---
title: Survivor Spaces Community ~ A safe harbor for survivors
description: A safe harbor for survivors of sexual harm, domestic violence, and abuse. Share your story, exchange messages of hope, and find community support.
url: https://stories.itsonus.org/en/index.md
---

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# Community

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### Welcome to Survivor Spaces.

This is a space where survivors of trauma and abuse share their stories alongside supportive allies. These stories remind us that hope exists even in dark times. You are never alone in your experience. Healing is possible for everyone.

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##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[21 should have been funWe sat next to each other in class. We became friends immediately. But that’s typical your Freshman year of college. One day, these speakers came in to talk about sexual assault on campus. You had your headphones in and were watching a movie. I tapped on your arm and said it was important and you should pay attention. You told me you didn’t need to because it would never effect you. Would you still say that now? I hope it was a good movie. I hope it was so good that you couldn’t have possibly taken a second to learn about consent. I sometimes wonder if anything would have been different with your movie off and your attention on the speakers. Would I still have been raped? These are the questions that I desperately try to push out of my brain because the answer truly doesn’t matter. What’s done is done and I pay the consequences of your actions. How was your fucking movie? Is it like the sad movie that replays in my brain every day? That movie that’s in black and white? You know the one where you assault me and it takes me months to really find out what you did to my incapacitated body? And I’ll still never truly know. That’s what you can live with because I don’t think I even want to know how far it went. I already saw the bruises on my inner thighs and arms. Did you know that in the ER they re-enacted how I may have gotten those bruises? That image doesn’t leave my head. I’m not sure where I’m going with this. Is it a poem? A letter? Or just somewhere in my notes to vent? Will anyone hear me? I feel like Hobo Johnson when I sit down and try to write about my pain, hurt, disgust, anger, and regret. Again, will anyone hear me? Regret that I ever became your friend. But how was a Freshman girl from a small town in the middle of nowhere suppose to know how to figure of who stranger danger is versus your friend. Because maybe there were some red flags that I missed, but maybe it’s really because I’m nothing like you. I don’t see people and think about the horrible things I can do to them. How could you hurt me like that when you knew how kind my soul was. I’m sure that just made it easier in your mind. Every part of me… the essence of me… made you do something disgusting to me. That’s still not my fault. It’s not my fault that I lost weight and became “more attractive”. It’s not my fault that I am a proud pansexual woman and that became a sick fantasy for you. It’s not my fault that I let you in and you chose to hurt me. It’s not my fault that you became obsessed and possessive. I just wish I never became your friend. When I said to you, “We can’t be friends anymore, I think you raped me”, did you think I’d get over it? Did you think it would all go away? I wish I could get over it and it could all go away. Every second of every day I wish that. If you haven’t figured it out yet, we will never be friends again. I may see you again one day… in a courtroom, but that is it. I hate you. I don’t hate myself anymore. I am healing. I am learning. I am growing. It’s like I never knew who I was until now. And I love who I am. But boy do I hate you. You took away my schooling during my Senior year. I was too afraid to go to my own damn classes because you needed to get off or something I guess. Those are years of my life that I’ll never get back. I could sit there and tell you my story step by step, but that will all come out in court. I’m also tired of repeating it. It’s written down in a journal already. But that’s THE story, not my story. My story started when I was born, but there was a new chapter that began the day I woke up and started to realize what had happened to me. I stood up and I fought like hell. I still fight like hell. I will have my day in court. I will make sure you need to think about this more. Title 9 wanted to protect the school. Not me or you. But I want to protect myself and every other woman you come or may come into contact with. To do that I need to keep talking and keep sharing my story… and THE story. I was 21. I was allowed to drink at that tailgate. You were not allowed to take advantage of my incapacitated body at your fraternity. Fraternity at University. Shame on you for taking advantage of your “best friend” in such a disgusting way. Shame on you for taking advantage of our friendship. Shame on you. Shame on you. Shame on you.](/en/story/21-should-have-been-fun-331)

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##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #145](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/blackout-145)

[

Dear fellow survivor, You are not alone. What happened to you isn't your fault. What you recall is valid. How you felt about that moment is valid. How you decide to carry forward is valid. It may seem that your journey is one that you have to take alone. Alone, no. Defining what you need for yourself? Yes. There is a community that surrounds you and it is full of love and a shared identity. Lean on the community when you need to. We are here for each other.

](/en/message/dear-fellow-survivor-you-are-not-alone-what-happened-to-you-isnt-your-fault-what-you-recall-is-valid-how-you-felt-about-that-moment-is-valid-how-you-decide-to-carry-forward-is-valid-it-may-seem-that-y-127)

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##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### #155

I was married and attending a wedding with my now ex husband. His friend came up to me shoved his knee between my legs, grinder on me and backed up and said, now who wants to smell my knee. I was humiliated and my ex and his friends dismissed me and said that's just how he is. I pushed thw issue and my ex verbally attacked me for telling a guy friend of mine who was taking up for me. I was beaten down emotionally and my ex pushed me to apologize to his friend. And I did. I have healed now, I am able to talk about what happened without fear of what could happen. And that had made me feel powerful.

](/en/story/f4660c8e-3c7b-497f-b9d7-2ed59f32bfee)

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#### “We believe you. Your stories matter.”

##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #1228](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/e1579fff-0449-47c8-a72e-f136f06dc58e)

[

You are strong, and you will overcome this. This isn’t who you are, it’s part of your story, and someday you will use it for better.

](/en/message/you-are-strong-and-you-will-overcome-this-this-isnt-who-you-are-its-part-of-your-story-and-someday-you-will-use-it-for-better-1126)

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##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### Intake Specialist- Crime Victims Litigation

Sharing my story in writing for the first time in my life- I am 61 years old now. I got pregnant when I was 21 years old. At the time I was in City - College- My boyfriend at the time and me decided to have an abortion. Abortion in City is illegal. But we found a " clinic" that said that they will be able to help me with the abortion. I remember that morning scare and so innocent. I meet the " doctor: who supposed to conduct the abortion. What this " doctor" ending doing was raping me while I was semi unconscious. I remember very clear all the things he did to me. I couldn't move. I remember waking up and telling my boyfriend, my sister but no one believe me and said that no way I could remember because I was under the anesthesia. I couldn't go to the authorities because what I have done was illegal and I thought that no one will be able to help. My sister stated that she believed me and went and tried to talk to the doctor (I do not remember that, but I do believe her). Honestly, this is the first time I am typing my story and no to many people knows about it. I am working now with survivor with DV and SA no because of what happened to me rather because I think is so important the support can provide to someone who has experiencing this horrific act of violence. Thank you for reading my story,

](/en/story/intake-specialist-crime-victims-litigation-535)

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##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #1450](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/surviving-my-father-1450)

[

I promise you aren't alone. It may feel it when you are in the darkest times or carry all the shame and guilt. Just let it go, the stress and physical pain you carry is not worth what hurt you in the first place. When you keep hurting from someone else, you put the power back into their hands. Take control.

](/en/message/i-promise-you-arent-alone-it-may-feel-it-when-you-are-in-the-darkest-times-or-carry-all-the-shame-and-guilt-just-let-it-go-the-stress-and-physical-pain-you-carry-is-not-worth-what-hurt-you-in-the-firs-1275)

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##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### #447

Why did you have to be so good at manipulating me. You flirted with me in class, you complimented my outfits when I thought no one cared. You told me you wanted to treat me right, and I'm the fool for beliving you? You told me we should go to the bar, so we did. I felt alive, I felt happy and you just wanted me to keep drinking so I did. You took me back to your place and honestly I don't even remember anything. I woke up and, I've got to give you credit, you were smart to say we had sex right away. It blindsighted me, I liked you so much I didn't want to assume the worst. But of course my little paradise I had with you fell apart. A month later you ended things, said I wasn't right and you wanted to be alone. I felt so destroyed but that wasn't even the worst of it. The puzzle pieces were starting to come together. I'm not coherent when I'm blacked out, if anything I'm demonic. I scream, I vomit, I sieze, I am in no way able to have sex but that didn't matter to you right? Because I wasn't someone you actaully liked, I was just a trophy. I found out only weeks after you left me that you and your football friends had made a bet, a stupid bet to see if you could sleep with me because honestly you weren't that cute. So I hope you're happy, I hope you're proud of yourself for what you did. I hope you never forgot your conquest because you have cursed me to never forget you. -Name

](/en/story/4b4cfe2f-fdd8-4a9b-81cc-069482dd64b7)

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##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #189](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/someday-survivor-189)

[

healing means wearing shorts again. it means believing that i’m worthy of the love that people give me.

](/en/message/healing-means-wearing-shorts-again-it-means-believing-that-im-worthy-of-the-love-that-people-give-me-176)

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#### “I have learned to abound in the joy of the small things...and God, the kindness of people. Strangers, teachers, friends. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, but there is good in the world, and this gives me hope too.”

##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[BlackoutIt happened during my second year of graduate school. I traveled from Boston to Connecticut to attend a friend's birthday party. I had other friends that I knew who were going to be there, so I decided why not. The party took place in a private room in the back of a lounge/restaurant. Most of the people who attended where either in the same sorority as me, were a friend, fraternity brother, or fellow military officers of the birthday boy. We all were either dancing, drinking, and grooving to the music that was being played by the DJ in his corner. I remember the birthday boy asking me to take a series of drinking shots with him and a few friends---all custom made by the bartender. "Give us your best shot! \[laughter\] Surprise us," is what I remember him stating to the bartender over the loud music. The two shots we took at jägermeister mixed with a few other liqueurs. Black out. I woke up naked in a hotel room laying on top of and kissing another female friend surrounded by at least four other men in the room. They were encouraging us to continue to make out and grind on one another, including the birthday boy. In the moment, it looked and felt like that scene in a movie where a group of drunk college boys are at a party and egging each other on to do something stupid--but in slow motion. The slow motion became faster and reality sank in. I remember becoming fully aware of what was happening and jumping back and off of her. I remember her passing out. Black out. I woke up again. This time on the floor in front of the hotel bed. He was having sex with me as I woke up from my unconsciousness. I remember looking up to his face and looking to the left of his face realizing that the hotel tv was playing in the background. I remember telling him "no" and "stop" and pushing him off of me. I ran to the bathroom. I was still naked. As I entered the bathroom and shut the door, the first thought that came to my head as I looked into the mirror was, "How the hell did you get yourself into this situation? Is this really you? Are you really here right now?" I started to cry and then quickly reminded myself of where I was at. I then said to myself, "Wash your face. Find your clothes. Find your phone. But don't make a scene." So I washed the darkened mascara off myself. Walked out of the bathroom to find my clothes and phone. I realized that everyone except him seemed to be sleeping and there was another person who was sitting on top of the bed watching tv. The same tv that I saw to the left of him. The same bed that I woke up in front of, on the floor. "Was he just watching this entire time and didn't do anything?" That's what I asked myself. I found my clothes and phone. Phone was dead. After some time passed, everyone started to wake up and I just sat in the chair and waited for everyone to get dressed. We left the hotel room and went to a local IHOP for breakfast. I wasn't sure how to process what happened just hours before. I wasn't sure if I felt safe enough to ask them what happened. I felt disgusted with myself. I also wasn't sure if what I experienced was real. I was hungover. They all were in the military, including the female I woke up in my consciousness to the first time. They drove me all the back to Boston and dropped me off at home. There was no mention about what happened. Goodbye. I entered my apartment, went upstairs, got in the shower and cried. After the shower, I crawled in my bed. Black out.](/en/story/blackout-145)

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##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #1450](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/surviving-my-father-1450)

[

Healing means to me, finding myself and learning to be 'selfish'. We are taught young, especially as young women, that our life is meant to give to others, and being selfish, is well, selfish. But there is more to that! If you can't truly love yourself or take care of yourself, how will you take care of others? How do you become a beacon of light to guide others when your own batteries are still dead? Healing is hard, but worth it.

