Find Answers to Your Questions ~ Survivor Spaces Community

Question 1

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this important question. Processing sexual abuse without immediate access to professional help can be challenging, but is often necessary in a world where mental health support can be costly and inaccessible. There are other strategies and resources out there that can support your healing journey. Here are some suggestions on how you might begin to process sexual abuse without a therapist or counselor:

1. Self-help books: There are many books written by experts and survivors that offer guidance and coping strategies.

2. Journaling: Writing about your experiences and feelings can be therapeutic. We have linked an online journaling tool created by me too international that we think can be helpful. If you prefer a physical journal that has self-guided prompts, there are many out there (we also have one for sale in our shop).

3. Online support groups or virtual communities: These can provide a sense of community, support, and shared understanding from others who have experienced similar things as you.

4. Mindfulness and meditation: These practices can help manage anxiety, reduce stress, promote emotion regulation, and decrease intrusive thoughts.

5. Creative expression: Art, music, or other creative outlets can be powerful healing tools.

6. Physical exercise: Regular physical activity can help manage stress and improve mood. This does not need to be formal exercise in a gym (though it can be). It can also include walking in nature, dancing to your favorite music, gentle stretching or yoga at home, gardening, swimming, or any form of movement that feels good to you. The key is to find activities that you enjoy and that make you feel connected to your body in a positive way. Remember, the goal is not to push yourself too hard, but to engage in movement that feels nurturing and empowering.

7. Photography: Use photography to explore and capture moments that feel healing or empowering to you. This can help you focus on positive experiences and track your healing journey visually.

8. Celebrate small victories: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small it might seem. This can boost your motivation and reinforce positive changes.

9. Set and celebrate healing goals: Establish realistic, achievable goals for your healing process and celebrate when you reach them. This can provide a sense of direction and accomplishment.

As a reminder, these methods aren't replacements for professional help, but they can be valuable tools in your healing process. Healing is a personal journey, and what works for one person may not work for another. It's okay to try different approaches and find what feels right for you. If professional help becomes available, consider taking advantage of it. If you feel that you are in crisis or in need of immediate support, access this free online survivior support hotline. Your wellbeing is important, and you deserve support in your healing journey.

Question 2

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. We receive a lot of questions about COCSA and I encourage you to read some of our other answers that relate to this as well as our recent blog post that summarizes what we know about it for more information.

COCSA stands for Child on Child Sexual Abuse. It refers to sexual activity between children that involves coercion, force, or lack of consent. Determining whether sexual behavior between children is abusive depends on factors like whether there is a significant age or developmental difference, use of force, coercion, or manipulation, and how the children feel about what happened.

Some sexual play and exploration between similarly-aged children is normal and healthy. Typical childhood sexual play is spontaneous, voluntary, lighthearted, easily diverted, balanced in power, and occurs between friends. Concerning signs include one child exerting power over the other, secrecy, strong emotions like anger or anxiety, and behaviors that are compulsive or adult-like.

Unfortunately, research on COCSA is still emerging and resources can be limited.

Some key takeaways are:

Sexual abuse between children is more common than many realize. As many as 40% of children who are sexually abused are abused by older, or more "powerful" children.
It can be hard to tell the difference between normal sexual play and abuse. Context, power dynamics, secrecy and consent are important factors to consider.
Effects of COCSA are similar to sexual abuse by adults, including shame, trauma, relationship difficulties and mental health challenges. All children involved need support.
There is still a lot of stigma and lack of understanding around this issue. More research, resources and supports are badly needed.

Thank you for asking a question about this important topic. We appreciate it.

Question 3

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. When discussing sexual behavior among children or adolescents of similar ages, it's important to be sensitive to the developmental nuances surrounding healthy sexual exploration and areas where coercion can occur. Coercion in these contexts can take various forms, but generally involves pressuring or manipulating someone into sexual activity they're not comfortable with or ready for.

Some behaviors that might be considered coercive include: persistent pressure or begging after being told "no"; using guilt or emotional manipulation; making threats; ignoring clearly stated boundaries or requests to stop; taking advantage of someone who is intoxicated or otherwise unable to consent; using physical force or intimidation; and blackmail or threats to reveal private information or images.

It's crucial to teach young people about consent, healthy relationships, and respecting others' boundaries. Any sexual activity should be mutually agreed upon, with both parties feeling comfortable and free to change their minds at any time.

Healthy exploration in childhood typically involves:

Age-appropriate curiosity and activities
Mutual consent and comfort from all involved
Equal power dynamics (similar age, developmental stage, etc.)
Respect for boundaries and privacy
No coercion or pressure
Ability to stop activities without negative consequences

Potentially problematic behaviors experienced in childhood may include:

Large age gaps or significant differences in developmental stages
Lack of mutual consent or enthusiasm
Pressure, coercion, or manipulation
Ignoring expressed discomfort or attempts to stop
Secrecy enforced through threats or shame
Mimicking adult sexual behaviors beyond age-appropriate understanding
Causing physical or emotional distress

If you're concerned about a specific situation involving minors, it's best to consult with a child psychologist, school counselor, or other professional trained in adolescent development and sexuality. They can provide more tailored guidance and support. In addition, ChildHelp has an online chatline which can provide personalized support and resources in this area.

