of sexual desire or consent. Arousal can be caused by fear, excitation transfer, nerve stimulation, or other factors. It is possible that your body's natural response to physical stimulation was triggered during your experience, even if those feelings are not wanted or desired.

To bring forward some research, of those who report sexual violence, it is estimated that around 1 in 20 people also describe experiencing orgasm. But the true numbers are likely much higher. For example, in a 2004 review paper, a clinician reports, “I (have) met quite a lot of victims (males) who had the full sexual response during sexual abuse…I (have) met several female victims of incest and rape who had lubrication and orgasm.” This further emphasizes that this is something many people struggle with, and there is nothing to be ashamed of.

If you are struggling with these feelings, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional who specializes in trauma and sexual assault. I know it can feel embarassing to bring this up to your therapist, but if they have a background in sexual trauma, this is probably something they have heard before from other clients. Trained mental health providers can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies to manage these difficult emotions. If you feel your therapist will not understand, perhaps you would benefit from some complementary support from others who are more knowledgable about the diverse ways trauma and violence can manifest. You do not need to go through this alone.

Thank you for asking this tough question. We are here for you if you need us.

Question 18

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for your question. If you have not experienced any form of gender-based harm, it might be hard to imagine why survivors who go through these horrific experiences do not always report them. Unfortunately, due to the characteristics of one's sexual harm experience, the lack of protection for survivors, and historical injustices within the criminal-legal system, gender-based violence is the most underreported crime. For example, it is estimated that 63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police and only 12% of child sexual abuse is reported to the authorities.

There are many reasons why survivors may feel hesitant to report their experience. We will list a few of these reasons below:

It is not safe for them to report the assault at this time or they fear perpetrator or family retaliation.
They want to put the incident behind them or forget it happened.
They aren’t sure that what happened meets the legal definition of sexual assault or rape.
They are in shock.
They feel shame or self-blame.
They fear not being believed or being socially isolated from friends or family
They fear being blamed.
They fear being revictimized by law enforcement or the court.
They fear that they will not receive justice.
They fear that their offender will not be held accountable.

Whatever the reason, and there are many more, remember that ultimately it is the survivor's choice whether or not they want to report their experience. For some, reporting is not necessary for their healing. Others just do not want to go through any additional trauma or heartache. Support and respect the choices the survivors in your life make related to reporting. This will make you a valuable ally as they navigate healing in the aftermath.

References

Rennison, C. A. (2002). Rape and sexual assault: Reporting to police and medical attention, 1992-2000 [NCJ 194530]. Retrieved from the U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/rsarp00.pdf

Hanson, R. F., Resnick, H. S., Saunders, B. E., Kilpatrick, D. G., & Best, C. (1999). Factors related to the reporting of childhood rape. Child Abuse and Neglect, 23,559–569. doi:10.1016/S0145-2134(99)00028-9

Question 19

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

Accepted Answer

The healing process can be an opportunity to regain the control and autonomy that is often taken away during a traumatic experience. You are in the driver seat of your recovery and you decide how you want to navigate your healing and what’s best for you.

Setting goals or benchmarks is one way to measure your growth and celebrate small wins as you recover after trauma. If you choose to set goals, remember that everyone heals in their own way and in their own time.

Be patient with your progress and compassionate toward yourself. Try not to compare your own growth to someone else’s—your path to recovery is yours and only yours.

What do you want to achieve? It can help to think about what’s important to you and what inspires you. You can work on something personal (like thinking more positively) or something more tangible (like making time for friends you’ve lost touch with).

Choosing goals that are specific and measurable makes them easier to achieve. Saying one kind thing to yourself daily for two weeks is a specific and measurable goal to think more positively. You can easily track it and tell if you’ve successfully accomplished it or not.

Once you choose a goal, think about whether it’s realistic for where you are right now in your healing process. Be gentle with yourself and the benchmarks you select. It’s okay if you don’t achieve a goal you set the first time. Large goals can be broken into smaller, more easily attainable goals. No goal is too small. Keep things simple. You will get there.

It’s helpful to have a mix of both short and long-term goals. How many goals are you focusing on at the same time? Focusing your attention on 2-3 goals at a time can make it easier to keep track of them.