](/en/message/healing-means-to-me-finding-myself-and-learning-to-be-selfish-we-are-taught-young-especially-as-young-women-that-our-life-is-meant-to-give-to-others-and-being-selfish-is-well-selfish-but-there-is-more-1276)

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##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### I am more without you.

My parents had never allowed me to date someone before so when they told me they trusted you I was so excited. You made me believe that love was pure and that you were honest in your intentions. I was so young when you taught me how easy it is to be drowned out by lies and false comfort. You used my friends and family against me until I had only your support to go off of. You never heard my cries or my plead to stop. You always did what you wanted. When you wanted. I will never forget you for teaching me how horrid someone can be. Even so, I will heal and grow without you in my life.

](/en/story/i-am-more-without-you-417)

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##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #162](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/love-isnt-forced-162)

[

I know it’s cliche but it does get better. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, you have to hold on and believe that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought about just ending it. I didn’t see a point in fighting anymore. Then I remembered that I have so much to do in this life still, and I refuse to let some scumbag control me anymore.

](/en/message/i-know-its-cliche-but-it-does-get-better-even-if-it-doesnt-seem-like-it-you-have-to-hold-on-and-believe-that-theres-a-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-i-thought-about-just-ending-it-i-didnt-see-a-point-150)

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##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### #168

I was only 6 years old when I was sexually assaulted. The first time I talked about it with anyone and said it out loud was this year. I'm now 22... that means it's been 16 years later. But I am so thankful to have the support system I do have - the support system who has been strong enough to give me the courage to finally speak up for myself ❤️

](/en/story/40211980-7dee-4b52-b5e6-ab2b5575fa01)

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#### “You are not broken; you are not disgusting or unworthy; you are not unlovable; you are wonderful, strong, and worthy.”

##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #164](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/01c6aca5-af51-4957-96c1-c86c6c603f91)

[

You are not alone. I hope you are growing in love and beauty everyday. I am with you.

](/en/message/you-are-not-alone-i-hope-you-are-growing-in-love-and-beauty-everyday-i-am-with-you-1818)

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##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### You are not alone, you are a survivor

You are not alone; you are a survivor. Hebrew 10:17-18 You are not partially forgiven. You are perfectly forgiven. Revelation 21:4, "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." Joel 2:25, "God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing all you need is faith. I hope this will be my final chapter of letting go of what on my heart regarding being sexually abused. This has been a journey for the past 40 plus years of my life. Been sick in tired hold it in my heart, I had no one to talk to about the abuse. I held it in for years, one day in late April of 2020 I spoke with name from Men Passionate about Christ that was the first step. The guys from MPAC were there to listen and guide me through the different bible verses. This helped me to get over some of my issues. So I want to say please speak with someone about it and do not hold it in for years or months all it going to do make you sick. It also gives you a flashback from someone abusing you. One thing some people will not believe you that you have been sexually abused ignore them. Try to get help by speaking with someone professional or good friend about it. Isaiah 43:2-3a: "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God." There one question I ask myself all the time, Is why my father sexually abused me for years. I cannot get the answer because he has passed away. I have been doing some thinking for the past month. Trying to find the answer through studying and asking questions. The bad part of my life I will never know the why, so this could haunt me for a long time. I was not prepared to cope with repeated pain and fear of sexual abused. I could not understand the sexual activity that was being done to me. I suffered emotionally for years I experienced shame and self-doubt. Not all sexual abused children will be gay. That goes for both males and females. One of the biggest problems was I never disclosed my sexually abused to anyone. I developed low self-esteem, a feeling of worthlessness, and an abnormal or distorted view of sex. I become withdrawn and distrustful of many people in my life. Sexual abuse is no joking matter, It happens every day in someone's life. It could be a family member, a close friend, or even your next-door neighbor that did this to you. Age does make a difference I was in my early teens when was abused, I had all three. I was too young. I lost my childhood. Here are some stats that I found on the internet regarding sexual abuse of young males and females: 1 in 3 girls are sexually abused before the age of 18 1 in 5 boys are sexually abused before the age of 18 1 in 5 children is solicited sexually while on the internet before the age of 18. Some of my hidden problems when I was growing up were, feeling shame, not being believed, lack of vocabulary, and fear of consequences. The list goes on. Here are some of the Immediate and lasting effects that I had growing up and experienced as a child. Low–esteem or self-hatred, depression, Guilt, Shame, and blame. The biggest problem I had was flashbacks of the images of abuse I still experience flashback nightmares. I have forgiven my father for he has down to me. It did hard to do for so many years. Now I understand forgiveness and peace. In the last three months, I have seen a difference in my life. I feel at peace and the pressure has been lifted off my shoulders. I was a prisoner of my memories, I was lying to friends and family members about everything. I have started making peace with my brother and sister-in-law. For the past year. we had been talking on the phone every Sunday. To all that read this article: I do understand we you are coming from. Some people do not believe in you that you have been abused and some do. All my life there people do not have to believe in God is the only one that will protect them and give them strength. Jesus does listen it may take time but, he is for you. (Quote) Be patient with yourself, over time you might notice small pleasures, small moments that make you feel like you are coming back to some parts of yourself that are not lost. Forgive those who have hurt you, trust is a process, yes but forgiveness is an instant choice of your will. You can begin to reclaim the peace and joy in your life when you can move from the pain. God's Promise to you is….STRENGTH The lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Palm 27:1 Isaiah 41:10 Roman 3: God extends grace to us instead of judgment. Some of my references came from rain.org, 1in6.org, the bible, and Michelle Bowdler author and advocate

](/en/story/you-are-not-alone-you-are-a-survivor-374)

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##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #153](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/c-153)

[

I would like to say thank you to all of my supportive friends, my incredibly supportive boyfriend, who has held me through panic attacks even years later, and to my university's sexual assault center, which helped me make it through several tough moments. You are never alone. Please reach out for help if you need it. I know exactly how hard it is, but I also know there is still joy, and it can get better.

](/en/message/i-would-like-to-say-thank-you-to-all-of-my-supportive-friends-my-incredibly-supportive-boyfriend-who-has-held-me-through-panic-attacks-even-years-later-and-to-my-universitys-sexual-assault-center-whic-139)

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##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### Speaking up..

I was just 3 years old when it started, my mom walked in on my older brother telling me to get undressed to play the love doctor game. He is my half brother so we had different moms. My mom told my dad to keep his son away from me. Unfortunately it continued for 11 more years. He would hold me down, cover my mouth and touch me or rub up against me. He would wake me up in the middle of the night by touching me. He would even do it when my dad was in the same room asleep but I couldn’t move, I was frozen. I fought everything at first but he was bigger than me and stronger than me so I soon learned that I was powerless. I would lay there crying and then I eventually went numb and would derealize. One time, I was wearing a bathing suit and my brother proceeded to tell me that I put it on to tease him. After that I hated wearing bathing suits. We went on a family vacation with my whole family, we were in the lake, and he started touching me in the lake, I couldn’t do anything but freeze. Those are just a few times it occurred given it was almost every day. He did it in front of my little cousin who then thought it was okay to grab my butt and try and kiss me. I came out about my abuse my sophomore year of High school, so about 2 years ago. I spiraled very fast starting high school, I began drinking a lot and getting into drugs to cope. One night, I was at a party and I got extremely drunk and high and was passed out, my ex bf dragged me into this supply closet and raped me. Everyone called me a whore for it and blamed me. I then went on a date with a guy later that year, for Valentine’s Day, he asked me to give him oral, I said no, multiple times, then he forced me, I cried the whole time, and still to this day he sees nothing wrong with it. I was told I shouldn’t have put myself in that position. I am still forced to be around all of these people and struggle with my mental health. I have PTSD, Anxiety, and depression, and they have no consequences for their actions only I do.

](/en/story/speaking-up-165)

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##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #185](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/survivor-she-they-185)

[

Healing to me is therapy and sharing my story

](/en/message/healing-to-me-is-therapy-and-sharing-my-story-1815)

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#### If you are reading this, you have survived 100% of your worst days. You’re doing great.

##### Story

From a survivor

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[1 new update](/en/story/b2e50e04-51e2-4fee-9523-321cde7618c8#updates)

[

#### #480

Freshman year started with the It's on Us training, all freshman packed into the basketball arena. Jokes about "drinking tea" started then and continued throughout college. He was there. Listening, making jokes about "tea." At the beginning of second semester it happened. I froze but didn't say no until damage was done, I willed myself to speak, say the 'stop' and 'no' that screamed in my mind, but not until he started to go farther did my stillness break. I said no more and he listened. I hated it and it tore me up inside but I thought I was in the wrong. I didn't realize it was rape until five years later. I said okay the first time he raped me, it quickly became not okay. If someone starts drinking tea, they can change their mind and not finish. I froze. Don't force someone to drink tea. And "tea" jokes are rape jokes. Six years later I am starting to heal, to come to terms with what happened. I have healed so much in the last few months. It is difficult and the days aren't linear, but things are getting easier.

](/en/story/b2e50e04-51e2-4fee-9523-321cde7618c8)

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##### Community Message

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[

I moved to the US from Japan when I was 13. A female teacher offered to give me extra help since I was new to this culture and struggling to keep up with the other students. During study hall and after school I would go to her room where it was just us two. At first things were fine but about a month into her tutoring me things got weird. She started unbuttoning the top 4 buttons on her shirt and leaning down over my desk giving me ample view of her brest. As time went on she would sit beside me

](/en/message/i-moved-to-the-us-from-japan-when-i-was-13-a-female-teacher-offered-to-give-me-extra-help-since-i-was-new-to-this-culture-and-struggling-to-keep-up-with-the-other-students-during-study-hall-and-after-1609)

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##### Story

From a survivor

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[

#### #177

I was a teenager and I invited a boy into my room late at night. He pressured me, for about an hour, to sleep with him. Within a 15 minute period I remember him asking 10 times. I thought he wouldn’t like me if I didn’t. So I stopped telling him no; he took that as a yes. That was my first time. Coercion is rape. Full stop.