Question 4

Someone rubbed their hand up my inner thigh in a sexual way without my consent. Although it happened 10 years ago it is playing on my mind now. Part of me is telling myself that it isn't a big deal as it was only my inner thighs that were touched and that I am making a mountain out of nothing. I think this thinking is doing more harm than good as I keep going into a thought spiral. How do I stop this kind of thinking and is that form of touching assault?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this and I am sorry you feel like you are spiraling. What you're describing - unwanted sexual touching without consent - could certainly be considered sexual assault, but it's entirely up to you how you want to think about and label your experience. There's no requirement to use any particular term, and only you can decide what words feel right for you in understanding what happened. But I want to be very clear: you are not making a mountain out of nothing.

It's very common for people who've experienced unwanted sexual contact to minimize their experiences, especially when the touching didn't match what society often portrays as "serious enough." This self-doubt and minimization is actually a very normal response, but you're right in recognizing that these thought patterns are causing you additional distress. Your body and mind are telling you this event was significant, and it's important to listen to and honor those feelings rather than trying to dismiss them.

The fact that this is surfacing now, ten years later, is also completely normal. Our minds often process difficult experiences when we feel safe enough to do so, or when something in our current life triggers those memories. There's no timeline for processing these experiences, and you're not "overreacting" by having feelings about it now.

When these thought spirals occur, try to respond to yourself with the same compassion you would show a friend in a similar situation. Would you tell them they were overreacting? Would you measure the impact of unwanted touching by which body part was touched? You deserve that same gentleness and validation.

Consider working with a therapist who specializes in trauma. They can help you develop tools to manage these thought spirals and process your experience in a safe, supported way. However you choose to understand or label what happened, your feelings are valid, your response is normal, and you deserve support in healing from this experience. Thank you so much for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 5

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience. What you shared sounds like unwanted and repeated sexual touching that continued despite your clear physical boundaries. Sexual assault refers to any unwanted sexual contact without consent, regardless of whether clothes were involved or not. The fact that you repeatedly pushed his hand away clearly communicated your lack of consent, yet he persisted and even escalated by moving his hand higher.

Yes, unwanted touching, even over clothing, can be considered a form of sexual assault or sexual harassment. However, it's important to recognize that only you have the right to define and label your own experiences. Some people find that naming what happened helps them process their feelings and seek appropriate support, while others may find labels constraining or not fully reflective of their personal experience. Whatever terminology feels right to you—or choosing not to use specific terms at all—is completely valid.

Consent is essential in any physical interaction, and you have the absolute right to determine who touches you, when, and how - regardless of your relationship with that person, what you're wearing, or whether you're in a social situation like having drinks together.

Many survivors question their experiences, especially when the person who violated their boundaries was someone they knew and trusted. This self-doubt is common and doesn't invalidate what happened. It's completely understandable that you're feeling unsettled by what happened. Trust your instincts and feelings about this situation. Your discomfort was real and valid.

It's important to acknowledge that this behavior is not your fault, and you didn't do anything wrong. The responsibility for respecting boundaries always lies with the person initiating touch. You deserve to feel safe and respected in all situations, including when spending time with friends. Your body autonomy matters in all circumstances.

Healing from boundary violations takes time, and it's okay to seek support. If you're comfortable, consider talking to someone you trust about what happened—whether that's a friend, family member, or a professional who can offer support and guidance. Remember, you're not alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help. Taking care of yourself is the priority, and reaching out is a brave first step. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 6

When I was 16, my 15-year-old boyfriend pressured me into sexual activity at a party. I have autism and struggle with social cues. I didn't want to do it but nodded after he kept begging. I never told him to stop, but afterwards I left and threw up. I felt very uncomfortable afterward but never told him. Was this assault? Is it valid if the other person was younger?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with this deeply personal experience. It sounds like a difficult situation, and your feelings about it are important. While I can provide information and perspective based on what you've shared, only you can decide how to label what happened to you. No one else can tell you how to feel about it or what to call it. Your feelings are valid, whatever they are.

The situation you've described has many elements that imply that it may have been sexually coercive. Let's talk about sexual coercion. This is when someone pressures or tricks another person into sexual activity they don't want. It can include:

Asking over and over until the person gives in
Making the person feel guilty for saying no
Threatening to end the relationship if the person doesn't agree

In your situation, your boyfriend kept asking even though you didn't want to. This is a form of pressure. Even though you nodded, you shared that you did not really want to do it. True consent means both people are happy and excited to participate. Consent should be enthusiastic, freely given, and can be revoked at any time. Pressure or coercion, even from a partner, does not allow for true consent.

It's important to know that:

It doesn't matter that he was younger. Anyone can pressure someone else, regardless of age.
You don't have to say "no" out loud for it to count as not wanting something.
Feeling sick afterwards is a sign that something wasn't right for you.

Your autism might make it harder to understand social situations or express your feelings. This is not your fault. Your boyfriend should have paid attention to your comfort, not just looked for a nod.

It's a common misconception that assault only occurs when someone explicitly says "no." In reality, the absence of an enthusiastic "yes" should be treated as a "no." Your reluctance and the need for repeated convincing should have been respected as a lack of consent.

It's understandable to feel conflicted about this, especially given your relationship with him and your own challenges with social communication. However, it's important to recognize that you're not responsible for his actions. He should have been more attentive to your comfort and willingness.

Moving forward, it might be helpful to speak with a therapist who specializes in autism and trauma. They can help you process this experience and develop strategies for clearer communication in future relationships. Remember, your feelings are valid, and it's okay to set boundaries and expect them to be respected, regardless of your neurodiversity or the age of your partner.

