--- title: Survivor Spaces Community ~ A safe harbor for survivors description: A safe harbor for survivors of sexual harm, domestic violence, and abuse. Share your story, exchange messages of hope, and find community support. url: https://stories.itsonus.org/en/index.md --- {{customAnalyticsScripts}} [\[Image: Survivor Spaces Logo\]\[Image: Survivor Spaces Logo\]](/en/) [ Community ](/en/)[ Questions & Answers ](/en/learn)[ Find Support ](/en/resources) Share story Post a message 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? Try a grounding activity For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Show resources for \[Image: United States\]United States [\[Image: Argentina\]Argentina](/?country=ar)[\[Image: Australia\]Australia](/?country=au)[\[Image: Bolivia\]Bolivia](/?country=bo)[\[Image: Canada\]Canada](/?country=ca)[\[Image: Chile\]Chile](/?country=cl)[\[Image: Colombia\]Colombia](/?country=co)[\[Image: Costa Rica\]Costa Rica](/?country=cr)[\[Image: Cuba\]Cuba](/?country=cu)[\[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic](/?country=do)[\[Image: Ecuador\]Ecuador](/?country=ec)[\[Image: El Salvador\]El Salvador](/?country=sv)[\[Image: Equatorial Guinea\]Equatorial Guinea](/?country=gq)[\[Image: Guatemala\]Guatemala](/?country=gt)[\[Image: Honduras\]Honduras](/?country=hn)[\[Image: Ireland\]Ireland](/?country=ie)[\[Image: Japan\]Japan](/?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/?country=pa)[\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay](/?country=py)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/?country=ve) English [English](/en/)[Español](/es/)[日本語](/ja/) [ About It's On Us ](https://www.itsonus.org)[ About End Rape On Campus ](https://www.endrapeoncampus.org) Made with in Raleigh, NC Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms) Have feedback? Send it to us # Community All Community Messages Survivor Stories Curated Sort by - Curated - Newest Format Format - Narrative - Artwork Find by Tag I was... Home at Work in School / University in a Bar / Restaurant in the Military at a Social Event Traveling in a Religious Setting Other The person who harmed me was a... Stranger Acquaintance Non-Romantic Friend Casual / First Date Romantic Partner Ex-Partner Family Member Authority Figure I identify as... Asian Hispanic / Latino / Spanish Two or More Races White My sexual orientation is... LGBTQ+ Straight / Heterosexual Lesbian / Gay Bisexual Pansexual Queer I identify as... a Man a Woman Transgender Gender nonconforming Non-binary I was... a Child a Teenager a Young Adult an Adult When this occurred I also experienced... Physical harm Emotional abuse Stalking Verbal abuse ### Welcome to Survivor Spaces. This is a space where survivors of trauma and abuse share their stories alongside supportive allies. These stories remind us that hope exists even in dark times. You are never alone in your experience. Healing is possible for everyone. ##### What feels like the right place to start today? 🌤️ ✍️ 🙋 🤲 I'm ready to explore the community ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### my voice has returned I was silenced for so long, now my voice rings free. I’m still filled with agony and it’s hard to bear, but there is hope and I know each day I am getting better. I was silenced by so many who wanted to keep me and my story down. I was sexually assaulted by a member of a fraternity and then the whole fraternity has worked endlessly to help cover up my assault. I was too scared to even come forward as they threatened me and started rumors and lies to harass me. I will not be silent anymore. I am standing strong and resilient. They did not break me, I will rise from this terrible event. I am leaving behind the shell of me who never would have spoken up and sat in agony longer everyday for someone who now stands tall and proud. I’ve used my voice and my experiences to advocate for others who have been hurt like me. I am ready to use my voice for good and start a revolution. ](/en/story/my-voice-has-returned-156) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Hope From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #1450](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/surviving-my-father-1450) [ I promise you aren't alone. It may feel it when you are in the darkest times or carry all the shame and guilt. Just let it go, the stress and physical pain you carry is not worth what hurt you in the first place. When you keep hurting from someone else, you put the power back into their hands. Take control. ](/en/message/i-promise-you-arent-alone-it-may-feel-it-when-you-are-in-the-darkest-times-or-carry-all-the-shame-and-guilt-just-let-it-go-the-stress-and-physical-pain-you-carry-is-not-worth-what-hurt-you-in-the-firs-1275) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### #164 This is a interactive blog I created to share my sexual assault story, and my journey to healing. I only hope that others will have the courage to speak their truth. We all have a story and we are all in this journey to healing together. ](/en/story/01c6aca5-af51-4957-96c1-c86c6c603f91) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report #### Healing is not linear. It is different for everyone. It is important that we stay patient with ourselves when setbacks occur in our process. Forgive yourself for everything that may go wrong along the way. ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #238](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/a-cold-winter-night-238) [ Healing is being able to cope with day-to-day life with the realities of being a survivor, and connect with other survivors for mutual support. ](/en/message/healing-is-being-able-to-cope-with-day-to-day-life-with-the-realities-of-being-a-survivor-and-connect-with-other-survivors-for-mutual-support-217) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### someday survivor he was like an older brother to me; my first best friend from birth, friendship formed from being neighbors. 4 years older than me. when i was 9 he wanted to play a game. he took me into a room away from his niece, younger than me and another close friend. he pulled down my clothes. denim shorts, i remember the feeling of them. once he got in, i had a gut feeling and ran. he let me, and when i went back to his niece, he took her back to the same room. i sat down and couldn’t move. i carry that guilt with me every single day, of not stopping him from taking her. i’ll never know what happened, but i know what he did to me. i would give up myself a thousand times over to go back and make sure she never feels that. i often feel as though i am more scared now than i was back then, as a child. i didn’t have words then for what it was, but now that i finally know what to call it, i can’t say the word without feeling like i’ll break. the more memories i gain, the more numb i become. i want to be a survivor; i want to feel like this isn’t destroying me inside and out. i want to survive. ](/en/story/someday-survivor-189) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Hope From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #145](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/blackout-145) [ Dear fellow survivor, You are not alone. What happened to you isn't your fault. What you recall is valid. How you felt about that moment is valid. How you decide to carry forward is valid. It may seem that your journey is one that you have to take alone. Alone, no. Defining what you need for yourself? Yes. There is a community that surrounds you and it is full of love and a shared identity. Lean on the community when you need to. We are here for each other. ](/en/message/dear-fellow-survivor-you-are-not-alone-what-happened-to-you-isnt-your-fault-what-you-recall-is-valid-how-you-felt-about-that-moment-is-valid-how-you-decide-to-carry-forward-is-valid-it-may-seem-that-y-127) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### Speaking up.. I was just 3 years old when it started, my mom walked in on my older brother telling me to get undressed to play the love doctor game. He is my half brother so we had different moms. My mom told my dad to keep his son away from me. Unfortunately it continued for 11 more years. He would hold me down, cover my mouth and touch me or rub up against me. He would wake me up in the middle of the night by touching me. He would even do it when my dad was in the same room asleep but I couldn’t move, I was frozen. I fought everything at first but he was bigger than me and stronger than me so I soon learned that I was powerless. I would lay there crying and then I eventually went numb and would derealize. One time, I was wearing a bathing suit and my brother proceeded to tell me that I put it on to tease him. After that I hated wearing bathing suits. We went on a family vacation with my whole family, we were in the lake, and he started touching me in the lake, I couldn’t do anything but freeze. Those are just a few times it occurred given it was almost every day. He did it in front of my little cousin who then thought it was okay to grab my butt and try and kiss me. I came out about my abuse my sophomore year of High school, so about 2 years ago. I spiraled very fast starting