](/en/story/76a49055-a91c-4ad5-8980-bcbd2ed915c7)

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##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

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[Story #535](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/intake-specialist-crime-victims-litigation-535)

[

Love you all!!!!!!!!!!!

](/en/message/love-you-all-453)

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##### Story

From a survivor

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[

#### A cold winter night

It was a cold snowy winter night just before the COVID shutdown spread across the country. I was attending the second-year graduate school class reception with a group of friends from the second-year graduate class. My "date" as my invitation to attend that class's event was really someone everyone knew was in a committed long-distance relationship and just using the extra ticket as a fun excuse to invite me as friend. It was a fun time to explore a historic mansion while having food and wine. An hour later, as it was about to conclude, one of the second-year's partners turns to me and tells me she would really like to meet me at a bar, and a group of people from that class are planning to go there. I turn to my "date" and we both agree to go. We drove to the vintage bar, one I never had been to before. I walk in through the snow and ice in my black high heels in a cocktail dress covered by my winter jacket, trying my best not to trip. A cocktail and a few conversations among classmates of my "date" later, I find myself in the corner chatting with the person who invited me to the bar from the reception. Something seemed off from the start of the conversation -- and it only got worse. The 30-something-appearing cis woman was a faculty member, yet seemed to serial date younger, new students at the same professional school -- a fact a classmate mentioned in passing with an eye-roll earlier. The one-to-one conversation with me appeared to go in circles, with her repeating the same stories over and over again without realizing that she was doing so. Awkward conversation, but it would just be a temporarily annoyance, my thought was. Yet it took an even more bizarre turn. She kept getting closer to closer to me as she was talking. At one point, she touched my shoulder, ostensibly to make a comment about how she liked my dress. She was mentioning her professional expertise and connections in the field I was, and still am, most interested in entering. She then started asking me awkward questions about how I was visibly trans, and then mentioned as a complete non-sequitur how she was the dominant "masculine" partner in her relationship. And then, to my horror, I noticed her abruptly lifting the bottom of my dress up and reaching underneath my dress to attempt to grope either my inner thigh...or worse. This wasn't just a slight motion; her hand was fully underneath my dress and moving fast upwards, from what I could clearly see from the brief glimpse I took. I immediately stepped backwards with a wide-eyed look on my face, in total disbelief of what just happened...and what did not happen that was mere seconds away from fully happening. She turned away in a hurry and walked back to her partner at the bar -- who was oblivious to what just happened -- grabbed him by the arm, and made an excuse to request to leave. This was not the first time I had experience attempted or completed sexual assault. Just like when I experienced rape the year of my college graduation, during a different cold winter night years earlier, I remember feeling puzzled, confused, and very much \*not\* wanting to put a label on what just happened to me. The events of each night leading up to the sexual assault always seem so random and not predictable as they are happening, but in retrospect, it is so easy to attempt to scrutinize every detail as a possible warning sign of what was to come. Yet I do not even want to think about the likely reality that the attempted sexual assault I experienced that night seemed to happen due to being visibly trans. When people think of post-traumatic stress disorder from an evolutionary perspective, it is typically thought of as an adaptive way to avoid situations of future danger. But when you're scared of social events and comments about personal identity, just think of how unpredictable the healing journey is.

](/en/story/a-cold-winter-night-238)

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#### You are wonderful, strong, and worthy. From one survivor to another.

##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #535](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/intake-specialist-crime-victims-litigation-535)

[

Healing means everything to me- And honestly you are healing every single day!! every single day!! little by little.

](/en/message/healing-means-everything-to-me-and-honestly-you-are-healing-every-single-day-every-single-day-little-by-little-454)

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##### Story

From a survivor

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[

#### my voice has returned

I was silenced for so long, now my voice rings free. I’m still filled with agony and it’s hard to bear, but there is hope and I know each day I am getting better. I was silenced by so many who wanted to keep me and my story down. I was sexually assaulted by a member of a fraternity and then the whole fraternity has worked endlessly to help cover up my assault. I was too scared to even come forward as they threatened me and started rumors and lies to harass me. I will not be silent anymore. I am standing strong and resilient. They did not break me, I will rise from this terrible event. I am leaving behind the shell of me who never would have spoken up and sat in agony longer everyday for someone who now stands tall and proud. I’ve used my voice and my experiences to advocate for others who have been hurt like me. I am ready to use my voice for good and start a revolution.

](/en/story/my-voice-has-returned-156)

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##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

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[Story #152](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/f85ec6cd-8415-4fb2-a2ae-139c8ab88f58)

[

Healing is ongoing. Healing is a rollercoaster. Healing can feel frustrating and powerful and ugly and beautiful. Healing is surviving another day. Healing is finding strength even when you think you don’t have any (because you always do, it’s already in you).

](/en/message/healing-is-ongoing-healing-is-a-rollercoaster-healing-can-feel-frustrating-and-powerful-and-ugly-and-beautiful-healing-is-surviving-another-day-healing-is-finding-strength-even-when-you-think-you-dont-138)

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##### Story

From a survivor

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[

#### #157

I was a college student working a part-time receptionist job and we went out to happy hour with a group of colleagues. After a few drinks, a smaller group of us went to one colleague's apartment to hang out. You kept mixing drinks and begged me to try them - just a sip, just to taste. I started to feel a little dizzy, and you told me I could crash upstairs for a bit. I woke up in the middle of the night to you removing my clothes and touching me, but I wasn't lucid enough to do anything. I asked you the next day why you did what you did. I was passed out. You told me that it takes two.

](/en/story/23138afd-6482-4937-b3f0-ce1fe46cf40b)

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##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

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[Story #161](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/aaaaa-161)

[

Healing was the best I could have done. It meant everything to me, it made me a better version of myself, It made me realize that I can live without this toxic person. It thought me to love myself and appreciate me.

](/en/message/healing-was-the-best-i-could-have-done-it-meant-everything-to-me-it-made-me-a-better-version-of-myself-it-made-me-realize-that-i-can-live-without-this-toxic-person-it-thought-me-to-love-myself-and-app-149)

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#### “It can be really difficult to ask for help when you are struggling. Healing is a huge weight to bear, but you do not need to bear it on your own.”

##### Story

From a survivor

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[

#### how to breathe after sexual trauma

i was fifteen when the very first boy i dated raped me. and then i turned sixteen, i got into another relationship (with someone i trusted even more than my first ex) and he also raped me. and every time i slept, i thought the rape would swallow me in whole because i didn't feel like i was really living after. however, i'm not their ex. i'm not a rape victim. i'm a survivor. i have a name. and the only thing that'll engulf my shores are the waves of healing drowning my sorrows away. i am in a healthy relatiuonship now, two years after all of that, and i am so proud of myself. i'm working everyday trying not to guilt trip myself over experiencing real and consensual pleasure and at the same time getting justice for myself (in my own way) for the fact that i was too scared to report back then.

](/en/story/how-to-breathe-after-sexual-trauma-218)

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##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

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[Story #170](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/my-story-170)

[

I remember for months after everything being so depressed. I didn’t think it would get better. Then there was this one day after I had left therapy and I lived by OneRepublic came on and I remember saying to myself “man Life is beautiful” and I immediately started crying. I knew in that moment that things were gonna be okay even if they weren’t in the moment. Now two years later even though there are still some days where it hits me all over again, I am doing so good. So to anyone who feels the way I felt: there’s so much life and hope/happiness ahead of you.

](/en/message/i-remember-for-months-after-everything-being-so-depressed-i-didnt-think-it-would-get-better-then-there-was-this-one-day-after-i-had-left-therapy-and-i-lived-by-onerepublic-came-on-and-i-remember-sayin-159)

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##### Story

From a survivor

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[

#### #152

I was first raped when I was 14 years old, by a classmate. I didn’t know it was rape for almost 10 years. I was raped again when I was 20 years old, by a friend in my dorm on campus. I’m now 28 years old and work as an educator, counselor and advocate for interpersonal violence prevention. I have been searching for a place to share my story without having to share my identity (thank you endlessly EROC/It’s On Us for this space). I have so much to share but even more so I hope whoever is reading this knows they’re not alone.

](/en/story/f85ec6cd-8415-4fb2-a2ae-139c8ab88f58)

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##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

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[Story #152](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/f85ec6cd-8415-4fb2-a2ae-139c8ab88f58)

[

Your pain, your strength, your story, and your experiences are so real and so valid. You are not alone. I may not know you but I care about you and I care about your story. You do not have to carry it alone. Yesterday, today, or tomorrow may be difficult, but you have survived every moment up until now and you will make it through. You did not deserve what happened to you and it should never have happened at all. But you are so much more than what happened to you. You are a whole person with ideas, goals, talents, humor, love, and so much more. You are not your trauma.

](/en/message/your-pain-your-strength-your-story-and-your-experiences-are-so-real-and-so-valid-you-are-not-alone-i-may-not-know-you-but-i-care-about-you-and-i-care-about-your-story-you-do-not-have-to-carry-it-alone-137)