Most importantly, remember that healing is a personal journey. How you choose to label or process this experience may change over time, and that's okay. Your feelings and interpretations are valid at every stage of your healing process. Thank you so much for reaching out to us. You are not alone.

Question 7

When I was younger, I had a couple of experiences with other children that I'm wondering about. In one situation, an older child exposed himself and tried to convince me to do inappropriate things, though I didn't. In another ongoing situation with a child closer to my age, we would find private spots to expose ourselves to each other and there was touching involved. I'm wondering if these experiences might be considered child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA)?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and asking about this. Regarding your first experience, what you described (an older child exposing himself and attempting to coerce you into sexual contact) does align with characteristics of child-on-child sexual abuse. The significant age difference (approximately 6-7 years), the coercive nature of trying to convince you to do something you did not want to do and the inappropriate sexual behavior all suggest this was abusive. The fact that you didn't comply doesn't diminish the inappropriate and harmful nature of what occurred. Your instincts protected you in that moment, and that matters.

The second experience you described is more complex, as many childhood sexual experiences fall into gray areas. When children of similar ages engage in sexual behaviors, it can sometimes be considered normal childhood sexual exploration, particularly when it's mutual, age-appropriate, and not coercive. Your current uncertainty about how you felt and who initiated it, may also indicate this experience was problematic in some ways.

It's important to understand that regardless of the specific labels we might apply to these experiences, your feelings about them are completely valid. Childhood sexual experiences, whether clearly abusive or in gray areas, can impact us in various ways. Some people experience confusion, shame, difficulty with boundaries, or challenges in relationships. Others may have few lasting effects. There's no "right" way to be affected by these experiences.

Your brain was still developing during these experiences, which means your memories may be fragmented or unclear. This is completely normal for childhood trauma. The confusion you feel about these events doesn't reflect any failing on your part--it reflects the complexity of childhood experiences and how our developing minds process them.

If these memories are causing you distress or impacting your life in ways that concern you, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual experiences can be incredibly helpful. They can provide you with personalized support and help you process these experiences in a safe environment. Remember that seeking support isn't about determining whether these experiences "count" as abuse, but about caring for yourself and any impact they may have had on your life.

Your experiences matter, your feelings about them are valid, and you deserve support and healing regardless of how these experiences might be categorized. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 8

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates.  How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

Accepted Answer

Hello! Thank you for asking this question. If you would like to add an update to your story, go to https://community.ourwave.org/find-story and enter your email connected to your story to get a secure update link. Once you have that link, you will be able to update your story. Please reach out to hello@ourwave.org if you have any additional questions related to this!

Question 9

Would touching a sleeping 9-year-old's breast and genitals be considered COCSA or criminal behavior? Does the age of the older child (14-15 versus 11-12) make a difference in how this would be viewed? I saw another post where brief touching out of curiosity by an 11-12 year old wasn't considered COCSA. What makes situations different. Is it the sleeping aspect, the age difference, or a combination of factors?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out with this thoughtful question. The scenario you're describing (where a 14 or 15 year old touched a sleeping 9 year old's breast and genitals) would generally be considered concerning harmful sexual behavior and could fall under the category of child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). There are several factors that make this situation different from the brief curiosity-driven touch you referenced. The combination of the significant age gap (five to six years), the developmental stage of the older child, the intimate nature of the areas touched (both breast and genitals), and critically, the fact that the younger child was asleep creates a very different context.

When a child is asleep, they cannot consent, respond, set boundaries, or indicate discomfort. This removes the younger child's ability to participate in what's happening to their body in any way. The sleeping aspect is significant because it suggests intentionality and awareness on the part of the older child. They knew the younger child was unconscious and unable to respond. At 14 or 15, youth are typically well past the age of normative sexual curiosity exploration and have developed an understanding of privacy, consent, and boundaries. They're also in a very different developmental stage than an 11 or 12 year old.

In contrast, brief touching that immediately stops when a boundary is indicated, especially by a younger child still navigating early puberty, may reflect developmentally normal (though still inappropriate) curiosity rather than abusive behavior. The key differences include the responsiveness to boundaries, the age and developmental gap, whether the touch was sustained or exploratory, and whether the younger child had agency in the moment. Criminal definitions vary significantly by jurisdiction, but many places do have laws addressing sexual contact with minors, even when perpetrated by other minors, particularly when there are substantial age differences and when the behavior involves deliberate touching of intimate areas while the victim is unable to consent.

Question 10

Is it appropriate for a COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) survivor to use the CSA (child sexual abuse) survivor label, or should I specifically use the COCSA label? I often feel guilty using the CSA survivor label because others have told me I shouldn't use it since my experiences "weren't as bad" or are different from adult-perpetrated abuse. While I sometimes dismiss my own experiences, COCSA is a form of CSA that has impacted my life similarly to other survivors. I'm confused about whether using the CSA label would be inappropriate.

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about this with us. Your feelings of confusion about terminology are completely understandable and reflect a common struggle many survivors face when trying to name their experiences. What you experienced as a child was sexual abuse, regardless of the age of the person who harmed you. COCSA (child-on-child sexual abuse) is indeed a recognized form of child sexual abuse, not a separate or lesser category. The "CSA" in COCSA literally stands for child sexual abuse, affirming that your experiences fall under this broader umbrella.