high school, I began drinking a lot and getting into drugs to cope. One night, I was at a party and I got extremely drunk and high and was passed out, my ex bf dragged me into this supply closet and raped me. Everyone called me a whore for it and blamed me. I then went on a date with a guy later that year, for Valentine’s Day, he asked me to give him oral, I said no, multiple times, then he forced me, I cried the whole time, and still to this day he sees nothing wrong with it. I was told I shouldn’t have put myself in that position. I am still forced to be around all of these people and struggle with my mental health. I have PTSD, Anxiety, and depression, and they have no consequences for their actions only I do. ](/en/story/speaking-up-165) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #161](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/aaaaa-161) [ Healing was the best I could have done. It meant everything to me, it made me a better version of myself, It made me realize that I can live without this toxic person. It thought me to love myself and appreciate me. ](/en/message/healing-was-the-best-i-could-have-done-it-meant-everything-to-me-it-made-me-a-better-version-of-myself-it-made-me-realize-that-i-can-live-without-this-toxic-person-it-thought-me-to-love-myself-and-app-149) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report #### “You are the author of your own story. Your story is yours and yours alone despite your experiences.” ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### I am more without you. My parents had never allowed me to date someone before so when they told me they trusted you I was so excited. You made me believe that love was pure and that you were honest in your intentions. I was so young when you taught me how easy it is to be drowned out by lies and false comfort. You used my friends and family against me until I had only your support to go off of. You never heard my cries or my plead to stop. You always did what you wanted. When you wanted. I will never forget you for teaching me how horrid someone can be. Even so, I will heal and grow without you in my life. ](/en/story/i-am-more-without-you-417) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #535](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/intake-specialist-crime-victims-litigation-535) [ Healing means everything to me- And honestly you are healing every single day!! every single day!! little by little. ](/en/message/healing-means-everything-to-me-and-honestly-you-are-healing-every-single-day-every-single-day-little-by-little-454) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### Recovery Cake Recovery Cake Ingredients: ½ cup journal writing 2 whole, barely ripe boyfriends 3 cups stiffly beaten sister 2 tablespoons peer counseling (can be sour) ¼ cup spicy lawsuit 2 cups therapy 2 teaspoons college 6 heaping tablespoons organic employment small pinch lukewarm volunteer work 1 whole unbleached husband 2 ½ cups sweetened children 4 cups wholegrain therapy 5 tablespoons sifted friends 1 grated, sharp book Directions: 1. Preheat oven to 575 F. 2. In a large bowl, beat together journal writing, boyfriends and sister until poised. Slowly mix in peer counseling, lawsuit and therapy, beating well after each addition. Set aside. 3. Stir together college, employment and volunteer work in a large saucepan. Set over low heat and let stimulate. 4. Wash and dry husband and children thoroughly then add ½ husband and 2 children to saucepan until all scintillating. 5. Pour the contents of the saucepan into large mixing bowl and mix until barely unified. Refrigerate for 5 years. 6. In a separate bowl, whisk together remaining ½ husband and wholegrain therapy. Continue whisking until sappy. Add to large mixing bowl and stir for 6 months. 7. Pour batter into a lubricated 10-foot round cake pan. Bake for 32 hours and 13 minutes, or until a cake tester inserted in the center comes out uncontaminated. 8. Cool in pan for 3 minutes. Turn out onto a cake rack and cool completely. 9. When cool, sprinkle with remaining ½ child, friends and book This is an impelling, complex tasting cake for very special occasions; delicious any time of year. Its beauty lies in how different the texture every time it is made. Try swapping out some ingredients. For example, more college, less boyfriend, or you may want to leave out the sister and measure equal portions of additional friends. Be creative and give it your own flair. Serves 10 tons of childhood abuse ](/en/story/recovery-cake-158) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #155](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/f4660c8e-3c7b-497f-b9d7-2ed59f32bfee) [ Healing for me is recognizing the situation, my feelings and realizing when someone harasses me, it's not my fault. I am continuously working to stay strong and speak out against sexual harassment. And hopefully one day I won't need to. ](/en/message/healing-for-me-is-recognizing-the-situation-my-feelings-and-realizing-when-someone-harasses-me-its-not-my-fault-i-am-continuously-working-to-stay-strong-and-speak-out-against-sexual-harassment-and-hop-143) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### #155 I was married and attending a wedding with my now ex husband. His friend came up to me shoved his knee between my legs, grinder on me and backed up and said, now who wants to smell my knee. I was humiliated and my ex and his friends dismissed me and said that's just how he is. I pushed thw issue and my ex verbally attacked me for telling a guy friend of mine who was taking up for me. I was beaten down emotionally and my ex pushed me to apologize to his friend. And I did. I have healed now, I am able to talk about what happened without fear of what could happen. And that had made me feel powerful. ](/en/story/f4660c8e-3c7b-497f-b9d7-2ed59f32bfee) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report #### “You are not broken; you are not disgusting or unworthy; you are not unlovable; you are wonderful, strong, and worthy.” ##### Message of Hope From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #165](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/speaking-up-165) [ You are going to be okay, recovery and healing is a long painful road. But you are still here and you are still fighting, talk to someone. You are not alone and you are loved. ](/en/message/you-are-going-to-be-okay-recovery-and-healing-is-a-long-painful-road-but-you-are-still-here-and-you-are-still-fighting-talk-to-someone-you-are-not-alone-and-you-are-loved-154) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [BlackoutIt happened during my second year of graduate school. I traveled from Boston to Connecticut to attend a friend's birthday party. I had other friends that I knew who were going to be there, so I decided why not. The party took place in a private room in the back of a lounge/restaurant. Most of the people who attended where either in the same sorority as me, were a friend, fraternity brother, or fellow military officers of the birthday boy. We all were either dancing, drinking, and grooving to the music that was being played by the DJ in his corner. I remember the birthday boy asking me to take a series of drinking shots with him and a few friends---all custom made by the bartender. "Give us your best shot! \[laughter\] Surprise us," is what I remember him stating to the bartender over the loud music. The two shots we took at jägermeister mixed with a few other liqueurs. Black out. I woke up naked in a hotel room laying on top of and kissing another female friend surrounded by at least four other men in the room. They were encouraging us to continue to make out and grind on one another, including the birthday boy. In the moment, it looked and felt like that scene in a movie where a group of drunk college boys are at a party and egging each other on to do something stupid--but in slow motion. The slow motion became faster and reality sank in. I remember becoming fully aware of what was happening and jumping back and off of her. I remember her passing out. Black out. I woke up again. This time on the floor in front of the hotel bed. He was having sex with me as I woke up from my unconsciousness. I remember looking up to his face and looking to the left of his face realizing that the hotel tv was playing in the background. I remember telling him "no" and "stop" and pushing him off of me. I ran to the bathroom. I was still naked. As I entered the bathroom and shut the door, the first thought that came to my head as I looked into the mirror was, "How the hell did you get yourself into this situation? Is this really you? Are you really here right now?" I started to cry and then quickly reminded myself of where I was at. I then said to myself, "Wash your face. Find your clothes. Find your phone. But don't make a scene." So I washed the darkened mascara off myself. Walked out of the bathroom to find my clothes and phone. I realized that everyone except him seemed to be sleeping and there was another person who was sitting on top of the bed watching tv. The same tv that I saw to the left of him. The same bed that I woke up in front of, on the floor. "Was he just watching this entire time and