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##### Story

From a survivor

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[

#### #342

“You are not alone. It was not your fault. It is possible to heal. It is not too late.” As a survivor of trauma and abuse, I am learning to cope with strategies – such as denial, self-blame, an unconscious reenactment of unresolved traumatic experiences, and normalizing sexual exploitation. When I was hurt being sexually traumatized by my father, secrecy, shame, and self-worth boundaries did not matter. No one could be trusted, and the world was not safe. Emotions from my childhood were complex and confusing. There was no single method or pattern of remembering a traumatic experience. I went through my life trying to satisfy everyone, and always forgot myself, but God blessed me by helping me get through my adulthood trauma. With faith in the Lord, everything comes to light. Yes, good is the light that shines within ones-self, and that makes you attract and remember that any trauma can be overcome, as-long-as you remember that we can teach ourselves appropriately how to feel about ourselves. And, that we all deserve the best. Remember we are born to love, to express love, and feel happy about living. Remember, God has our back, and always remember, He sees all. Amen. I experienced that shame and defensiveness throughout my childhood and all through high school. I kept moving, and I kept attempting to ignore the fact that I had this massive entity inside me which I needed to get out of! Today there are many times I do not feel comfortable expressing my emotions and attempt to cope through self-destructive behavior which then impacts my life. I have finally shared my story publicly, and have started feeling some real, significant relief. I’ve expressed my emotions, and no one has reacted negatively. No one has judged me nor have they thoughtless of me. But now I think, “You know what? My family doesn’t know this about me.” I have been afraid to tell my family for so many years! And, finally, it is time. Here is what I want you to know: If you’ve experienced any kind of sexual abuse or trauma, you do not have to feel guilty! You can forgive yourself, and you can forgive others for their behavior. You no longer need be a prisoner of these experiences. Focus on what you have. That may be easier said than done. But, when you’ve lost something so important, you need to focus on what you have, and make the best of what you have, and do not fall into the trap of self-pity! One neat trick is to find at least one positive thought and focus all your energy on that premise! At first, it may feel too little, but once you maintain focus and all your energy on that one thought, you’ll find coping with the present setting a much more positive experience. Take small steps to make subtle shifts, “The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.” – Lao Tzu. Again, in dealing with trauma, healing will not happen quickly. You must remember to be patient and gentle with yourself while allowing the process to unfold. It is important not to be harsh with yourself. Indeed, you’ve already experienced enough. The good news is that there are very effective ways to cope with and treat the effects of trauma. I have found these actions quite helpful. \*Lean on your loved ones. Identify friends or family members for support. If you feel ready to discuss the traumatic event, you might talk to them about your experience and your feelings. You can also ask loved ones to help you with household tasks or other obligations to relieve some of your daily stress. \*Face your feelings. It’s normal to want to avoid thinking about a traumatic event. But not leaving the house, sleeping all the time, isolating yourself from loved ones, and using substances to escape reminders are not healthy ways to cope over time. Though avoidance is normal, too much of it can prolong your stress and keep you from healing. Gradually, try to ease back into a normal routine. Support from loved ones or a mental health professional can help quite a bit as you get back-in-the-groove. \*Be patient. Remember that it’s normal to have a strong reaction to a distressing event. Take things one-day-at-a-time as you recover. As the days pass, your symptoms should start to gradually improve. One final thing: The Sexual Violence Survivor’s Bill of Rights: 1. No one has the right to abuse you or anyone else. 2. No one deserves to be assaulted or abused. 3. You have a right to stop the abuse that is happening to you or anyone else. 4. You have a right to pursue healing and justice for the abuse that has happened. 5. Sexual violence is wrong. The abuser is wrong. People who protect the abuser are wrong. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. 6. You did not destroy the family or betray their trust by speaking out about your abuse. The perpetrator destroyed the trust of the family every time he/she committed an act of abuse, Bible Quotes: Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 2 Corinthians 1:4 “Suffering in this life often feels meaningless. Scripture immediately brings a sense of purpose to our suffering. Those who have been comforted by God—strengthened, encouraged, relieved of the burden—have opportunity to pass along comfort to others who are suffering. In that sense, God's comfort is reproducible and repeatable. God remains the source, but believers can keep distributing God's comfort to others who suffer as they have.”

](/en/story/ece396a9-7ee5-4ee5-b631-bd80262368fd)

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#### “You are the author of your own story. Your story is yours and yours alone despite your experiences.”

##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

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[Story #1228](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/e1579fff-0449-47c8-a72e-f136f06dc58e)

[

Healing is being not thinking that this defines who I am. Healing is walking pass him on campus and smiling to myself because he doesn’t have any hold over me anymore. Healing is powerful.

](/en/message/healing-is-being-not-thinking-that-this-defines-who-i-am-healing-is-walking-pass-him-on-campus-and-smiling-to-myself-because-he-doesnt-have-any-hold-over-me-anymore-healing-is-powerful-1127)

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##### Story

From a survivor

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[

#### Scars Like Wings pt.2

\[Image: Scars Like Wings pt.2\]

](/en/story/scars-like-wings-pt2-190)

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##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

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[Story #145](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/blackout-145)

[

Healing is about self-care, therapy, and practicing positive mental health. I also believe healing is about learning about what your options are and what you can do to reclaim yourself worth, body, and mind. Sometimes after your sexual assault, you don't trust yourself anymore. So you have to work back to loving yourself and reclaiming parts of you that were destroyed in that moment. You won't be fully back to your normal self, but you will evolve into someone who feels more in control and powerful.

](/en/message/healing-is-about-self-care-therapy-and-practicing-positive-mental-health-i-also-believe-healing-is-about-learning-about-what-your-options-are-and-what-you-can-do-to-reclaim-yourself-worth-body-and-min-128)

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##### Story

From a survivor

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[

#### Surviving my father.

Hello, my name is Name and this is my story... The abuse was rather physical, starting at a young age, as early as I can remember. EMDR has taken me back to memories around two-years-old where my dad was physical, large, and just scary. While he was a very abusive man physically, this is about what he did to me starting at 13. The sexual abuse started off simple when I was just a young woman, but it progressed to beyond a living nightmare. This man had not only asked me to marry him and be his wife over three times, he also didn't let me leave after the age of 18 when I tried to move out. The abuse was more than just inappropriate touches, he made me share a room with him after I turned 16, and I felt life was over then. When he started to make me sleep in his room, he then had full access to me and didn't have any boundaries - at all. Many days and nights I was stuck at the house for him because he would let others in the family go out and explore life, while I was grounded so he could keep an eye on me. I was not allowed to talk to boys my age, and if I did, it would make him jealous and angry. I had a constant phone check and had to prove where every text message went. I won't go into the detail of the things he did, but he did everything to me that a man should only do with his wife, not his daughter. I was very scared of this man as he spent every moment watching me and what I did. He even threatened to end both of our lives if I didn't comply, which is something all survivors feel or go through. When I turned 18, I left that night and walked from City, State, to the airport in City, State 2 in middle of the night. I was desperate to get out, and he wasn't going to let me go. When I arrived at the airport and started begging for money, shortly into the morning, I turned around, and there he was. Walking up to me, taking me back to the car. I was too scared to scream out. He was mad at me, and took me back to our home in Citywhere he locked me in his room for 2 weeks where I wasn't allowed to talk to family members, my phone was taken away, and food was served to me. At 19, I tried again. I begged my mom for help and she took me to the City Greyhound bus station and bought me a ticket. She told me to lay low and be careful and sent me off with a wifi capable phone. After 32 hours of travel on the bus, I got a call from my mom stating my dad found out and he was on his way. When the bus pulled into the City, State 3 station, he was there, again, to take me back. I tried to fight this time, after he broke a promise. He told me he wanted to make sure I was safe and promised to go take me to my grandparents. Tired, hungry and needing the ride, I believed him. Instead of going North, he started driving south. I started screaming and he turned up the music, eventually I passed out due to exhaustion and woke up back in NM. I finally escaped at 21 when we moved to TN and a friend, I met out there understood what I was going through. He helped sneak me out of that house one day, and I left with nothing. My father found out where I was again and came to kidnap me again. This time, cops were called, and I went in for protection. My father didn't let me take a single article of clothing at that time when he knew I was officially out of his hands. For the next few years, I didn't know how to navigate life or around my family. I held my story in, carrying shame and guilt for things that were out of my control. I wanted a family, so I tried to pretend things didn't happen and in 2015 I moved back to UT to be around my family again. When I did this, I couldn't shake the feeling of discomfort and ick. I eventually met a boy who let me move in (because I was broke and living with my family wasn't working) and started to help me out. We ended up dating and becoming a relationship and having a little boy. In this time frame, I started making boundaries with my family and telling them who my father was, no one believed me. In 2020 I woke up one day, it was national siblings' day, and I was feeling hurt. I was sad they all took his side and that my 5 brothers, mother, and little sister all believed him over me and called me really bad names. I posted on TikTok about my story, and it started to blow up as many others started to feel a similar way or went through similar things. This was the start of my healing journey. I said, I don't have to feel shame for my past, and I can take control of who I am today. The past doesn't have to define you, but who you are can be up to you. While it was and still is hard correcting bad or unwanted habits, I am grateful for who I am now because of the pain I've been through. Because of the suffering I endeared for the first 21 years of my life, it has made the 32-year-old woman bright and positive. I have spent years in therapy with EMDR, ART, Mindfulness, breathwork, and many other courses through the years have gotten me to the warrior I am today. I take pride in my story, and I own it. I can't change what I have been through, but I can make the changes to better my future and be a better mom for my son. After seeing my mother take the abuse from my father, I told myself I would never be like her. After 10 years of living with my child's father, I have become stronger and recognized the signs of domestic abuse that I too, was going through. After years of triggers, and realizing he is life my father, I gained the strength to go off like I needed. I am now a single mother who loves her son, works with a large corporation in their Behavioral Health division, and creating my own business pathways to help other survivors thrive. I know the healing journey is hard, and it can be hard to start, but you got this. We all do!

](/en/story/surviving-my-father-1450)

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##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

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[Story #165](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/speaking-up-165)

[

Healing means taking control over my life that I have never had. Healing would mean to me that I am so much stronger than my trauma and that my older brother, my ex, and the guy I went on the date with, do not win, I do.

](/en/message/healing-means-taking-control-over-my-life-that-i-have-never-had-healing-would-mean-to-me-that-i-am-so-much-stronger-than-my-trauma-and-that-my-older-brother-my-ex-and-the-guy-i-went-on-the-date-with-name-155)

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#### “It’s always okay to reach out for help”

##### Story

From a survivor

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[

#### Love isn’t forced

They say that the people you love are supposed to protect and care for you. I believed that for a very long time, until January 26th, 2021. That day changed my life forever. I had been talking to this boy on and off for over a year, and I loved him very much. Looking back, I was very naive and oblivious to the fact that he was manipulative, spiteful, and all around just a horrible person. He would control every aspect of my life. What I wore, who I hung out with, what I did everyday, what I ate. I was a prisoner. I had him over to watch a movie, and told him before hand I didn’t want to do anything. He came over, snuggled up with me, and we began watching a movie. You know that feeling you get when something wrong but you just don’t know what, I had that feeling, but ignored it. He kissed me, which was okay with me. Then he started groping me and pinning me down so I couldn’t move. I froze up, I had no idea what was happening and I was so scared that if I tried to stop him, he would get angry and just do whatever he wanted to me. So he kept going and I was in such shock I couldn’t move or speak. I finally got him off of me before he could, you know. But he left after he realized what had happened. I have been traumatized in my own mental prison and I didn’t tell anyone. His parent is a cop and I didn’t think anyone would believe me over him. I feel so trapped. Over the course of two months, I’ve developed an eating disorder, insomnia, and I have at least four panic attacks a day. It’s actual hell. Only one person knows what happened, my best friend. She’s been my rock through this. I’m starting to not blame myself as much and point the blame where it’s due. I don’t want him to control me anymore than he used to.

](/en/story/love-isnt-forced-162)

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##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #156](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/my-voice-has-returned-156)

[

Healing is comforting, it’s accepting and knowing that things may never change and that sometimes justice may be slow to come, but that with my story and my actions I can help move forward and give a better future for those after me. I want to start a culture of healing and help those who are like me. So we can make a future where things are different and that more people come forward and share their truth.

](/en/message/healing-is-comforting-its-accepting-and-knowing-that-things-may-never-change-and-that-sometimes-justice-may-be-slow-to-come-but-that-with-my-story-and-my-actions-i-can-help-move-forward-and-give-a-bet-145)

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### Welcome to Survivor Spaces.