The voices telling you that your experiences "weren't as bad" or that you shouldn't use certain labels are reflecting harmful misconceptions about sexual abuse. There is no hierarchy of trauma that determines whose experiences are "bad enough" to warrant support, healing, or appropriate terminology. Research consistently shows that COCSA can have profound and lasting impacts on survivors, including effects on relationships, self-esteem, sexuality, and mental health that mirror those experienced by survivors of adult-perpetrated abuse.

Labels can be incredibly helpful for some survivors as they provide validation, help connect with others who share similar experiences, and offer a framework for understanding what happened. For others, labels may feel limiting or unnecessary. You are the only person who has the right to decide how to describe your own experiences. Your right to identify with the CSA survivor community is not something that can be taken away by others' opinions about what qualifies as "real" abuse. Many COCSA survivors find connection and healing within broader CSA survivor spaces, while others prefer more specific communities or choose not to use labels at all. All of these choices are valid.

You are not appropriating anything by using the CSA label – you are accurately describing your lived experience. The tendency to minimize your own experiences is a common trauma response, but it doesn't reflect the reality of what you endured or your legitimate place in survivor communities. Trust your own understanding of what happened to you and what language, if any, serves your healing best. Thank you or reaching out to us.

Question 11

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for sharing your feelings about this deeply personal experience. It's understandable that you're grappling with guilt and confusion as you reflect on what happened when you were younger. The guilt and concern you feel shows that you understand boundaries now in ways you didn't as a child, and that recognition is actually a sign of healthy development and empathy.

When you were 11 years old, you were still very much a child, learning about yourself and the world around you. At that age, children often explore and test boundaries as part of their development, sometimes without fully understanding the appropriateness of their actions. Childhood sexual behaviors exist on a wide spectrum, and what you're describing falls into what many experts consider exploratory behavior that can occur during normal childhood development. At age 11, children are naturally curious about bodies and physical sensations, but they lack the cognitive development to fully understand concepts like consent, power dynamics, or the potential impact of their actions.

The age difference you mention does create a power imbalance that makes this behavior concerning, but it's important to understand that as an 11-year-old, you likely didn't have the developmental capacity to fully grasp these dynamics. Children often act on curiosity and physical impulses without the ability to predict or understand consequences the way adults do. Your brain was still developing the capacity for abstract thinking, impulse control, and understanding complex social and emotional consequences. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it provides important context for understanding why it happened.

The fact that you now realize the behavior wasn't appropriate and that you feel remorse shows your growth and awareness. It's a sign of your moral development and empathy. Feeling guilty indicates that you care deeply about others and understand the importance of respecting boundaries. Many adults carry guilt about childhood behaviors that they later recognize as inappropriate or harmful. This guilt, while painful, often reflects growth and the development of a more sophisticated understanding of relationships, boundaries, and consent. The fact that you stopped this behavior and feel remorse suggests that your moral reasoning developed normally as you matured.

It's important to be compassionate with yourself. While you can't change the past, you can acknowledge your feelings and use this awareness to inform how you engage with others now. If these feelings of guilt continue to weigh heavily on you or if this experience continues to cause you distress, speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood sexual behavior can be incredibly helpful. They can provide personalized support to help you process these feelings and develop healthy coping strategies.

Remember, making mistakes is a part of being human, and recognizing them is a crucial step toward personal growth. You deserve compassion and support as you work through these difficult emotions, including compassion for the child you were who was still learning about the world. Be kind to yourself as you navigate these complex feelings.

Question 12

I had an experience when I was young with another boy around my age which involved guilt tripping and other types of emotional manipulation into oral sex. It really impacted me, but I often struggle with feeling like my experience doesn't matter or isn't as serious as other forms of abuse despite all the research I did on the subject indicating it was child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). How can I learn to accept that what happened impacted me and learn not to compare my experiences to others?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for this question. I want to start by affirming that your experience absolutely matters, and the impact it had on you is valid and real. Child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA) is a serious form of sexual violence that can have lasting effects on survivors, regardless of the age of the person who harmed you.

It's common for survivors of COCSA to struggle with minimizing their own experiences or comparing their trauma to others. Society often perpetuates the myth that abuse by another child isn't as harmful as abuse by an adult, or that boys can't be victims of sexual violence. These messages can make it difficult for survivors to acknowledge the weight of their own trauma and seek support.

However, it's crucial to remember everyone's trauma is unique. Trauma is not only determined by the events you have gone through, but also how you experienced those events and the ultimate effect those events have had on you. In this way, the severity of your experience is not measured by the specific acts that occurred, but by the emotional, psychological, and physical impact on you as an individual. Guilt-tripping, emotional manipulation, and coercion are all forms of abuse, even if physical force was not used. You were subjected to a violation of your boundaries, autonomy, and trust, and that is not something to be minimized. Learning to validate your own experiences and emotions is a process, but there are steps you can take to work towards self-acceptance and healing.

To start, remind yourself that your feelings are valid. When you catch yourself minimizing your experience, take a moment to pause and affirm your own emotions. You might say to yourself, "What happened to me was real, and it's okay to feel hurt/angry/scared/etc." You also want to challenge any negative self-talk you notice yourself having. When thoughts like "it wasn't that bad" or "others have it worse" come up, try to reframe them. Remind yourself, "My experience is not less significant because someone else had a different experience. My pain is valid."