didn't do anything?" That's what I asked myself. I found my clothes and phone. Phone was dead. After some time passed, everyone started to wake up and I just sat in the chair and waited for everyone to get dressed. We left the hotel room and went to a local IHOP for breakfast. I wasn't sure how to process what happened just hours before. I wasn't sure if I felt safe enough to ask them what happened. I felt disgusted with myself. I also wasn't sure if what I experienced was real. I was hungover. They all were in the military, including the female I woke up in my consciousness to the first time. They drove me all the back to Boston and dropped me off at home. There was no mention about what happened. Goodbye. I entered my apartment, went upstairs, got in the shower and cried. After the shower, I crawled in my bed. Black out.](/en/story/blackout-145) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #1228](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/e1579fff-0449-47c8-a72e-f136f06dc58e) [ Healing is being not thinking that this defines who I am. Healing is walking pass him on campus and smiling to myself because he doesn’t have any hold over me anymore. Healing is powerful. ](/en/message/healing-is-being-not-thinking-that-this-defines-who-i-am-healing-is-walking-pass-him-on-campus-and-smiling-to-myself-because-he-doesnt-have-any-hold-over-me-anymore-healing-is-powerful-1127) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### #342 “You are not alone. It was not your fault. It is possible to heal. It is not too late.” As a survivor of trauma and abuse, I am learning to cope with strategies – such as denial, self-blame, an unconscious reenactment of unresolved traumatic experiences, and normalizing sexual exploitation. When I was hurt being sexually traumatized by my father, secrecy, shame, and self-worth boundaries did not matter. No one could be trusted, and the world was not safe. Emotions from my childhood were complex and confusing. There was no single method or pattern of remembering a traumatic experience. I went through my life trying to satisfy everyone, and always forgot myself, but God blessed me by helping me get through my adulthood trauma. With faith in the Lord, everything comes to light. Yes, good is the light that shines within ones-self, and that makes you attract and remember that any trauma can be overcome, as-long-as you remember that we can teach ourselves appropriately how to feel about ourselves. And, that we all deserve the best. Remember we are born to love, to express love, and feel happy about living. Remember, God has our back, and always remember, He sees all. Amen. I experienced that shame and defensiveness throughout my childhood and all through high school. I kept moving, and I kept attempting to ignore the fact that I had this massive entity inside me which I needed to get out of! Today there are many times I do not feel comfortable expressing my emotions and attempt to cope through self-destructive behavior which then impacts my life. I have finally shared my story publicly, and have started feeling some real, significant relief. I’ve expressed my emotions, and no one has reacted negatively. No one has judged me nor have they thoughtless of me. But now I think, “You know what? My family doesn’t know this about me.” I have been afraid to tell my family for so many years! And, finally, it is time. Here is what I want you to know: If you’ve experienced any kind of sexual abuse or trauma, you do not have to feel guilty! You can forgive yourself, and you can forgive others for their behavior. You no longer need be a prisoner of these experiences. Focus on what you have. That may be easier said than done. But, when you’ve lost something so important, you need to focus on what you have, and make the best of what you have, and do not fall into the trap of self-pity! One neat trick is to find at least one positive thought and focus all your energy on that premise! At first, it may feel too little, but once you maintain focus and all your energy on that one thought, you’ll find coping with the present setting a much more positive experience. Take small steps to make subtle shifts, “The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.” – Lao Tzu. Again, in dealing with trauma, healing will not happen quickly. You must remember to be patient and gentle with yourself while allowing the process to unfold. It is important not to be harsh with yourself. Indeed, you’ve already experienced enough. The good news is that there are very effective ways to cope with and treat the effects of trauma. I have found these actions quite helpful. \*Lean on your loved ones. Identify friends or family members for support. If you feel ready to discuss the traumatic event, you might talk to them about your experience and your feelings. You can also ask loved ones to help you with household tasks or other obligations to relieve some of your daily stress. \*Face your feelings. It’s normal to want to avoid thinking about a traumatic event. But not leaving the house, sleeping all the time, isolating yourself from loved ones, and using substances to escape reminders are not healthy ways to cope over time. Though avoidance is normal, too much of it can prolong your stress and keep you from healing. Gradually, try to ease back into a normal routine. Support from loved ones or a mental health professional can help quite a bit as you get back-in-the-groove. \*Be patient. Remember that it’s normal to have a strong reaction to a distressing event. Take things one-day-at-a-time as you recover. As the days pass, your symptoms should start to gradually improve. One final thing: The Sexual Violence Survivor’s Bill of Rights: 1. No one has the right to abuse you or anyone else. 2. No one deserves to be assaulted or abused. 3. You have a right to stop the abuse that is happening to you or anyone else. 4. You have a right to pursue healing and justice for the abuse that has happened. 5. Sexual violence is wrong. The abuser is wrong. People who protect the abuser are wrong. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. 6. You did not destroy the family or betray their trust by speaking out about your abuse. The perpetrator destroyed the trust of the family every time he/she committed an act of abuse, Bible Quotes: Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 2 Corinthians 1:4 “Suffering in this life often feels meaningless. Scripture immediately brings a sense of purpose to our suffering. Those who have been comforted by God—strengthened, encouraged, relieved of the burden—have opportunity to pass along comfort to others who are suffering. In that sense, God's comfort is reproducible and repeatable. God remains the source, but believers can keep distributing God's comfort to others who suffer as they have.” ](/en/story/ece396a9-7ee5-4ee5-b631-bd80262368fd) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #1450](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/surviving-my-father-1450) [ Healing means to me, finding myself and learning to be 'selfish'. We are taught young, especially as young women, that our life is meant to give to others, and being selfish, is well, selfish. But there is more to that! If you can't truly love yourself or take care of yourself, how will you take care of others? How do you become a beacon of light to guide others when your own batteries are still dead? Healing is hard, but worth it. ](/en/message/healing-means-to-me-finding-myself-and-learning-to-be-selfish-we-are-taught-young-especially-as-young-women-that-our-life-is-meant-to-give-to-others-and-being-selfish-is-well-selfish-but-there-is-more-1276) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report #### “It can be really difficult to ask for help when you are struggling. Healing is a huge weight to bear, but you do not need to bear it on your own.” ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### You are not alone, you are a survivor You are not alone; you are a survivor. Hebrew 10:17-18 You are not partially forgiven. You are perfectly forgiven. Revelation 21:4, "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." Joel 2:25, "God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing all you need is faith. I hope this will be my final chapter of letting go of what on my heart regarding being sexually abused. This has been a journey for the past 40 plus years of my life. Been sick in tired hold it in my heart, I had no one to talk to about the abuse. I held it in for years, one day in late April of 2020 I spoke with name from Men Passionate about Christ that was the first step. The guys from MPAC were there to listen and guide me through the different bible verses. This helped me to get over some of my issues. So I want to say please speak with someone about it and do not hold it in for years or months all it going to do make you sick. It also gives you a flashback from someone abusing you. One thing some people will not believe you that you have been sexually abused ignore them. Try to get help by speaking with someone professional or good friend about it. Isaiah 43:2-3a: "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God." There one question I ask myself all the time, Is why my father sexually abused me for years. I cannot get the answer because he has passed away. I have been doing some thinking for the past month. Trying to find the answer through studying and asking questions. The bad part of my life I will never know the why, so this could haunt me for a long time. I was not prepared to cope with repeated pain and fear of sexual abused. I could not understand the sexual activity that was being done to me. I suffered emotionally for years I experienced shame and self-doubt. Not all sexual abused children will be gay. That goes for both males and females. One of the biggest problems was I never disclosed my sexually abused to anyone. I developed low self-esteem, a feeling of worthlessness, and an abnormal or distorted view of sex. I become withdrawn and distrustful of many people in my life. Sexual abuse is no joking matter, It happens every day in someone's life. It could be a family member, a close friend, or even your next-door neighbor that did this to you. Age does make a difference I was in my early teens when was abused, I had all three. I was too young. I lost my childhood. Here are some stats that I found on the internet regarding sexual abuse of young males and females: 1 in 3 girls are sexually abused before the age of 18 1 in 5 boys are sexually abused before the age of 18 1 in 5 children is solicited sexually while on the internet before the age of 18. Some of my hidden problems when I was growing up were, feeling shame, not being believed, lack of vocabulary, and fear of consequences. The list goes on. Here are some of the Immediate and lasting effects that I had growing up and experienced as a child. Low–esteem or self-hatred, depression, Guilt, Shame, and blame. The biggest problem I had was flashbacks of the images of abuse I still experience flashback nightmares. I have forgiven my father for he has down to me. It did hard to do for so many years. Now I understand forgiveness and peace. In the last three months, I have seen a difference in my life. I feel at peace and the pressure has been lifted off my shoulders. I was a prisoner of my memories, I was lying to friends and family members about everything. I have started making peace with my brother and sister-in-law. For the past year. we had been talking on the phone every Sunday. To all that read this article: I do understand we you are coming from. Some people do not believe in you that you have been abused and some do. All my life there people do not have to believe in God is the only one that will protect them and give them strength. Jesus does listen it may take time but, he is for you. (Quote) Be patient with yourself, over time you might notice small pleasures, small moments that make you feel like you are coming back to some parts of yourself that are not lost. Forgive those who have hurt you, trust is a process, yes but forgiveness is an instant choice of your will. You can begin to reclaim the peace and joy in your life when you can move from the pain. God's Promise to you is….STRENGTH The lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Palm 27:1 Isaiah 41:10 Roman 3: God extends grace to us instead of judgment. Some of my references came from rain.org, 1in6.org, the bible, and Michelle Bowdler author and advocate ](/en/story/you-are-not-alone-you-are-a-survivor-374) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Community Message 🇺🇸 [ I moved to the US from Japan when I was 13. A female teacher offered to give me extra help since I was new to this culture and struggling to keep up with the other students. During study hall and after school I would go to her room where it was just us two. At first things were fine but about a month into her tutoring me things got weird. She started unbuttoning the top 4 buttons on her shirt and leaning down over my desk giving me ample view of her brest. As time went on she would sit beside me ](/en/message/i-moved-to-the-us-from-japan-when-i-was-13-a-female-teacher-offered-to-give-me-extra-help-since-i-was-new-to-this-culture-and-struggling-to-keep-up-with-the-other-students-during-study-hall-and-after-1609) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### Author's Lamentation For Mother Africa. My Name is Author. I dated a very beautiful Lady when I graduated S.U.N.Y. E.S.F.. I was proud of the fact that I had also graduated from Syracuse University. The Lady that I dated was Name. As I got to know Her and it became serious; I learned that She had been raped before the age of 5 by an adult. I tried hard not to pull My Ford Ranger over to the side of the road and sob. When I met at Central Square with a "Christian to ask for advice on how to pray for Her protection - and for this to be ensured that never again would it be repeated; He gave me a disgusting reply. He said "You've been involved with an angel of satan". I hope that one very good day; "christians" have a different outlook on rape victims. That those who sexually exploit young ladies are put in prison. She was African American. I am "Caucasian". When I met Her in Price Chopper - She was carrying a frozen turkey for a Thanksgiving Meal. She reminded me of Robin Givens. I learned that She and Her family has a great history with the Black Panthers. I was so proud to know Her and Her loved ones. Thank God that We are in a great country that fought for racial equlaity and that President Joseph Biden has won; that the legacy of President Barack Obama survives. God Bless the Nation Of Islam for having a strong mandate that no Lady ever be defiled. We are in the Land of One Person, One Vote. I dated a Kikuyu Princess in Nairobi, Kenya and I will never forget making love to Her Our trip from Israel to Kenya. We dated throughout the great city of Nairobi; and by the time that We were ready to plan Our next date - I was almost out of spending money. All that I had to give Her from the Open Market was an indigo pair of Ear Rings. Had I been a Trillioneer, I would have built Her a castle in The United States and let Her live as the Queen that She is. God Bless Judy, The Lady Saint Judith. Please support civil rights, strong anti-rape Laws and severely strong Law enforcement for the protection of Females - and prevention of Sexual Exploitation. All of this account is True; and the Facts can be checked and proven True. I look forward to a day when the truth is not twisted into lies by gossip. When the death of precious people in Africa by great famine - is taken seriously. When the environment and wildlife are protected. Thank You to The Syracuse University and College of Environmental Science and Forestry for having emergency measures in place for Female students in danger. Author Class Of Year Environmental and Forest Biology. Helper of The Direct Deployment Team. Syracuse Police Department God Bless The New York State Troopers. God Bless Nelson Mandela God Bless the United Nations Thank You to Dr. Newman for Worlds Of Food And Famine God Bless B.B. KIng "There's Always One More Time" When I have been very down; I remember what Wesley Snipes said: "Always Bet On Black". Even though I hate and avoid gambling. ](/en/story/lamentation-for-mother-africa-163) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Hope From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #156](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/my-voice-has-returned-156) [ Hope is so hard to have, it took me so long to gain, but with every day and every break through I know that things will change. Not just for me, but for everyone. That is the hope I have, that is the future I fight for. I determine my own resiliency and I am proud of the person I am becoming. I am proud of my voice challenging others. There is so much hope in every single day ](/en/message/hope-is-so-hard-to-have-it-took-me-so-long-to-gain-but-with-every-day-and-every-break-through-i-know-that-things-will-change-not-just-for-me-but-for-everyone-that-is-the-hope-i-have-that-is-the-future-144) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### #168 I was only 6 years old when I was sexually assaulted. The first time I talked about it with anyone and said it out loud was this year. I'm now 22... that means it's been 16 years later. But I am so thankful to have the support system I do have - the support system who has been strong enough to give me the courage to finally speak up for myself ❤️ ](/en/story/40211980-7dee-4b52-b5e6-ab2b5575fa01) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report #### “Healing is different for everyone, but for me it is listening to myself...I make sure to take some time out of each week to put me first and practice self-care.” ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #417](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/i-am-more-without-you-417) [ Healing is entirely when you can call yourself a survivor and not a victim. That is when you take back your story and your power and learn that you are stronger now. ](/en/message/healing-is-entirely-when-you-can-call-yourself-a-survivor-and-not-a-victim-that-is-when-you-take-back-your-story-and-your-power-and-learn-that-you-are-stronger-now-360) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### Survivor (she/they) I was in a relationship when I was 15. He was older than me. He pressured me to do things I didn’t want to. One day he pushed me against a wall after I told him I had to go home and he started to take of my pants and do things to me while I tried get out of there. Unfortunately he was much (physically) stronger than me. He would also hurt me physically. He choked me once (not in a sexual way, he actually wanted to hurt me) ](/en/story/survivor-she-they-185) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #156](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/my-voice-has-returned-156) [ Healing is comforting, it’s accepting and knowing that things may never change and that sometimes justice may be slow to come, but that with my story and my actions I can help move forward and give a better future for those after me. I want to start a culture of healing and help those who are like me. So we can make a future where things are different and that more people come forward and share their truth. ](/en/message/healing-is-comforting-its-accepting-and-knowing-that-things-may-never-change-and-that-sometimes-justice-may-be-slow-to-come-but-that-with-my-story-and-my-actions-i-can-help-move-forward-and-give-a-bet-145) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### #178 I didn’t realize that what happened to me was sexual assault until a few years after it happened. I had always felt weird about it, something was off. Until I was in a Facebook group with a bunch of girls, sharing stories about how we lost our virginity or something, and one of them privately messaged me telling me she was a survivor as well... at first I was kind of confused, it still didn’t register, then after talking it out with her, it hit me... I was raped. It was right before I turned 21. I didn’t drink, but was at a party with several friends who were all drinking. It was after a concert, he was in the band. I had known him for a few years, had always had a crush on him. He’s about 4 or 5 years older than me. He was always so nice and everybody loved him. The party was dying down and everyone left except the people staying there(it was about an hour away from where we lived). We started making out, I was into it of course. But I was a virgin, so when he started to try going further, I told him. He backed off a little, then started again. I thought, I’m 21, I trust him, I like him, maybe I might as well finally do it. So I let him. I got nervous and scared though and asked him to stop. I tried to gently push him back a little. He wouldn’t. He kept saying “just the tip, I’ll just put the tip in.” I still tried to push him back but he wouldn’t stop. So I gave in. Then he kept wanting to go further, longer. I started pushing back again, trying to back myself away. “Just a little more, just a little longer, it’s okay it’s okay.” I don’t remember what I did or what happened after. I felt so weird. I didn’t fully understand what happened. I told my two best friends about it, not all of the details or anything, but they knew I slept in the same room as them so I was just like yeah so I finally lost my virginity, and they were excited for me. Again, we all loved him. I never would have imagined he’d hurt me. The thought didn’t even cross my mind. Back then I thought it was only considered rape if it was a stranger attacking you in a dark alley or something. Not someone you’ve known, you trusted, you liked... but he did. He literally took my virginity from me. ](/en/story/c50d036d-115b-40f4-a952-bcdaff353290) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Hope From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #185](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/survivor-she-they-185) [ I am here for you always ](/en/message/i-am-here-for-you-always-1814) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report #### “Healing means forgiving myself for all the things I may have gotten wrong in the moment.” ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### Healing takes time You feel like you will never heal,you will You will never forget but you will heal.. It took years for me to fine my confidence but I have it and will never lose it again...there are curtain things ....like the darkness ,I have nightlight in my house....walked thur hell and came out stronger... Hate roses to this day ,but love flowers... You will one day fine your courage to leave, It took me 17 years ,I did not do it alone had help Was hard ... its been 28 years. I could not save one,but I saved two..I watch my children and now my grandchildren grow and thank God they and I are here ...I am still healing ,but I am now living ... You will heal ... ](/en/story/healing-takes-time-184) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #162](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/love-isnt-forced-162) [ Healing to me means getting back to the level of happy I was before all of this. I miss that girl and I want the world to see her again. She’s strong, confident, and beautiful. I just have to find her again. ](/en/message/healing-to-me-means-getting-back-to-the-level-of-happy-i-was-before-all-of-this-i-miss-that-girl-and-i-want-the-world-to-see-her-again-shes-strong-confident-and-beautiful-i-just-have-to-find-her-again-151) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### #447 Why did you have to be so good at manipulating me. You flirted with me in class, you complimented my outfits when I thought no one cared. You told me you wanted to treat me right, and I'm the fool for beliving you? You told me we should go to the bar, so we did. I felt alive, I felt happy and you just wanted me to keep drinking so I did. You took me back to your place and honestly I don't even remember anything. I woke up and, I've got to give you credit, you were smart to say we had sex right away. It blindsighted me, I liked you so much I didn't want to assume the worst. But of course my little paradise I had with you fell apart. A month later you ended things, said I wasn't right and you wanted to be alone. I felt so destroyed but that wasn't even the worst of it. The puzzle pieces were starting to come together. I'm not coherent when I'm blacked out, if anything I'm demonic. I scream, I vomit, I sieze, I am in no way able to have sex but that didn't matter to you right? Because I wasn't someone you actaully liked, I was just a trophy. I found out only weeks after you left me that you and your football friends had made a bet, a stupid bet to see if you could sleep with me because honestly you weren't that cute. So I hope you're happy, I hope you're proud of yourself for what you did. I hope you never forgot your conquest because you have cursed me to never forget you. -Name ](/en/story/4b4cfe2f-fdd8-4a9b-81cc-069482dd64b7) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #145](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/blackout-145) [ Healing is about self-care, therapy, and practicing positive mental health. I also believe healing is about learning about what your options are and what you can do to reclaim yourself worth, body, and mind. Sometimes after your sexual assault, you don't trust yourself anymore. So you have to work back to loving yourself and reclaiming parts of you that were destroyed in that moment. You won't be fully back to your normal self, but you will evolve into someone who feels more in control and powerful. ](/en/message/healing-is-about-self-care-therapy-and-practicing-positive-mental-health-i-also-believe-healing-is-about-learning-about-what-your-options-are-and-what-you-can-do-to-reclaim-yourself-worth-body-and-min-128) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### Scars Like Wings pt.2 \[Image: Scars Like Wings pt.2\] ](/en/story/scars-like-wings-pt2-190) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report #### We all have the ability to be allies and support the survivors in our lives. ##### Message of Hope From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #152](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/f85ec6cd-8415-4fb2-a2ae-139c8ab88f58) [ Your pain, your strength, your story, and your experiences are so real and so valid. You are not alone. I may not know you but I care about you and I care about your story. You do not have to carry it alone. Yesterday, today, or tomorrow may be difficult, but you have survived every moment up until now and you will make it through. You did not deserve what happened to you and it should never have happened at all. But you are so much more than what happened to you. You are a whole person with ideas, goals, talents, humor, love, and so much more. You are not your trauma. ](/en/message/your-pain-your-strength-your-story-and-your-experiences-are-so-real-and-so-valid-you-are-not-alone-i-may-not-know-you-but-i-care-about-you-and-i-care-about-your-story-you-do-not-have-to-carry-it-alone-137) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### #157 I was a college student working a part-time receptionist job and we went out to happy hour with a group of colleagues. After a few drinks, a smaller group of us went to one colleague's apartment to hang out. You kept mixing drinks and begged me to try them - just a sip, just to taste. I started to feel a little