This is a space where survivors of trauma and abuse share their stories alongside supportive allies. These stories remind us that hope exists even in dark times. You are never alone in your experience. Healing is possible for everyone.

##### What feels like the right place to start today?

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I'm ready to explore the community

##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### #155

I was married and attending a wedding with my now ex husband. His friend came up to me shoved his knee between my legs, grinder on me and backed up and said, now who wants to smell my knee. I was humiliated and my ex and his friends dismissed me and said that's just how he is. I pushed thw issue and my ex verbally attacked me for telling a guy friend of mine who was taking up for me. I was beaten down emotionally and my ex pushed me to apologize to his friend. And I did. I have healed now, I am able to talk about what happened without fear of what could happen. And that had made me feel powerful.

](/en/story/f4660c8e-3c7b-497f-b9d7-2ed59f32bfee)

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##### Story

From a survivor

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[

#### Intake Specialist- Crime Victims Litigation

Sharing my story in writing for the first time in my life- I am 61 years old now. I got pregnant when I was 21 years old. At the time I was in City - College- My boyfriend at the time and me decided to have an abortion. Abortion in City is illegal. But we found a " clinic" that said that they will be able to help me with the abortion. I remember that morning scare and so innocent. I meet the " doctor: who supposed to conduct the abortion. What this " doctor" ending doing was raping me while I was semi unconscious. I remember very clear all the things he did to me. I couldn't move. I remember waking up and telling my boyfriend, my sister but no one believe me and said that no way I could remember because I was under the anesthesia. I couldn't go to the authorities because what I have done was illegal and I thought that no one will be able to help. My sister stated that she believed me and went and tried to talk to the doctor (I do not remember that, but I do believe her). Honestly, this is the first time I am typing my story and no to many people knows about it. I am working now with survivor with DV and SA no because of what happened to me rather because I think is so important the support can provide to someone who has experiencing this horrific act of violence. Thank you for reading my story,

](/en/story/intake-specialist-crime-victims-litigation-535)

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##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #189](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/someday-survivor-189)

[

healing means wearing shorts again. it means believing that i’m worthy of the love that people give me.

](/en/message/healing-means-wearing-shorts-again-it-means-believing-that-im-worthy-of-the-love-that-people-give-me-176)

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##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #1450](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/surviving-my-father-1450)

[

Healing means to me, finding myself and learning to be 'selfish'. We are taught young, especially as young women, that our life is meant to give to others, and being selfish, is well, selfish. But there is more to that! If you can't truly love yourself or take care of yourself, how will you take care of others? How do you become a beacon of light to guide others when your own batteries are still dead? Healing is hard, but worth it.

](/en/message/healing-means-to-me-finding-myself-and-learning-to-be-selfish-we-are-taught-young-especially-as-young-women-that-our-life-is-meant-to-give-to-others-and-being-selfish-is-well-selfish-but-there-is-more-1276)

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##### Story

From a survivor

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[

#### #168

I was only 6 years old when I was sexually assaulted. The first time I talked about it with anyone and said it out loud was this year. I'm now 22... that means it's been 16 years later. But I am so thankful to have the support system I do have - the support system who has been strong enough to give me the courage to finally speak up for myself ❤️

](/en/story/40211980-7dee-4b52-b5e6-ab2b5575fa01)

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##### Story

From a survivor

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[

#### You are not alone, you are a survivor

You are not alone; you are a survivor. Hebrew 10:17-18 You are not partially forgiven. You are perfectly forgiven. Revelation 21:4, "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." Joel 2:25, "God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing all you need is faith. I hope this will be my final chapter of letting go of what on my heart regarding being sexually abused. This has been a journey for the past 40 plus years of my life. Been sick in tired hold it in my heart, I had no one to talk to about the abuse. I held it in for years, one day in late April of 2020 I spoke with name from Men Passionate about Christ that was the first step. The guys from MPAC were there to listen and guide me through the different bible verses. This helped me to get over some of my issues. So I want to say please speak with someone about it and do not hold it in for years or months all it going to do make you sick. It also gives you a flashback from someone abusing you. One thing some people will not believe you that you have been sexually abused ignore them. Try to get help by speaking with someone professional or good friend about it. Isaiah 43:2-3a: "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God." There one question I ask myself all the time, Is why my father sexually abused me for years. I cannot get the answer because he has passed away. I have been doing some thinking for the past month. Trying to find the answer through studying and asking questions. The bad part of my life I will never know the why, so this could haunt me for a long time. I was not prepared to cope with repeated pain and fear of sexual abused. I could not understand the sexual activity that was being done to me. I suffered emotionally for years I experienced shame and self-doubt. Not all sexual abused children will be gay. That goes for both males and females. One of the biggest problems was I never disclosed my sexually abused to anyone. I developed low self-esteem, a feeling of worthlessness, and an abnormal or distorted view of sex. I become withdrawn and distrustful of many people in my life. Sexual abuse is no joking matter, It happens every day in someone's life. It could be a family member, a close friend, or even your next-door neighbor that did this to you. Age does make a difference I was in my early teens when was abused, I had all three. I was too young. I lost my childhood. Here are some stats that I found on the internet regarding sexual abuse of young males and females: 1 in 3 girls are sexually abused before the age of 18 1 in 5 boys are sexually abused before the age of 18 1 in 5 children is solicited sexually while on the internet before the age of 18. Some of my hidden problems when I was growing up were, feeling shame, not being believed, lack of vocabulary, and fear of consequences. The list goes on. Here are some of the Immediate and lasting effects that I had growing up and experienced as a child. Low–esteem or self-hatred, depression, Guilt, Shame, and blame. The biggest problem I had was flashbacks of the images of abuse I still experience flashback nightmares. I have forgiven my father for he has down to me. It did hard to do for so many years. Now I understand forgiveness and peace. In the last three months, I have seen a difference in my life. I feel at peace and the pressure has been lifted off my shoulders. I was a prisoner of my memories, I was lying to friends and family members about everything. I have started making peace with my brother and sister-in-law. For the past year. we had been talking on the phone every Sunday. To all that read this article: I do understand we you are coming from. Some people do not believe in you that you have been abused and some do. All my life there people do not have to believe in God is the only one that will protect them and give them strength. Jesus does listen it may take time but, he is for you. (Quote) Be patient with yourself, over time you might notice small pleasures, small moments that make you feel like you are coming back to some parts of yourself that are not lost. Forgive those who have hurt you, trust is a process, yes but forgiveness is an instant choice of your will. You can begin to reclaim the peace and joy in your life when you can move from the pain. God's Promise to you is….STRENGTH The lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Palm 27:1 Isaiah 41:10 Roman 3: God extends grace to us instead of judgment. Some of my references came from rain.org, 1in6.org, the bible, and Michelle Bowdler author and advocate

](/en/story/you-are-not-alone-you-are-a-survivor-374)

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##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #185](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/survivor-she-they-185)

[

Healing to me is therapy and sharing my story

](/en/message/healing-to-me-is-therapy-and-sharing-my-story-1815)

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##### Community Message

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[

I moved to the US from Japan when I was 13. A female teacher offered to give me extra help since I was new to this culture and struggling to keep up with the other students. During study hall and after school I would go to her room where it was just us two. At first things were fine but about a month into her tutoring me things got weird. She started unbuttoning the top 4 buttons on her shirt and leaning down over my desk giving me ample view of her brest. As time went on she would sit beside me

](/en/message/i-moved-to-the-us-from-japan-when-i-was-13-a-female-teacher-offered-to-give-me-extra-help-since-i-was-new-to-this-culture-and-struggling-to-keep-up-with-the-other-students-during-study-hall-and-after-1609)

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##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### A cold winter night

It was a cold snowy winter night just before the COVID shutdown spread across the country. I was attending the second-year graduate school class reception with a group of friends from the second-year graduate class. My "date" as my invitation to attend that class's event was really someone everyone knew was in a committed long-distance relationship and just using the extra ticket as a fun excuse to invite me as friend. It was a fun time to explore a historic mansion while having food and wine. An hour later, as it was about to conclude, one of the second-year's partners turns to me and tells me she would really like to meet me at a bar, and a group of people from that class are planning to go there. I turn to my "date" and we both agree to go. We drove to the vintage bar, one I never had been to before. I walk in through the snow and ice in my black high heels in a cocktail dress covered by my winter jacket, trying my best not to trip. A cocktail and a few conversations among classmates of my "date" later, I find myself in the corner chatting with the person who invited me to the bar from the reception. Something seemed off from the start of the conversation -- and it only got worse. The 30-something-appearing cis woman was a faculty member, yet seemed to serial date younger, new students at the same professional school -- a fact a classmate mentioned in passing with an eye-roll earlier. The one-to-one conversation with me appeared to go in circles, with her repeating the same stories over and over again without realizing that she was doing so. Awkward conversation, but it would just be a temporarily annoyance, my thought was. Yet it took an even more bizarre turn. She kept getting closer to closer to me as she was talking. At one point, she touched my shoulder, ostensibly to make a comment about how she liked my dress. She was mentioning her professional expertise and connections in the field I was, and still am, most interested in entering. She then started asking me awkward questions about how I was visibly trans, and then mentioned as a complete non-sequitur how she was the dominant "masculine" partner in her relationship. And then, to my horror, I noticed her abruptly lifting the bottom of my dress up and reaching underneath my dress to attempt to grope either my inner thigh...or worse. This wasn't just a slight motion; her hand was fully underneath my dress and moving fast upwards, from what I could clearly see from the brief glimpse I took. I immediately stepped backwards with a wide-eyed look on my face, in total disbelief of what just happened...and what did not happen that was mere seconds away from fully happening. She turned away in a hurry and walked back to her partner at the bar -- who was oblivious to what just happened -- grabbed him by the arm, and made an excuse to request to leave. This was not the first time I had experience attempted or completed sexual assault. Just like when I experienced rape the year of my college graduation, during a different cold winter night years earlier, I remember feeling puzzled, confused, and very much \*not\* wanting to put a label on what just happened to me. The events of each night leading up to the sexual assault always seem so random and not predictable as they are happening, but in retrospect, it is so easy to attempt to scrutinize every detail as a possible warning sign of what was to come. Yet I do not even want to think about the likely reality that the attempted sexual assault I experienced that night seemed to happen due to being visibly trans. When people think of post-traumatic stress disorder from an evolutionary perspective, it is typically thought of as an adaptive way to avoid situations of future danger. But when you're scared of social events and comments about personal identity, just think of how unpredictable the healing journey is.

](/en/story/a-cold-winter-night-238)

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##### Story

From a survivor

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[

#### my voice has returned

I was silenced for so long, now my voice rings free. I’m still filled with agony and it’s hard to bear, but there is hope and I know each day I am getting better. I was silenced by so many who wanted to keep me and my story down. I was sexually assaulted by a member of a fraternity and then the whole fraternity has worked endlessly to help cover up my assault. I was too scared to even come forward as they threatened me and started rumors and lies to harass me. I will not be silent anymore. I am standing strong and resilient. They did not break me, I will rise from this terrible event. I am leaving behind the shell of me who never would have spoken up and sat in agony longer everyday for someone who now stands tall and proud. I’ve used my voice and my experiences to advocate for others who have been hurt like me. I am ready to use my voice for good and start a revolution.