It is also important to recognize that you deserve support and community. I would encourage you to seek support from a therapist who specializes in childhood sexual trauma. A professional can help you process your emotions, work through feelings of self-blame or doubt, and develop coping strategies for managing triggers and symptoms. You may also benefit from connecting with other survivors, either through support groups or online communities. Hearing others' stories and sharing your own can help combat feelings of isolation and validate your experiences.

Finally, treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a loved one in your situation. Acknowledge that healing is a process, and be patient with yourself as you navigate complex emotions. Remember, your experience is unique to you, and it's not helpful or necessary to compare it to anyone else's. What you went through was traumatic, and you deserve support, validation, and care as you heal. You are not alone in this journey and you do not need to go through this alone. You have a community of survivors behind you. Do not be afraid to claim that as your own.

Question 13

If I kissed other children without consent when I was a child because I didn't know it was wrong and thought it was normal, did I commit sexual assault? I was exposed to sexual content when young and thought kissing was something people just did. I didn't pressure anyone but didn't ask for consent either. I would just peck other children on the mouth for no reason. I'm unsure if this counts as sexual assault or childhood experimentation. I hate myself for this and feel disgusted by my actions.

Accepted Answer

I can hear how much pain and self-disgust you're carrying about these childhood memories, and I want you to know that your distress is understandable while also being much harsher on yourself than the situation warrants. What you're describing falls clearly within the realm of normal childhood development and experimentation, not sexual assault.

Sexual assault involves intentional harm, power dynamics, coercion, or actions taken with knowledge that they're wrong or harmful. What you're describing is a young child who was exposed to adult content beyond your developmental understanding, trying to make sense of what you saw by mimicking behaviors you thought were normal. This is actually a very common response when children are exposed to sexual content they're not developmentally ready to process. They often try to recreate what they've seen because they don't yet understand the context or boundaries around those behaviors.

The key factors that distinguish your experience from sexual assault include your age and developmental stage, your lack of intent to harm, your genuine belief that this was normal behavior, and the absence of power dynamics or coercion. Young children naturally explore social behaviors through imitation, and when they're exposed to content beyond their understanding, they may incorporate those behaviors into their play or social interactions without any awareness of inappropriate boundaries.

Your early exposure to sexual content was not your fault, and the way you processed and responded to that exposure as a child was a normal developmental response to abnormal circumstances. Children who are exposed to sexual content often exhibit sexualized behaviors because they're trying to understand and integrate what they've witnessed. This doesn't make them perpetrators. It makes them children who needed appropriate guidance and protection that they didn't receive at the time.

The intense shame and self-hatred you're experiencing is actually causing you more harm than the original childhood behaviors ever did. This level of self-condemnation is disproportionate to actions that were developmentally normal responses to inappropriate exposure. Many adults look back on childhood behaviors with some embarrassment or concern, but the extreme distress you're feeling suggests that these intrusive thoughts may have taken on a life of their own.

It's important to understand that sexual assault requires intent, knowledge of wrongdoing, or exploitation of power differences, none of which were present in your childhood situation. You were a child trying to navigate social interactions with incomplete and inappropriate information about what was normal. The fact that you now understand boundaries and consent, and feel genuine concern about these past actions, actually demonstrates your healthy moral development.

Consider speaking with a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in childhood development and can help you process both the original exposure to sexual content and the current shame you're carrying. They can help you understand child development, work through the impacts of early sexual exposure, and develop healthier ways to view your childhood self. You deserve compassion and understanding, especially from yourself, rather than the harsh self-judgment you're currently experiencing. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Question 14

I went to a bar with a friend and we both drank heavily. Towards the end of the night, the sober waiter kissed me without my clear consent, then told me to wait until his shift ended so we could leave together. My friend encouraged the kiss and gave him my number without asking me. I didn't want to kiss him or wait for him. I felt guilty and sick the next day when he called. This happened 9 years ago but still makes me uncomfortable. Was this sexual assault or just inappropriate behavior?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for trusting us with this experience. It sounds like you're still wrestling with complicated feelings about that night, which is completely normal. When alcohol is involved and you feel pressure, whether from a friend or from the person who kissed you, figuring out whether true consent was present can be confusing. Consent should always be mutual, informed, and absent of any pressure or impairment. If you were uncomfortable with him kissing you and didn't clearly want it, that's an important part of your own sense of what happened. Even if your friend encouraged you, you still had the right to decline. No one else can decide for you what you should or shouldn't do with your body.

What you experienced represents a significant boundary violation that involved multiple concerning elements. A sober person in a position of service taking advantage of someone who had been drinking heavily creates a power imbalance that makes true consent nearly impossible. The waiter's behavior showed a troubling disregard for your ability to make informed decisions in your intoxicated state, and the pressure you felt from multiple directions created a situation where your true wishes weren't respected or prioritized.

It's not unusual for unsettling thoughts about a past experience to linger, especially if you felt your boundaries may have been overlooked or if you felt out of control of the situation. Whether you label it as sexual assault or consider it an instance of someone pushing past what you were truly okay with, your discomfort is valid and significant. Your body and mind are giving you important information through these lasting feelings of discomfort nine years later. Trauma responses don't follow neat timelines or definitions. They respond to violations of safety, autonomy, and consent.