dizzy, and you told me I could crash upstairs for a bit. I woke up in the middle of the night to you removing my clothes and touching me, but I wasn't lucid enough to do anything. I asked you the next day why you did what you did. I was passed out. You told me that it takes two. ](/en/story/23138afd-6482-4937-b3f0-ce1fe46cf40b) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #165](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/speaking-up-165) [ Healing means taking control over my life that I have never had. Healing would mean to me that I am so much stronger than my trauma and that my older brother, my ex, and the guy I went on the date with, do not win, I do. ](/en/message/healing-means-taking-control-over-my-life-that-i-have-never-had-healing-would-mean-to-me-that-i-am-so-much-stronger-than-my-trauma-and-that-my-older-brother-my-ex-and-the-guy-i-went-on-the-date-with-name-155) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### A Person You’ve Never Touched When I was 18 I was raped and physically assaulted by a friend of mine at the time. He was 3 years older than me and it was his 21st birthday. It took me a year to accept what happened, and 4 years to get help through counseling. I used to feel a lot of guilt for not getting help sooner and the way my trauma affected other people in my life/people I was in relationships with. I also hated and still sometimes hate the way it affects me 6 years later, but I’m learning that things don’t always go away on their own and it’s okay to reach out for help, no matter what stage you’re in or how long has passed. You will find people who love and believe you, and you’re more than worthy of that. They say skin completely regenerates every 7 years, so by this time next year I’ll have a body you’ve never touched, and that’s comforting. ](/en/story/a-person-youve-never-touched-206) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Hope From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #162](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/love-isnt-forced-162) [ I know it’s cliche but it does get better. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, you have to hold on and believe that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought about just ending it. I didn’t see a point in fighting anymore. Then I remembered that I have so much to do in this life still, and I refuse to let some scumbag control me anymore. ](/en/message/i-know-its-cliche-but-it-does-get-better-even-if-it-doesnt-seem-like-it-you-have-to-hold-on-and-believe-that-theres-a-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-i-thought-about-just-ending-it-i-didnt-see-a-point-150) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report #### You are wonderful, strong, and worthy. From one survivor to another. ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### You. Are. Enough. Noone has the right to invade your personal space. Rape and Sexual Assault is wrong. Speak up. Report your incident. Get Mental Healthcare. Know that YOU matter and you are not alone. Help is available. Do not keep silent any more. Tell someone. Ask for help and accept it. You are loveable and capable. ](/en/story/you-are-enough-151) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Hope From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #535](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/intake-specialist-crime-victims-litigation-535) [ Love you all!!!!!!!!!!! ](/en/message/love-you-all-453) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ### Welcome to Survivor Spaces. This is a space where survivors of trauma and abuse share their stories alongside supportive allies. These stories remind us that hope exists even in dark times. You are never alone in your experience. Healing is possible for everyone. ##### What feels like the right place to start today? 🌤️ ✍️ 🙋 🤲 I'm ready to explore the community ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### #164 This is a interactive blog I created to share my sexual assault story, and my journey to healing. I only hope that others will have the courage to speak their truth. We all have a story and we are all in this journey to healing together. ](/en/story/01c6aca5-af51-4957-96c1-c86c6c603f91) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### someday survivor he was like an older brother to me; my first best friend from birth, friendship formed from being neighbors. 4 years older than me. when i was 9 he wanted to play a game. he took me into a room away from his niece, younger than me and another close friend. he pulled down my clothes. denim shorts, i remember the feeling of them. once he got in, i had a gut feeling and ran. he let me, and when i went back to his niece, he took her back to the same room. i sat down and couldn’t move. i carry that guilt with me every single day, of not stopping him from taking her. i’ll never know what happened, but i know what he did to me. i would give up myself a thousand times over to go back and make sure she never feels that. i often feel as though i am more scared now than i was back then, as a child. i didn’t have words then for what it was, but now that i finally know what to call it, i can’t say the word without feeling like i’ll break. the more memories i gain, the more numb i become. i want to be a survivor; i want to feel like this isn’t destroying me inside and out. i want to survive. ](/en/story/someday-survivor-189) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #161](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/aaaaa-161) [ Healing was the best I could have done. It meant everything to me, it made me a better version of myself, It made me realize that I can live without this toxic person. It thought me to love myself and appreciate me. ](/en/message/healing-was-the-best-i-could-have-done-it-meant-everything-to-me-it-made-me-a-better-version-of-myself-it-made-me-realize-that-i-can-live-without-this-toxic-person-it-thought-me-to-love-myself-and-app-149) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #535](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/intake-specialist-crime-victims-litigation-535) [ Healing means everything to me- And honestly you are healing every single day!! every single day!! little by little. ](/en/message/healing-means-everything-to-me-and-honestly-you-are-healing-every-single-day-every-single-day-little-by-little-454) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### #155 I was married and attending a wedding with my now ex husband. His friend came up to me shoved his knee between my legs, grinder on me and backed up and said, now who wants to smell my knee. I was humiliated and my ex and his friends dismissed me and said that's just how he is. I pushed thw issue and my ex verbally attacked me for telling a guy friend of mine who was taking up for me. I was beaten down emotionally and my ex pushed me to apologize to his friend. And I did. I have healed now, I am able to talk about what happened without fear of what could happen. And that had made me feel powerful. ](/en/story/f4660c8e-3c7b-497f-b9d7-2ed59f32bfee) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [BlackoutIt happened during my second year of graduate school. I traveled from Boston to Connecticut to attend a friend's birthday party. I had other friends that I knew who were going to be there, so I decided why not. The party took place in a private room in the back of a lounge/restaurant. Most of the people who attended where either in the same sorority as me, were a friend, fraternity brother, or fellow military officers of the birthday boy. We all were either dancing, drinking, and grooving to the music that was being played by the DJ in his corner. I remember the birthday boy asking me to take a series of drinking shots with him and a few friends---all custom made by the bartender. "Give us your best shot! \[laughter\] Surprise us," is what I remember him stating to the bartender over the loud music. The two shots we took at jägermeister mixed with a few other liqueurs. Black out. I woke up naked in a hotel room laying on top of and kissing another female friend surrounded by at least four other men in the room. They were encouraging us to continue to make out and grind on one another, including the birthday boy. In the moment, it looked and felt like that scene in a movie where a group of drunk college boys are at a party and egging each other on to do something stupid--but in slow motion. The slow motion became faster and reality sank in. I remember becoming fully aware of what was happening and jumping back and off of her. I remember her passing out. Black out. I woke up again. This time on the floor in front of the hotel bed. He was having sex with me as I woke up from my unconsciousness. I remember looking up to his face and looking to the left of his face realizing that the hotel tv was playing in the background. I remember telling him "no" and "stop" and pushing him off of me. I ran to the bathroom. I was still naked. As I entered the bathroom and shut the door, the first thought that came to my head as I looked into the mirror was, "How the hell did you get yourself into this situation? Is this really you? Are you really