](/en/story/my-voice-has-returned-156)

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##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #161](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/aaaaa-161)

[

Healing was the best I could have done. It meant everything to me, it made me a better version of myself, It made me realize that I can live without this toxic person. It thought me to love myself and appreciate me.

](/en/message/healing-was-the-best-i-could-have-done-it-meant-everything-to-me-it-made-me-a-better-version-of-myself-it-made-me-realize-that-i-can-live-without-this-toxic-person-it-thought-me-to-love-myself-and-app-149)

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##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #170](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/my-story-170)

[

I remember for months after everything being so depressed. I didn’t think it would get better. Then there was this one day after I had left therapy and I lived by OneRepublic came on and I remember saying to myself “man Life is beautiful” and I immediately started crying. I knew in that moment that things were gonna be okay even if they weren’t in the moment. Now two years later even though there are still some days where it hits me all over again, I am doing so good. So to anyone who feels the way I felt: there’s so much life and hope/happiness ahead of you.

](/en/message/i-remember-for-months-after-everything-being-so-depressed-i-didnt-think-it-would-get-better-then-there-was-this-one-day-after-i-had-left-therapy-and-i-lived-by-onerepublic-came-on-and-i-remember-sayin-159)

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##### Story

From a survivor

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[

#### #342

“You are not alone. It was not your fault. It is possible to heal. It is not too late.” As a survivor of trauma and abuse, I am learning to cope with strategies – such as denial, self-blame, an unconscious reenactment of unresolved traumatic experiences, and normalizing sexual exploitation. When I was hurt being sexually traumatized by my father, secrecy, shame, and self-worth boundaries did not matter. No one could be trusted, and the world was not safe. Emotions from my childhood were complex and confusing. There was no single method or pattern of remembering a traumatic experience. I went through my life trying to satisfy everyone, and always forgot myself, but God blessed me by helping me get through my adulthood trauma. With faith in the Lord, everything comes to light. Yes, good is the light that shines within ones-self, and that makes you attract and remember that any trauma can be overcome, as-long-as you remember that we can teach ourselves appropriately how to feel about ourselves. And, that we all deserve the best. Remember we are born to love, to express love, and feel happy about living. Remember, God has our back, and always remember, He sees all. Amen. I experienced that shame and defensiveness throughout my childhood and all through high school. I kept moving, and I kept attempting to ignore the fact that I had this massive entity inside me which I needed to get out of! Today there are many times I do not feel comfortable expressing my emotions and attempt to cope through self-destructive behavior which then impacts my life. I have finally shared my story publicly, and have started feeling some real, significant relief. I’ve expressed my emotions, and no one has reacted negatively. No one has judged me nor have they thoughtless of me. But now I think, “You know what? My family doesn’t know this about me.” I have been afraid to tell my family for so many years! And, finally, it is time. Here is what I want you to know: If you’ve experienced any kind of sexual abuse or trauma, you do not have to feel guilty! You can forgive yourself, and you can forgive others for their behavior. You no longer need be a prisoner of these experiences. Focus on what you have. That may be easier said than done. But, when you’ve lost something so important, you need to focus on what you have, and make the best of what you have, and do not fall into the trap of self-pity! One neat trick is to find at least one positive thought and focus all your energy on that premise! At first, it may feel too little, but once you maintain focus and all your energy on that one thought, you’ll find coping with the present setting a much more positive experience. Take small steps to make subtle shifts, “The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.” – Lao Tzu. Again, in dealing with trauma, healing will not happen quickly. You must remember to be patient and gentle with yourself while allowing the process to unfold. It is important not to be harsh with yourself. Indeed, you’ve already experienced enough. The good news is that there are very effective ways to cope with and treat the effects of trauma. I have found these actions quite helpful. \*Lean on your loved ones. Identify friends or family members for support. If you feel ready to discuss the traumatic event, you might talk to them about your experience and your feelings. You can also ask loved ones to help you with household tasks or other obligations to relieve some of your daily stress. \*Face your feelings. It’s normal to want to avoid thinking about a traumatic event. But not leaving the house, sleeping all the time, isolating yourself from loved ones, and using substances to escape reminders are not healthy ways to cope over time. Though avoidance is normal, too much of it can prolong your stress and keep you from healing. Gradually, try to ease back into a normal routine. Support from loved ones or a mental health professional can help quite a bit as you get back-in-the-groove. \*Be patient. Remember that it’s normal to have a strong reaction to a distressing event. Take things one-day-at-a-time as you recover. As the days pass, your symptoms should start to gradually improve. One final thing: The Sexual Violence Survivor’s Bill of Rights: 1. No one has the right to abuse you or anyone else. 2. No one deserves to be assaulted or abused. 3. You have a right to stop the abuse that is happening to you or anyone else. 4. You have a right to pursue healing and justice for the abuse that has happened. 5. Sexual violence is wrong. The abuser is wrong. People who protect the abuser are wrong. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. 6. You did not destroy the family or betray their trust by speaking out about your abuse. The perpetrator destroyed the trust of the family every time he/she committed an act of abuse, Bible Quotes: Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 2 Corinthians 1:4 “Suffering in this life often feels meaningless. Scripture immediately brings a sense of purpose to our suffering. Those who have been comforted by God—strengthened, encouraged, relieved of the burden—have opportunity to pass along comfort to others who are suffering. In that sense, God's comfort is reproducible and repeatable. God remains the source, but believers can keep distributing God's comfort to others who suffer as they have.”

](/en/story/ece396a9-7ee5-4ee5-b631-bd80262368fd)

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##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### Scars Like Wings pt.2

\[Image: Scars Like Wings pt.2\]

](/en/story/scars-like-wings-pt2-190)

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##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #165](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/speaking-up-165)

[

Healing means taking control over my life that I have never had. Healing would mean to me that I am so much stronger than my trauma and that my older brother, my ex, and the guy I went on the date with, do not win, I do.

](/en/message/healing-means-taking-control-over-my-life-that-i-have-never-had-healing-would-mean-to-me-that-i-am-so-much-stronger-than-my-trauma-and-that-my-older-brother-my-ex-and-the-guy-i-went-on-the-date-with-name-155)

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##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #156](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/my-voice-has-returned-156)

[

Healing is comforting, it’s accepting and knowing that things may never change and that sometimes justice may be slow to come, but that with my story and my actions I can help move forward and give a better future for those after me. I want to start a culture of healing and help those who are like me. So we can make a future where things are different and that more people come forward and share their truth.

](/en/message/healing-is-comforting-its-accepting-and-knowing-that-things-may-never-change-and-that-sometimes-justice-may-be-slow-to-come-but-that-with-my-story-and-my-actions-i-can-help-move-forward-and-give-a-bet-145)

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##### Story

From a survivor

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[21 should have been funWe sat next to each other in class. We became friends immediately. But that’s typical your Freshman year of college. One day, these speakers came in to talk about sexual assault on campus. You had your headphones in and were watching a movie. I tapped on your arm and said it was important and you should pay attention. You told me you didn’t need to because it would never effect you. Would you still say that now? I hope it was a good movie. I hope it was so good that you couldn’t have possibly taken a second to learn about consent. I sometimes wonder if anything would have been different with your movie off and your attention on the speakers. Would I still have been raped? These are the questions that I desperately try to push out of my brain because the answer truly doesn’t matter. What’s done is done and I pay the consequences of your actions. How was your fucking movie? Is it like the sad movie that replays in my brain every day? That movie that’s in black and white? You know the one where you assault me and it takes me months to really find out what you did to my incapacitated body? And I’ll still never truly know. That’s what you can live with because I don’t think I even want to know how far it went. I already saw the bruises on my inner thighs and arms. Did you know that in the ER they re-enacted how I may have gotten those bruises? That image doesn’t leave my head. I’m not sure where I’m going with this. Is it a poem? A letter? Or just somewhere in my notes to vent? Will anyone hear me? I feel like Hobo Johnson when I sit down and try to write about my pain, hurt, disgust, anger, and regret. Again, will anyone hear me? Regret that I ever became your friend. But how was a Freshman girl from a small town in the middle of nowhere suppose to know how to figure of who stranger danger is versus your friend. Because maybe there were some red flags that I missed, but maybe it’s really because I’m nothing like you. I don’t see people and think about the horrible things I can do to them. How could you hurt me like that when you knew how kind my soul was. I’m sure that just made it easier in your mind. Every part of me… the essence of me… made you do something disgusting to me. That’s still not my fault. It’s not my fault that I lost weight and became “more attractive”. It’s not my fault that I am a proud pansexual woman and that became a sick fantasy for you. It’s not my fault that I let you in and you chose to hurt me. It’s not my fault that you became obsessed and possessive. I just wish I never became your friend. When I said to you, “We can’t be friends anymore, I think you raped me”, did you think I’d get over it? Did you think it would all go away? I wish I could get over it and it could all go away. Every second of every day I wish that. If you haven’t figured it out yet, we will never be friends again. I may see you again one day… in a courtroom, but that is it. I hate you. I don’t hate myself anymore. I am healing. I am learning. I am growing. It’s like I never knew who I was until now. And I love who I am. But boy do I hate you. You took away my schooling during my Senior year. I was too afraid to go to my own damn classes because you needed to get off or something I guess. Those are years of my life that I’ll never get back. I could sit there and tell you my story step by step, but that will all come out in court. I’m also tired of repeating it. It’s written down in a journal already. But that’s THE story, not my story. My story started when I was born, but there was a new chapter that began the day I woke up and started to realize what had happened to me. I stood up and I fought like hell. I still fight like hell. I will have my day in court. I will make sure you need to think about this more. Title 9 wanted to protect the school. Not me or you. But I want to protect myself and every other woman you come or may come into contact with. To do that I need to keep talking and keep sharing my story… and THE story. I was 21. I was allowed to drink at that tailgate. You were not allowed to take advantage of my incapacitated body at your fraternity. Fraternity at University. Shame on you for taking advantage of your “best friend” in such a disgusting way. Shame on you for taking advantage of our friendship. Shame on you. Shame on you. Shame on you.](/en/story/21-should-have-been-fun-331)

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#### “We believe you. Your stories matter.”

##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #1450](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/surviving-my-father-1450)

[

I promise you aren't alone. It may feel it when you are in the darkest times or carry all the shame and guilt. Just let it go, the stress and physical pain you carry is not worth what hurt you in the first place. When you keep hurting from someone else, you put the power back into their hands. Take control.