After all these years, it's understandable that you still feel uneasy. The feelings of guilt you experienced are unfortunately common but entirely misplaced. You did nothing wrong. The responsibility lies with the person who chose to pursue someone who was clearly intoxicated and unable to give informed consent. You might find it helpful to talk through these feelings with someone you trust, like a counselor or a close confidant, and to remind yourself that it wasn't your fault for wanting to keep your boundaries. Whatever language you choose to describe that night, your discomfort matters and you deserve support as you come to terms with how it affected you. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 15

My ex-boyfriend would pressure me into saying "yes" to sexual acts, even when I was too intoxicated to properly consent, not enthusiastic, or uncomfortable with parts of what he was doing. He's a nice guy who supports victims, so I don't think it was intentional. How do I know if this was sexual assault/abuse or if I was just bad at communicating?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. I can share what I think based on the context you gave, but know that ultimately your interpretation of your experiences is totally up to you.

What you're describing does sound like sexual abuse, even if your ex-boyfriend seemed like a nice person. Pressuring someone into sexual activity, pursuing sex with a person who is too intoxicated to consent, and ignoring a partner's expressed discomfort are all forms of coercion and assault. Consent should be freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic, and specific. It doesn't sound like your "yes" met those criteria.

It's common for people who experience sexual abuse, especially from a partner, to struggle with self-doubt and blame. You may find yourself making excuses for his behavior or wondering if you somehow communicated poorly. But the truth is, the responsibility lies with the person who violated your consent and bodily autonomy. No matter how nice he seemed in other contexts, his actions in those moments were not okay.

Your partner should have prioritized your comfort, checked in with you, and respected any hesitation. Being too intoxicated means you couldn't fully consent. A lack of enthusiasm is not a "yes." Any sign of discomfort should have led him to stop immediately and talk with you. His failure to notice these things suggests he was willfully ignoring the signs that you weren't fully on board.

It's understandable to feel confused and conflicted, especially if parts of the relationship felt good. Abusers aren't always bad in every way. But someone who violates consent and pressures a partner into unwanted sexual acts is being abusive in those moments, whatever their other qualities. You didn't deserve to be treated that way, and it wasn't your fault.

It's also important to recognize that we live in a society where men often aren't properly taught about consent. Many boys and men internalize harmful ideas about being entitled to sex or needing to convince reluctant partners. These toxic norms do not excuse abusive behavior, but they may contribute to why some men fail to recognize or respect the nuances of consent. It's possible your ex-boyfriend had absorbed these unhealthy messages, which then played out in your relationship. Again, this doesn't make his actions okay, but it adds important context.

Ultimately, only you can define your experiences and decide what labels feel true to you. No one else gets to tell you what you've been through or how you should feel about it. If these experiences felt violating and traumatic, then it's valid to name them as abuse or assault. Trust your own emotions and reactions. You're the expert on your story.

Healing from sexual abuse can be a difficult journey, but you don't have to do it alone. I would encourage you to reach out to a counselor or call an abuse hotline to talk through your experiences in more depth. With time and support, it's absolutely possible to process this trauma and come to a place of clarity and peace. You're not alone, and you didn't do anything wrong. Thank you for reaching out to us.

Question 16

I'm struggling with conflicting feelings about a sexual encounter that occurred while intoxicated. My friend and I were both drunk and engaged in sexual activity. While she remembers more details and feels comfortable with what happened, I have partial memory loss from that night and am experiencing intense guilt and shame. She says I initiated the encounter, but I can't clearly remember how things progressed. I'm having difficulty processing these feelings, especially given the role alcohol played in affecting consent and memory. How can I understand and work through these complex emotions?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out about this complex situation. The confusion, guilt, and shame you're experiencing are understandable reactions to an encounter that involved alcohol, memory gaps, and questions about consent. These feelings can become even more complicated when processing same-sex encounters, especially if this was a new experience or if you're still exploring your identity and orientation.

When we experience partial memory loss from alcohol, it can be particularly distressing to learn about our actions during those gaps. Not being able to fully remember what happened or how things progressed can leave us feeling vulnerable and uncertain about our own role in events. This uncertainty can be amplified when the encounter challenges or questions our understanding of our own sexuality or relationships with close friends.

Society often fails to provide clear frameworks for understanding intimate encounters between women, which can add additional layers of confusion and shame. Women's same-sex experiences are frequently either hypersexualized or dismissed entirely, making it harder to process these experiences within broader cultural contexts. This societal ambiguity, combined with the complex dynamics of close female friendships, can make it especially challenging to understand and set boundaries.

Your feelings of guilt and shame, even though your friend feels differently about the encounter, are valid emotional responses. The disconnect between your friend's memory and comfort level with what happened versus your own feelings of distress can create additional confusion and emotional turmoil. This might be further complicated by concerns about how this encounter affects your friendship, your identity, or your understanding of your own sexuality.

It's important to understand that alcohol significantly impacts our ability to make decisions, remember events clearly, and give or recognize meaningful consent. When both people are intoxicated, the lines of consent and responsibility become even more complex. The fact that you're questioning and reflecting on this shows a thoughtful awareness about the importance of clear consent in intimate encounters.

You might consider speaking with a trauma-informed therapist or LGBTQ+-affirming counselor who understands the nuances of same-sex experiences and issues of consent. They can help you process these feelings within the context of your identity and relationships, while working through the complex emotions surrounding consent, alcohol, and intimate encounters. This could help you understand your feelings better and develop healthy ways to move forward.