You don’t have to recover or set goals alone. It’s okay to reach out to people you trust. Extra support and motivation can help you achieve your goals. It’s up to you to decide who you want to involve in your recovery process, even if it’s just having someone to celebrate with.

When you accomplish a goal, take a moment to take in your achievement. Acknowledge and celebrate growth, even if it’s small. It’s proof that you are still moving forward. Healing from trauma is hard work. It is not a straight-forward or easy process. It takes time, and you may experience setbacks along the way, but you can do it.

Question 20

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Accepted Answer

Highly emotional & stressful experiences “trigger” a part of the brain called the amygdala. Usually, the amygdala is helpful and works to keep us safe from dangerous situations by activating a fear response.

After a traumatic experience, the amygdala can become overactive, causing fear responses even if you are not in any danger. Your reaction may be to fight, flee, or freeze, interfering with daily tasks and functioning, even if you’re in a completely safe situation.

Sometimes triggers are more obvious—like seeing violence on a tv show or hearing about it on the news. It makes sense why watching or hearing something traumatic would bring up memories or feelings from your own trauma.

Other times, triggers can feel more subtle or hard to anticipate. They can include just about anything--from hearing a song, to hugging someone, to smelling something, to the way a piece of fabric or clothing feels, or even just going to a doctor’s appointment.

While triggers can feel isolating & scary, especially when they happen in public or around other people, know that you are not alone. Over two-thirds of survivors of sexual assault report experiencing triggers.

Over time you can identify the situations that might trigger you. Anticipating these situations and learning relaxation strategies can make it easier to cope with them. While it feels good to avoid triggers in the short-term, it’s not always possible to predict all potential triggers.

Experiencing a trigger in a safe situation that does not pose danger & coping with it, can help your amygdala re-learn that these cues aren’t actually signs of real danger. This process can help decrease the intensity & frequency of triggers over time.

Many survivors of trauma or viσlence will notice an improvement in post-traumatic symptoms naturally over time. For others, these symptoms might not improve on their own & can interfere with their daily lives.

If you notice that your triggers are affecting you & not improving, you might consider reaching out to your social network for support or consider seeking professional help to navigate recovery. You know yourself best & what type of support sounds right to you.

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Questions & Answers

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Topics

Why is incest so prevalent? It feels like it's everywhere once you start looking.

I'm feeling really anxious and unsettled after a night of heavy drinking and cannabis use, during which I have memory gaps. I realized I was intimate with someone I don't fully trust. How can I safely process this experience and these feelings?

Is it normal to feel so much guilt and shame even years after the rape I experienced at the hands of my then boyfriend? He has lied and deceived me and that has added to my trauma. I also have incomplete memories of the event that I cannot remember clearly.

I don't want to believe I was assaulted as a young child because I know this person very well and can't see it in them to act this way but I can recall details and have vivid flashbacks. What should I do? How do I seek help for this?

I have a memory from when I was young where my dad let me rub his chest to help me fall asleep. I'm not sure how to feel about this memory or whether I should try to forget it. How do I deal with this?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

How do I understand why something triggers me?

Why is incest so prevalent? It feels like it's everywhere once you start looking.

How can I celebrate the small ways I am healing from trauma?

I'm feeling really anxious and unsettled after a night of heavy drinking and cannabis use, during which I have memory gaps. I realized I was intimate with someone I don't fully trust. How can I safely process this experience and these feelings?

Is it normal to feel so much guilt and shame even years after the rape I experienced at the hands of my then boyfriend? He has lied and deceived me and that has added to my trauma. I also have incomplete memories of the event that I cannot remember clearly.

Is it normal to have experienced pleasure during an assault? I think I may have had an orgasm, but I’m not sure. I feel so betrayed by my body. I’m just too embarrassed and ashamed to ask my therapist.

How do I understand why something triggers me?

I don't want to believe I was assaulted as a young child because I know this person very well and can't see it in them to act this way but I can recall details and have vivid flashbacks. What should I do? How do I seek help for this?

I have a memory from when I was young where my dad let me rub his chest to help me fall asleep. I'm not sure how to feel about this memory or whether I should try to forget it. How do I deal with this?

Why do I get sexually aroused when thinking about my childhood sexual assault?

Why might survivors of gender-based violence may feel hesitant to report the human rights violation?

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