](/en/message/i-promise-you-arent-alone-it-may-feel-it-when-you-are-in-the-darkest-times-or-carry-all-the-shame-and-guilt-just-let-it-go-the-stress-and-physical-pain-you-carry-is-not-worth-what-hurt-you-in-the-firs-1275)

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#### “I have learned to abound in the joy of the small things...and God, the kindness of people. Strangers, teachers, friends. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, but there is good in the world, and this gives me hope too.”

##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### I am more without you.

My parents had never allowed me to date someone before so when they told me they trusted you I was so excited. You made me believe that love was pure and that you were honest in your intentions. I was so young when you taught me how easy it is to be drowned out by lies and false comfort. You used my friends and family against me until I had only your support to go off of. You never heard my cries or my plead to stop. You always did what you wanted. When you wanted. I will never forget you for teaching me how horrid someone can be. Even so, I will heal and grow without you in my life.

](/en/story/i-am-more-without-you-417)

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#### “You are not broken; you are not disgusting or unworthy; you are not unlovable; you are wonderful, strong, and worthy.”

##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #153](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/c-153)

[

I would like to say thank you to all of my supportive friends, my incredibly supportive boyfriend, who has held me through panic attacks even years later, and to my university's sexual assault center, which helped me make it through several tough moments. You are never alone. Please reach out for help if you need it. I know exactly how hard it is, but I also know there is still joy, and it can get better.

](/en/message/i-would-like-to-say-thank-you-to-all-of-my-supportive-friends-my-incredibly-supportive-boyfriend-who-has-held-me-through-panic-attacks-even-years-later-and-to-my-universitys-sexual-assault-center-whic-139)

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#### If you are reading this, you have survived 100% of your worst days. You’re doing great.

##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### #177

I was a teenager and I invited a boy into my room late at night. He pressured me, for about an hour, to sleep with him. Within a 15 minute period I remember him asking 10 times. I thought he wouldn’t like me if I didn’t. So I stopped telling him no; he took that as a yes. That was my first time. Coercion is rape. Full stop.

](/en/story/76a49055-a91c-4ad5-8980-bcbd2ed915c7)

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#### You are wonderful, strong, and worthy. From one survivor to another.

##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #152](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/f85ec6cd-8415-4fb2-a2ae-139c8ab88f58)

[

Healing is ongoing. Healing is a rollercoaster. Healing can feel frustrating and powerful and ugly and beautiful. Healing is surviving another day. Healing is finding strength even when you think you don’t have any (because you always do, it’s already in you).

](/en/message/healing-is-ongoing-healing-is-a-rollercoaster-healing-can-feel-frustrating-and-powerful-and-ugly-and-beautiful-healing-is-surviving-another-day-healing-is-finding-strength-even-when-you-think-you-dont-138)

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#### “It can be really difficult to ask for help when you are struggling. Healing is a huge weight to bear, but you do not need to bear it on your own.”

##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### #152

I was first raped when I was 14 years old, by a classmate. I didn’t know it was rape for almost 10 years. I was raped again when I was 20 years old, by a friend in my dorm on campus. I’m now 28 years old and work as an educator, counselor and advocate for interpersonal violence prevention. I have been searching for a place to share my story without having to share my identity (thank you endlessly EROC/It’s On Us for this space). I have so much to share but even more so I hope whoever is reading this knows they’re not alone.

](/en/story/f85ec6cd-8415-4fb2-a2ae-139c8ab88f58)

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#### “You are the author of your own story. Your story is yours and yours alone despite your experiences.”

##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #145](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/blackout-145)

[

Healing is about self-care, therapy, and practicing positive mental health. I also believe healing is about learning about what your options are and what you can do to reclaim yourself worth, body, and mind. Sometimes after your sexual assault, you don't trust yourself anymore. So you have to work back to loving yourself and reclaiming parts of you that were destroyed in that moment. You won't be fully back to your normal self, but you will evolve into someone who feels more in control and powerful.

](/en/message/healing-is-about-self-care-therapy-and-practicing-positive-mental-health-i-also-believe-healing-is-about-learning-about-what-your-options-are-and-what-you-can-do-to-reclaim-yourself-worth-body-and-min-128)

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#### “It’s always okay to reach out for help”

##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #145](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/blackout-145)

[

Dear fellow survivor, You are not alone. What happened to you isn't your fault. What you recall is valid. How you felt about that moment is valid. How you decide to carry forward is valid. It may seem that your journey is one that you have to take alone. Alone, no. Defining what you need for yourself? Yes. There is a community that surrounds you and it is full of love and a shared identity. Lean on the community when you need to. We are here for each other.

](/en/message/dear-fellow-survivor-you-are-not-alone-what-happened-to-you-isnt-your-fault-what-you-recall-is-valid-how-you-felt-about-that-moment-is-valid-how-you-decide-to-carry-forward-is-valid-it-may-seem-that-y-127)

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##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #1228](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/e1579fff-0449-47c8-a72e-f136f06dc58e)

[

You are strong, and you will overcome this. This isn’t who you are, it’s part of your story, and someday you will use it for better.

](/en/message/you-are-strong-and-you-will-overcome-this-this-isnt-who-you-are-its-part-of-your-story-and-someday-you-will-use-it-for-better-1126)

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##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### #447

Why did you have to be so good at manipulating me. You flirted with me in class, you complimented my outfits when I thought no one cared. You told me you wanted to treat me right, and I'm the fool for beliving you? You told me we should go to the bar, so we did. I felt alive, I felt happy and you just wanted me to keep drinking so I did. You took me back to your place and honestly I don't even remember anything. I woke up and, I've got to give you credit, you were smart to say we had sex right away. It blindsighted me, I liked you so much I didn't want to assume the worst. But of course my little paradise I had with you fell apart. A month later you ended things, said I wasn't right and you wanted to be alone. I felt so destroyed but that wasn't even the worst of it. The puzzle pieces were starting to come together. I'm not coherent when I'm blacked out, if anything I'm demonic. I scream, I vomit, I sieze, I am in no way able to have sex but that didn't matter to you right? Because I wasn't someone you actaully liked, I was just a trophy. I found out only weeks after you left me that you and your football friends had made a bet, a stupid bet to see if you could sleep with me because honestly you weren't that cute. So I hope you're happy, I hope you're proud of yourself for what you did. I hope you never forgot your conquest because you have cursed me to never forget you. -Name

](/en/story/4b4cfe2f-fdd8-4a9b-81cc-069482dd64b7)

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##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[BlackoutIt happened during my second year of graduate school. I traveled from Boston to Connecticut to attend a friend's birthday party. I had other friends that I knew who were going to be there, so I decided why not. The party took place in a private room in the back of a lounge/restaurant. Most of the people who attended where either in the same sorority as me, were a friend, fraternity brother, or fellow military officers of the birthday boy. We all were either dancing, drinking, and grooving to the music that was being played by the DJ in his corner. I remember the birthday boy asking me to take a series of drinking shots with him and a few friends---all custom made by the bartender. "Give us your best shot! \[laughter\] Surprise us," is what I remember him stating to the bartender over the loud music. The two shots we took at jägermeister mixed with a few other liqueurs. Black out. I woke up naked in a hotel room laying on top of and kissing another female friend surrounded by at least four other men in the room. They were encouraging us to continue to make out and grind on one another, including the birthday boy. In the moment, it looked and felt like that scene in a movie where a group of drunk college boys are at a party and egging each other on to do something stupid--but in slow motion. The slow motion became faster and reality sank in. I remember becoming fully aware of what was happening and jumping back and off of her. I remember her passing out. Black out. I woke up again. This time on the floor in front of the hotel bed. He was having sex with me as I woke up from my unconsciousness. I remember looking up to his face and looking to the left of his face realizing that the hotel tv was playing in the background. I remember telling him "no" and "stop" and pushing him off of me. I ran to the bathroom. I was still naked. As I entered the bathroom and shut the door, the first thought that came to my head as I looked into the mirror was, "How the hell did you get yourself into this situation? Is this really you? Are you really here right now?" I started to cry and then quickly reminded myself of where I was at. I then said to myself, "Wash your face. Find your clothes. Find your phone. But don't make a scene." So I washed the darkened mascara off myself. Walked out of the bathroom to find my clothes and phone. I realized that everyone except him seemed to be sleeping and there was another person who was sitting on top of the bed watching tv. The same tv that I saw to the left of him. The same bed that I woke up in front of, on the floor. "Was he just watching this entire time and didn't do anything?" That's what I asked myself. I found my clothes and phone. Phone was dead. After some time passed, everyone started to wake up and I just sat in the chair and waited for everyone to get dressed. We left the hotel room and went to a local IHOP for breakfast. I wasn't sure how to process what happened just hours before. I wasn't sure if I felt safe enough to ask them what happened. I felt disgusted with myself. I also wasn't sure if what I experienced was real. I was hungover. They all were in the military, including the female I woke up in my consciousness to the first time. They drove me all the back to Boston and dropped me off at home. There was no mention about what happened. Goodbye. I entered my apartment, went upstairs, got in the shower and cried. After the shower, I crawled in my bed. Black out.](/en/story/blackout-145)

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##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #162](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/love-isnt-forced-162)

[

I know it’s cliche but it does get better. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, you have to hold on and believe that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought about just ending it. I didn’t see a point in fighting anymore. Then I remembered that I have so much to do in this life still, and I refuse to let some scumbag control me anymore.

](/en/message/i-know-its-cliche-but-it-does-get-better-even-if-it-doesnt-seem-like-it-you-have-to-hold-on-and-believe-that-theres-a-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-i-thought-about-just-ending-it-i-didnt-see-a-point-150)

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##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #164](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/01c6aca5-af51-4957-96c1-c86c6c603f91)

[

You are not alone. I hope you are growing in love and beauty everyday. I am with you.

](/en/message/you-are-not-alone-i-hope-you-are-growing-in-love-and-beauty-everyday-i-am-with-you-1818)

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##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### Speaking up..

I was just 3 years old when it started, my mom walked in on my older brother telling me to get undressed to play the love doctor game. He is my half brother so we had different moms. My mom told my dad to keep his son away from me. Unfortunately it continued for 11 more years. He would hold me down, cover my mouth and touch me or rub up against me. He would wake me up in the middle of the night by touching me. He would even do it when my dad was in the same room asleep but I couldn’t move, I was frozen. I fought everything at first but he was bigger than me and stronger than me so I soon learned that I was powerless. I would lay there crying and then I eventually went numb and would derealize. One time, I was wearing a bathing suit and my brother proceeded to tell me that I put it on to tease him. After that I hated wearing bathing suits. We went on a family vacation with my whole family, we were in the lake, and he started touching me in the lake, I couldn’t do anything but freeze. Those are just a few times it occurred given it was almost every day. He did it in front of my little cousin who then thought it was okay to grab my butt and try and kiss me. I came out about my abuse my sophomore year of High school, so about 2 years ago. I spiraled very fast starting high school, I began drinking a lot and getting into drugs to cope. One night, I was at a party and I got extremely drunk and high and was passed out, my ex bf dragged me into this supply closet and raped me. Everyone called me a whore for it and blamed me. I then went on a date with a guy later that year, for Valentine’s Day, he asked me to give him oral, I said no, multiple times, then he forced me, I cried the whole time, and still to this day he sees nothing wrong with it. I was told I shouldn’t have put myself in that position. I am still forced to be around all of these people and struggle with my mental health. I have PTSD, Anxiety, and depression, and they have no consequences for their actions only I do.