If you're comfortable, you might also have a sober conversation with your friend about how this has affected you. Sometimes understanding more about what happened, while acknowledging that alcohol affected both your judgment and ability to consent, can help process the experience. However, only do this if you feel it would be helpful for your emotional well-being and the preservation of your friendship.

Remember to be gentle with yourself as you process this experience. Questioning our actions and feeling remorse shows moral awareness, but excessive self-blame isn't helpful for healing and growth. Your feelings about this encounter don't have to define your identity or your relationship with your friend. Thank you for trusting us with this question. You are not alone.

Question 17

I'm struggling with some unclear memories from when I was in primary school and wondering if I may have committed COCSA (Child-on-child sexual assault). I have vague memories of kissing a boy without consent (a teacher supposedly saw and told me to stop) and kissing a distant cousin without asking, but these memories are very blurry unlike my usual detailed recall. I'm not sure if these memories are real or not, and I'm scared and don't know what to do or how to find out if I actually did these things.

Accepted Answer

What you're experiencing sounds incredibly distressing, thank you for trusting us with this. The anxiety and confusion you're feeling about unclear childhood memories is actually quite common. You're not alone in grappling with these difficult questions.

Childhood sexual behaviors exist on a spectrum, and many behaviors that occur between children of similar ages are considered normal developmental exploration rather than sexual assault. Young children are naturally curious about bodies and may engage in behaviors like kissing, touching, or "playing doctor" as part of normal development. These behaviors typically happen between children of similar ages and developmental stages, involve curiosity rather than power or coercion, and stop when adults redirect them.

The memories you're describing sound like they may fall into this category of childhood exploration, especially given that you were in primary school at the time. Children this age are still learning about boundaries, consent, and appropriate behavior. When adults intervene in these situations, it's typically to teach and redirect rather than to punish, which aligns with what you described about the teacher telling you to stop.

Memory is inherently unreliable, particularly for childhood events and especially when we're experiencing anxiety or intrusive thoughts about them. Our minds can construct scenarios based on fears, things we've heard about, or fragments of different experiences. The distress you're feeling about these potential memories can actually make them feel more real and significant than they may actually be.

What's most important right now is addressing the anxiety and distress these thoughts are causing you. This kind of intrusive worry about past actions is something many people experience, and it doesn't reflect who you are as a person today. Consider speaking with a counselor or therapist who can help you work through these concerns in a supportive environment. They can help you understand the difference between childhood developmental behaviors and harmful actions, and provide strategies for managing intrusive thoughts and anxiety.

Remember that your current concern and distress about the possibility of having caused harm actually demonstrates your moral compass and empathy. People who commit intentional sexual violence typically don't experience this kind of genuine worry about their past actions. Your care and concern for others is evident in your question, and that speaks to your character today. Thank you for tarusting us with this. You are not alone.

Question 18

I was making progress recovering from childhood sexual trauma, but recently I've found myself regressing. I'm experiencing intrusive thoughts about the trauma, especially during intimate moments, which forces me to stop. I'm questioning my experiences and their validity, and find myself constantly ruminating. This feels like a major setback, especially since there's no clear trigger. Why might this regression be happening, and how can I maintain motivation for recovery when progress isn't linear?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your feelings. This really resonates with me and I am sure for many others who might be reading this. It's completely understandable to feel discouraged when old emotions resurface, especially after you've been making progress in your healing journey. Recovery from childhood trauma often isn't a straight line, and (while frustrating) it's common to experience ups and downs along the way.

Sometimes, distressing feelings can reemerge without an obvious reason, and that can be confusing. It's important to remember that this doesn't diminish the progress you've already made. What happened to you was traumatic and takes time to overcome. Healing is a process, and just because you are experiencing setbacks, doesn't mean you're back at the beginning.

Intrusive thoughts and ruminations can be particularly challenging, especially when they affect your daily life and relationships. Doubting your experiences and their validity is also a common response to trauma. Try to remind yourself that your feelings are valid, and it's okay to acknowledge them.

Staying motivated during tough times can be difficult, but here are a few practices that might help:

1. Self-Compassion: Be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge that it's okay to have tough days and that healing takes time.

2. Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: Practices like deep breathing, meditation, or focusing on your senses can help bring you back to the present moment when you start to feel overwhelmed.

3. Engage in Activities You Enjoy: Doing things that bring you joy or a sense of accomplishment can help shift your focus and improve your mood.

4. Connect with Supportive People: Reach out to friends, family members, or support groups who understand and can offer encouragement.

5. Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you process them and identify any patterns or triggers.

6. Professional Support: If you haven't already, consider reaching out to a mental health professional who can provide guidance tailored to your situation.

Remember, experiencing a setback doesn't erase the progress you've made. Each step, even the difficult ones, is part of your journey toward healing. You're showing great strength by acknowledging how you feel and seeking ways to move forward. You're not alone. Thank you for trusting us with this

Question 19

When I was seven, a classmate led me to a hidden area of the playground and pressured me to perform oral sex. When I initially refused, he told me 'this is what people who like each other do,' and I gave in because we had just become friends.

Now I experience trauma responses including flashbacks, but I question whether I can call this abuse since he used persuasion rather than force or threats. Even though the impact feels similar to abuse, I'm unsure if I belong in survivor spaces or have the right to claim that label. How can I understand this experience and find appropriate support?