](/en/story/speaking-up-165)

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##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[1 new update](/en/story/b2e50e04-51e2-4fee-9523-321cde7618c8#updates)

[

#### #480

Freshman year started with the It's on Us training, all freshman packed into the basketball arena. Jokes about "drinking tea" started then and continued throughout college. He was there. Listening, making jokes about "tea." At the beginning of second semester it happened. I froze but didn't say no until damage was done, I willed myself to speak, say the 'stop' and 'no' that screamed in my mind, but not until he started to go farther did my stillness break. I said no more and he listened. I hated it and it tore me up inside but I thought I was in the wrong. I didn't realize it was rape until five years later. I said okay the first time he raped me, it quickly became not okay. If someone starts drinking tea, they can change their mind and not finish. I froze. Don't force someone to drink tea. And "tea" jokes are rape jokes. Six years later I am starting to heal, to come to terms with what happened. I have healed so much in the last few months. It is difficult and the days aren't linear, but things are getting easier.

](/en/story/b2e50e04-51e2-4fee-9523-321cde7618c8)

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##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #535](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/intake-specialist-crime-victims-litigation-535)

[

Love you all!!!!!!!!!!!

](/en/message/love-you-all-453)

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##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #535](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/intake-specialist-crime-victims-litigation-535)

[

Healing means everything to me- And honestly you are healing every single day!! every single day!! little by little.

](/en/message/healing-means-everything-to-me-and-honestly-you-are-healing-every-single-day-every-single-day-little-by-little-454)

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##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### #157

I was a college student working a part-time receptionist job and we went out to happy hour with a group of colleagues. After a few drinks, a smaller group of us went to one colleague's apartment to hang out. You kept mixing drinks and begged me to try them - just a sip, just to taste. I started to feel a little dizzy, and you told me I could crash upstairs for a bit. I woke up in the middle of the night to you removing my clothes and touching me, but I wasn't lucid enough to do anything. I asked you the next day why you did what you did. I was passed out. You told me that it takes two.

](/en/story/23138afd-6482-4937-b3f0-ce1fe46cf40b)

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##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### how to breathe after sexual trauma

i was fifteen when the very first boy i dated raped me. and then i turned sixteen, i got into another relationship (with someone i trusted even more than my first ex) and he also raped me. and every time i slept, i thought the rape would swallow me in whole because i didn't feel like i was really living after. however, i'm not their ex. i'm not a rape victim. i'm a survivor. i have a name. and the only thing that'll engulf my shores are the waves of healing drowning my sorrows away. i am in a healthy relatiuonship now, two years after all of that, and i am so proud of myself. i'm working everyday trying not to guilt trip myself over experiencing real and consensual pleasure and at the same time getting justice for myself (in my own way) for the fact that i was too scared to report back then.

](/en/story/how-to-breathe-after-sexual-trauma-218)

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##### Message of Hope

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #152](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/f85ec6cd-8415-4fb2-a2ae-139c8ab88f58)

[

Your pain, your strength, your story, and your experiences are so real and so valid. You are not alone. I may not know you but I care about you and I care about your story. You do not have to carry it alone. Yesterday, today, or tomorrow may be difficult, but you have survived every moment up until now and you will make it through. You did not deserve what happened to you and it should never have happened at all. But you are so much more than what happened to you. You are a whole person with ideas, goals, talents, humor, love, and so much more. You are not your trauma.

](/en/message/your-pain-your-strength-your-story-and-your-experiences-are-so-real-and-so-valid-you-are-not-alone-i-may-not-know-you-but-i-care-about-you-and-i-care-about-your-story-you-do-not-have-to-carry-it-alone-137)

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##### Message of Healing

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[Story #1228](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/e1579fff-0449-47c8-a72e-f136f06dc58e)

[

Healing is being not thinking that this defines who I am. Healing is walking pass him on campus and smiling to myself because he doesn’t have any hold over me anymore. Healing is powerful.

](/en/message/healing-is-being-not-thinking-that-this-defines-who-i-am-healing-is-walking-pass-him-on-campus-and-smiling-to-myself-because-he-doesnt-have-any-hold-over-me-anymore-healing-is-powerful-1127)

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##### Story

From a survivor

🇺🇸

[

#### Surviving my father.

Hello, my name is Name and this is my story... The abuse was rather physical, starting at a young age, as early as I can remember. EMDR has taken me back to memories around two-years-old where my dad was physical, large, and just scary. While he was a very abusive man physically, this is about what he did to me starting at 13. The sexual abuse started off simple when I was just a young woman, but it progressed to beyond a living nightmare. This man had not only asked me to marry him and be his wife over three times, he also didn't let me leave after the age of 18 when I tried to move out. The abuse was more than just inappropriate touches, he made me share a room with him after I turned 16, and I felt life was over then. When he started to make me sleep in his room, he then had full access to me and didn't have any boundaries - at all. Many days and nights I was stuck at the house for him because he would let others in the family go out and explore life, while I was grounded so he could keep an eye on me. I was not allowed to talk to boys my age, and if I did, it would make him jealous and angry. I had a constant phone check and had to prove where every text message went. I won't go into the detail of the things he did, but he did everything to me that a man should only do with his wife, not his daughter. I was very scared of this man as he spent every moment watching me and what I did. He even threatened to end both of our lives if I didn't comply, which is something all survivors feel or go through. When I turned 18, I left that night and walked from City, State, to the airport in City, State 2 in middle of the night. I was desperate to get out, and he wasn't going to let me go. When I arrived at the airport and started begging for money, shortly into the morning, I turned around, and there he was. Walking up to me, taking me back to the car. I was too scared to scream out. He was mad at me, and took me back to our home in Citywhere he locked me in his room for 2 weeks where I wasn't allowed to talk to family members, my phone was taken away, and food was served to me. At 19, I tried again. I begged my mom for help and she took me to the City Greyhound bus station and bought me a ticket. She told me to lay low and be careful and sent me off with a wifi capable phone. After 32 hours of travel on the bus, I got a call from my mom stating my dad found out and he was on his way. When the bus pulled into the City, State 3 station, he was there, again, to take me back. I tried to fight this time, after he broke a promise. He told me he wanted to make sure I was safe and promised to go take me to my grandparents. Tired, hungry and needing the ride, I believed him. Instead of going North, he started driving south. I started screaming and he turned up the music, eventually I passed out due to exhaustion and woke up back in NM. I finally escaped at 21 when we moved to TN and a friend, I met out there understood what I was going through. He helped sneak me out of that house one day, and I left with nothing. My father found out where I was again and came to kidnap me again. This time, cops were called, and I went in for protection. My father didn't let me take a single article of clothing at that time when he knew I was officially out of his hands. For the next few years, I didn't know how to navigate life or around my family. I held my story in, carrying shame and guilt for things that were out of my control. I wanted a family, so I tried to pretend things didn't happen and in 2015 I moved back to UT to be around my family again. When I did this, I couldn't shake the feeling of discomfort and ick. I eventually met a boy who let me move in (because I was broke and living with my family wasn't working) and started to help me out. We ended up dating and becoming a relationship and having a little boy. In this time frame, I started making boundaries with my family and telling them who my father was, no one believed me. In 2020 I woke up one day, it was national siblings' day, and I was feeling hurt. I was sad they all took his side and that my 5 brothers, mother, and little sister all believed him over me and called me really bad names. I posted on TikTok about my story, and it started to blow up as many others started to feel a similar way or went through similar things. This was the start of my healing journey. I said, I don't have to feel shame for my past, and I can take control of who I am today. The past doesn't have to define you, but who you are can be up to you. While it was and still is hard correcting bad or unwanted habits, I am grateful for who I am now because of the pain I've been through. Because of the suffering I endeared for the first 21 years of my life, it has made the 32-year-old woman bright and positive. I have spent years in therapy with EMDR, ART, Mindfulness, breathwork, and many other courses through the years have gotten me to the warrior I am today. I take pride in my story, and I own it. I can't change what I have been through, but I can make the changes to better my future and be a better mom for my son. After seeing my mother take the abuse from my father, I told myself I would never be like her. After 10 years of living with my child's father, I have become stronger and recognized the signs of domestic abuse that I too, was going through. After years of triggers, and realizing he is life my father, I gained the strength to go off like I needed. I am now a single mother who loves her son, works with a large corporation in their Behavioral Health division, and creating my own business pathways to help other survivors thrive. I know the healing journey is hard, and it can be hard to start, but you got this. We all do!

](/en/story/surviving-my-father-1450)

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##### Story

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[

#### Love isn’t forced

They say that the people you love are supposed to protect and care for you. I believed that for a very long time, until January 26th, 2021. That day changed my life forever. I had been talking to this boy on and off for over a year, and I loved him very much. Looking back, I was very naive and oblivious to the fact that he was manipulative, spiteful, and all around just a horrible person. He would control every aspect of my life. What I wore, who I hung out with, what I did everyday, what I ate. I was a prisoner. I had him over to watch a movie, and told him before hand I didn’t want to do anything. He came over, snuggled up with me, and we began watching a movie. You know that feeling you get when something wrong but you just don’t know what, I had that feeling, but ignored it. He kissed me, which was okay with me. Then he started groping me and pinning me down so I couldn’t move. I froze up, I had no idea what was happening and I was so scared that if I tried to stop him, he would get angry and just do whatever he wanted to me. So he kept going and I was in such shock I couldn’t move or speak. I finally got him off of me before he could, you know. But he left after he realized what had happened. I have been traumatized in my own mental prison and I didn’t tell anyone. His parent is a cop and I didn’t think anyone would believe me over him. I feel so trapped. Over the course of two months, I’ve developed an eating disorder, insomnia, and I have at least four panic attacks a day. It’s actual hell. Only one person knows what happened, my best friend. She’s been my rock through this. I’m starting to not blame myself as much and point the blame where it’s due. I don’t want him to control me anymore than he used to.

](/en/story/love-isnt-forced-162)

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Grounding activity

Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud:

5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window)

4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?)

3 – things you can hear

2 – things you can smell

1 – thing you like about yourself.

Take a deep breath to end.

From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at.

Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one).

Take a deep breath to end.

Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud:

1\. Where am I?

2\. What day of the week is today?

3\. What is today’s date?

4\. What is the current month?

5\. What is the current year?

6\. How old am I?

7\. What season is it?

Take a deep breath to end.

Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder.

Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud.

Take a deep breath to end.

Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment.

Take a deep breath to end.

Try another grounding activity

I feel grounded and ready