Accepted Answer

Thank you so much for trusting us with the details of this experience. What you described involved several concerning elements: being led to a hidden location, having your initial "no" dismissed, and being manipulated through friendship and false information about what people who "like each other" do. Your age meant you couldn't truly understand or consent to such acts, and the use of manipulation rather than physical force doesn't make the experience any less valid or impactful.

It's important to understand that when young children engage in sexual behaviors that are beyond age-appropriate exploration or curiosity, it often indicates that at least one of the children has been exposed to sexual content or experiences they shouldn't have been. Your classmate, at age seven, was demonstrating knowledge of adult sexual acts that a child typically wouldn't have unless they learned it somewhere. This context helps explain, but doesn't excuse, what happened.

The trauma responses you're experiencing - including flashbacks - are your body and mind's way of processing an encounter that was beyond your emotional and developmental capacity to handle at that age. These responses are valid regardless of how the experience happened.

Many survivor spaces recognize that childhood sexual experiences can be traumatic even when they involve another child and even when force isn't used. The impact on you - how it has affected your life and well-being - is what matters most. You absolutely belong in survivor spaces if you choose to seek support there. There is no hierarchy of trauma - if you're experiencing trauma responses and feeling the impact of what happened, that makes your needs and experiences just as valid as anyone else's. You deserve to be welcomed, heard, and supported in these spaces.

Survivor communities exist precisely because healing happens best when we can connect with others who understand our experiences. Your hesitation about claiming this space is something many survivors share - but please know that you don't need to prove your trauma or justify your presence. If you identify with the term "survivor" and find it helpful in your healing journey, that label is yours to claim.

If you're interested in seeking support, you might consider working with a counselor who specializes in childhood experiences. They can help you process this in whatever way feels right for you, without needing to fit your experience into any particular label. Many survivor support groups also welcome anyone who has experienced unwanted or traumatic sexual experiences, regardless of the specific circumstances.

Remember that your feelings and responses are valid, you deserve support in healing, and you have every right to claim space in survivor communities. Your story matters, and your healing matters. Thank you for reaching out to us. We are happy you are here.

Question 20

I would like to know if someone can develop a fetish or kink around humiliation if the sexual abuse they experienced didn't arouse them sexually when it occurred. Could it be the shame and humiliation themselves that lead to developing this kink rather than any physical sensation experienced at the time? What's the connection between these experiences? For instance, if someone was coerced into a sexual act they didn't want to perform and felt no physical pleasure from it, could that experience be the cause of developing a specific kink related to that trauma when they begin to develop sexually?

Accepted Answer

Thank you for reaching out to us. It's entirely possible for someone to develop sexual arousal patterns connected to experiences that were not sexually arousing when they originally occurred. Our brains and bodies have complex ways of processing trauma, and one mechanism that some people experience is called "trauma reenactment" or "traumatic sexualization." This can involve the mind attempting to gain control over or make meaning from traumatic experiences by recreating aspects of them in contexts where the person has more agency and choice.

The connection between past trauma and later sexual arousal patterns isn't usually about the physical sensations experienced during the traumatic event. Rather, it's more commonly connected to the powerful emotions that accompanied the experience—emotions like shame, powerlessness, fear, or humiliation. When these intense emotions become linked with sexuality during formative experiences, particularly for young people still developing their sexual identity, they can become part of the person's arousal template.

In the example you described, being coerced into an intimate act without wanting to participate, and without experiencing physical pleasure, could potentially influence a person's sexual development. The coerced act, combined with the associated emotions of shame or helplessness, might become incorporated into how they understand and navigate their own sexuality later in life. This process is complex and highly individual.

It's important to understand that this doesn't mean you wanted or enjoyed the traumatic experience. It doesn't diminish the harm that was done to you. Many trauma specialists view these responses as attempts by the mind and body to heal—by transforming experiences where you had no control into contexts where you have choice, consent, and agency.

Many survivors experience conflicted feelings about these connections between past trauma and current sexuality. Some find that working with trauma-informed therapists specialized in sexual issues helps them understand these patterns and develop a healthier relationship with their sexuality. Others find that simply understanding these connections helps reduce shame and confusion.

Whatever your experience, please know that you're not alone in having these questions, and your feelings are valid. These complex responses to trauma are a normal part of how our minds and bodies attempt to process difficult experiences. Thank you for trusting us with this.

Need to take a break?

Questions & Answers

What are you interested in?

Topics

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

What are some ways to process sexual abuse experiences without immediate access to professional therapy or counseling?

What is COCSA? What is considered COCSA between same aged, pre-adolescent children? Are there any resources or research on the subject to help determine what behavior is healthy vs. abusive?

I went out for drinks with a friend and he kept trying to touch me, repeatedly putting his hand on my thigh. Every time I pushed him away, his hand would move higher. Is this still considered sexual assault even though we were both fully clothed?

I see some stories on the Our Wave platform have updates. How do I add an update to my story besides posting in the comments?

When I was around 11, I initiated body rubbing with a younger sibling on about three occasions. As I got older, I realized this wasn't appropriate behavior, and I feel terrible guilt about it. Was there something wrong with me to do this? Is this normal behavior?

In the context sexual behaviour between children of the same or similar ages, what sort of behaviours might be considered coercion?

Need to take a break?

Resources

Post a Message

Ask a Question

How can we help?

Share Feedback

Log in