here right now?" I started to cry and then quickly reminded myself of where I was at. I then said to myself, "Wash your face. Find your clothes. Find your phone. But don't make a scene." So I washed the darkened mascara off myself. Walked out of the bathroom to find my clothes and phone. I realized that everyone except him seemed to be sleeping and there was another person who was sitting on top of the bed watching tv. The same tv that I saw to the left of him. The same bed that I woke up in front of, on the floor. "Was he just watching this entire time and didn't do anything?" That's what I asked myself. I found my clothes and phone. Phone was dead. After some time passed, everyone started to wake up and I just sat in the chair and waited for everyone to get dressed. We left the hotel room and went to a local IHOP for breakfast. I wasn't sure how to process what happened just hours before. I wasn't sure if I felt safe enough to ask them what happened. I felt disgusted with myself. I also wasn't sure if what I experienced was real. I was hungover. They all were in the military, including the female I woke up in my consciousness to the first time. They drove me all the back to Boston and dropped me off at home. There was no mention about what happened. Goodbye. I entered my apartment, went upstairs, got in the shower and cried. After the shower, I crawled in my bed. Black out.](/en/story/blackout-145) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #1450](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/surviving-my-father-1450) [ Healing means to me, finding myself and learning to be 'selfish'. We are taught young, especially as young women, that our life is meant to give to others, and being selfish, is well, selfish. But there is more to that! If you can't truly love yourself or take care of yourself, how will you take care of others? How do you become a beacon of light to guide others when your own batteries are still dead? Healing is hard, but worth it. ](/en/message/healing-means-to-me-finding-myself-and-learning-to-be-selfish-we-are-taught-young-especially-as-young-women-that-our-life-is-meant-to-give-to-others-and-being-selfish-is-well-selfish-but-there-is-more-1276) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Community Message 🇺🇸 [ I moved to the US from Japan when I was 13. A female teacher offered to give me extra help since I was new to this culture and struggling to keep up with the other students. During study hall and after school I would go to her room where it was just us two. At first things were fine but about a month into her tutoring me things got weird. She started unbuttoning the top 4 buttons on her shirt and leaning down over my desk giving me ample view of her brest. As time went on she would sit beside me ](/en/message/i-moved-to-the-us-from-japan-when-i-was-13-a-female-teacher-offered-to-give-me-extra-help-since-i-was-new-to-this-culture-and-struggling-to-keep-up-with-the-other-students-during-study-hall-and-after-1609) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### #168 I was only 6 years old when I was sexually assaulted. The first time I talked about it with anyone and said it out loud was this year. I'm now 22... that means it's been 16 years later. But I am so thankful to have the support system I do have - the support system who has been strong enough to give me the courage to finally speak up for myself ❤️ ](/en/story/40211980-7dee-4b52-b5e6-ab2b5575fa01) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### Survivor (she/they) I was in a relationship when I was 15. He was older than me. He pressured me to do things I didn’t want to. One day he pushed me against a wall after I told him I had to go home and he started to take of my pants and do things to me while I tried get out of there. Unfortunately he was much (physically) stronger than me. He would also hurt me physically. He choked me once (not in a sexual way, he actually wanted to hurt me) ](/en/story/survivor-she-they-185) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Hope From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #185](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/survivor-she-they-185) [ I am here for you always ](/en/message/i-am-here-for-you-always-1814) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #162](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/love-isnt-forced-162) [ Healing to me means getting back to the level of happy I was before all of this. I miss that girl and I want the world to see her again. She’s strong, confident, and beautiful. I just have to find her again. ](/en/message/healing-to-me-means-getting-back-to-the-level-of-happy-i-was-before-all-of-this-i-miss-that-girl-and-i-want-the-world-to-see-her-again-shes-strong-confident-and-beautiful-i-just-have-to-find-her-again-151) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### Scars Like Wings pt.2 \[Image: Scars Like Wings pt.2\] ](/en/story/scars-like-wings-pt2-190) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### #157 I was a college student working a part-time receptionist job and we went out to happy hour with a group of colleagues. After a few drinks, a smaller group of us went to one colleague's apartment to hang out. You kept mixing drinks and begged me to try them - just a sip, just to taste. I started to feel a little dizzy, and you told me I could crash upstairs for a bit. I woke up in the middle of the night to you removing my clothes and touching me, but I wasn't lucid enough to do anything. I asked you the next day why you did what you did. I was passed out. You told me that it takes two. ](/en/story/23138afd-6482-4937-b3f0-ce1fe46cf40b) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Hope From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #162](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/love-isnt-forced-162) [ I know it’s cliche but it does get better. Even if it doesn’t seem like it, you have to hold on and believe that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought about just ending it. I didn’t see a point in fighting anymore. Then I remembered that I have so much to do in this life still, and I refuse to let some scumbag control me anymore. ](/en/message/i-know-its-cliche-but-it-does-get-better-even-if-it-doesnt-seem-like-it-you-have-to-hold-on-and-believe-that-theres-a-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-i-thought-about-just-ending-it-i-didnt-see-a-point-150) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Hope From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #535](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/intake-specialist-crime-victims-litigation-535) [ Love you all!!!!!!!!!!! ](/en/message/love-you-all-453) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### my voice has returned I was silenced for so long, now my voice rings free. I’m still filled with agony and it’s hard to bear, but there is hope and I know each day I am getting better. I was silenced by so many who wanted to keep me and my story down. I was sexually assaulted by a member of a fraternity and then the whole fraternity has worked endlessly to help cover up my assault. I was too scared to even come forward as they threatened me and started rumors and lies to harass me. I will not be silent anymore. I am standing strong and resilient. They did not break me, I will rise from this terrible event. I am leaving behind the shell of me who never would have spoken up and sat in agony longer everyday for someone who now stands tall and proud. I’ve used my voice and my experiences to advocate for others who have been hurt like me. I am ready to use my voice for good and start a revolution. ](/en/story/my-voice-has-returned-156) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report #### Healing is not linear. It is different for everyone. It is important that we stay patient with ourselves when setbacks occur in our process. Forgive yourself for everything that may go wrong along the way. ##### Message of Hope From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #145](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/blackout-145) [ Dear fellow survivor, You are not alone. What happened to you isn't your fault. What you recall is valid. How you felt about that moment is valid. How you decide to carry forward is valid. It may seem that your journey is one that you have to take alone. Alone, no. Defining what you need for yourself? Yes. There is a community that surrounds you and it is full of love and a shared identity. Lean on the community when you need to. We are here for each other. ](/en/message/dear-fellow-survivor-you-are-not-alone-what-happened-to-you-isnt-your-fault-what-you-recall-is-valid-how-you-felt-about-that-moment-is-valid-how-you-decide-to-carry-forward-is-valid-it-may-seem-that-y-127) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report #### “You are the author of your own story. Your story is yours and yours alone despite your experiences.” ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### Recovery Cake Recovery Cake Ingredients: ½ cup journal writing 2 whole, barely ripe boyfriends 3 cups stiffly beaten sister 2 tablespoons peer counseling (can be sour) ¼ cup spicy lawsuit 2 cups therapy 2 teaspoons college 6 heaping tablespoons organic employment small pinch lukewarm volunteer work 1 whole unbleached husband 2 ½ cups sweetened children 4 cups wholegrain therapy 5 tablespoons sifted friends 1 grated, sharp book Directions: 1. Preheat oven to 575 F. 2. In a large bowl, beat together journal writing, boyfriends and sister until poised. Slowly mix in peer counseling, lawsuit and therapy, beating well after each addition. Set aside. 3. Stir together college, employment and volunteer work in a large saucepan. Set over low heat and let stimulate. 4. Wash and dry husband and children thoroughly then add ½ husband and 2 children to saucepan until all scintillating. 5. Pour the contents of the saucepan into large mixing bowl and mix until barely unified. Refrigerate for 5 years. 6. In a separate bowl, whisk together remaining ½ husband and wholegrain therapy. Continue whisking until sappy. Add to large mixing bowl and stir for 6 months. 7. Pour batter into a lubricated 10-foot round cake pan. Bake for 32 hours and 13 minutes, or until a cake tester inserted in the center comes out uncontaminated. 8. Cool in pan for 3 minutes. Turn out onto a cake rack and cool completely. 9. When cool, sprinkle with remaining ½ child, friends and book This is an impelling, complex tasting cake for very special occasions; delicious any time of year. Its beauty lies in how different the texture every time it is made. Try swapping out some ingredients. For example, more college, less boyfriend, or you may want to leave out the sister and measure equal portions of additional friends. Be creative and give it your own flair. Serves 10 tons of childhood abuse ](/en/story/recovery-cake-158) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report #### “You are not broken; you are not disgusting or unworthy; you are not unlovable; you are wonderful, strong, and worthy.” ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #1228](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/e1579fff-0449-47c8-a72e-f136f06dc58e) [ Healing is being not thinking that this defines who I am. Healing is walking pass him on campus and smiling to myself because he doesn’t have any hold over me anymore. Healing is powerful. ](/en/message/healing-is-being-not-thinking-that-this-defines-who-i-am-healing-is-walking-pass-him-on-campus-and-smiling-to-myself-because-he-doesnt-have-any-hold-over-me-anymore-healing-is-powerful-1127) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report #### “It can be really difficult to ask for help when you are struggling. Healing is a huge weight to bear, but you do not need to bear it on your own.” ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### Author's Lamentation For Mother Africa. My Name is Author. I dated a very beautiful Lady when I graduated S.U.N.Y. E.S.F.. I was proud of the fact that I had also graduated from Syracuse University. The Lady that I dated was Name. As I got to know Her and it became serious; I learned that She had been raped before the age of 5 by an adult. I tried hard not to pull My Ford Ranger over to the side of the road and sob. When I met at Central Square with a "Christian to ask for advice on how to pray for Her protection - and for this to be ensured that never again would it be repeated; He gave me a disgusting reply. He said "You've been involved with an angel of satan". I hope that one very good day; "christians" have a different outlook on rape victims. That those who sexually exploit young ladies are put in prison. She was African American. I am "Caucasian". When I met Her in Price Chopper - She was carrying a frozen turkey for a Thanksgiving Meal. She reminded me of Robin Givens. I learned that She and Her family has a great history with the Black Panthers. I was so proud to know Her and Her loved ones. Thank God that We are in a great country that fought for racial equlaity and that President Joseph Biden has won; that the legacy of President Barack Obama survives. God Bless the Nation Of Islam for having a strong mandate that no Lady ever be defiled. We are in the Land of One Person, One Vote. I dated a Kikuyu Princess in Nairobi, Kenya and I will never forget making love to Her Our trip from Israel to Kenya. We dated throughout the great city of Nairobi; and by the time that We were ready to plan Our next date - I was almost out of spending money. All that I had to give Her from the Open Market was an indigo pair of Ear Rings. Had I been a Trillioneer, I would have built Her a castle in The United States and let Her live as the Queen that She is. God Bless Judy, The Lady Saint Judith. Please support civil rights, strong anti-rape Laws and severely strong Law enforcement for the protection of Females - and prevention of Sexual Exploitation. All of this account is True; and the Facts can be checked and proven True. I look forward to a day when the truth is not twisted into lies by gossip. When the death of precious people in Africa by great famine - is taken seriously. When the environment and wildlife are protected. Thank You to The Syracuse University and College of Environmental Science and Forestry for having emergency measures in place for Female students in danger. Author Class Of Year Environmental and Forest Biology. Helper of The Direct Deployment Team. Syracuse Police Department God Bless The New York State Troopers. God Bless Nelson Mandela God Bless the United Nations Thank You to Dr. Newman for Worlds Of Food And Famine God Bless B.B. KIng "There's Always One More Time" When I have been very down; I remember what Wesley Snipes said: "Always Bet On Black". Even though I hate and avoid gambling. ](/en/story/lamentation-for-mother-africa-163) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report #### “Healing is different for everyone, but for me it is listening to myself...I make sure to take some time out of each week to put me first and practice self-care.” ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #156](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/my-voice-has-returned-156) [ Healing is comforting, it’s accepting and knowing that things may never change and that sometimes justice may be slow to come, but that with my story and my actions I can help move forward and give a better future for those after me. I want to start a culture of healing and help those who are like me. So we can make a future where things are different and that more people come forward and share their truth. ](/en/message/healing-is-comforting-its-accepting-and-knowing-that-things-may-never-change-and-that-sometimes-justice-may-be-slow-to-come-but-that-with-my-story-and-my-actions-i-can-help-move-forward-and-give-a-bet-145) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report #### “Healing means forgiving myself for all the things I may have gotten wrong in the moment.” ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### #447 Why did you have to be so good at manipulating me. You flirted with me in class, you complimented my outfits when I thought no one cared. You told me you wanted to treat me right, and I'm the fool for beliving you? You told me we should go to the bar, so we did. I felt alive, I felt happy and you just wanted me to keep drinking so I did. You took me back to your place and honestly I don't even remember anything. I woke up and, I've got to give you credit, you were smart to say we had sex right away. It blindsighted me, I liked you so much I didn't want to assume the worst. But of course my little paradise I had with you fell apart. A month later you ended things, said I wasn't right and you wanted to be alone. I felt so destroyed but that wasn't even the worst of it. The puzzle pieces were starting to come together. I'm not coherent when I'm blacked out, if anything I'm demonic. I scream, I vomit, I sieze, I am in no way able to have sex but that didn't matter to you right? Because I wasn't someone you actaully liked, I was just a trophy. I found out only weeks after you left me that you and your football friends had made a bet, a stupid bet to see if you could sleep with me because honestly you weren't that cute. So I hope you're happy, I hope you're proud of yourself for what you did. I hope you never forgot your conquest because you have cursed me to never forget you. -Name ](/en/story/4b4cfe2f-fdd8-4a9b-81cc-069482dd64b7) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report #### We all have the ability to be allies and support the survivors in our lives. ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #165](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/speaking-up-165) [ Healing means taking control over my life that I have never had. Healing would mean to me that I am so much stronger than my trauma and that my older brother, my ex, and the guy I went on the date with, do not win, I do. ](/en/message/healing-means-taking-control-over-my-life-that-i-have-never-had-healing-would-mean-to-me-that-i-am-so-much-stronger-than-my-trauma-and-that-my-older-brother-my-ex-and-the-guy-i-went-on-the-date-with-name-155) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report #### You are wonderful, strong, and worthy. From one survivor to another. ##### Message of Hope From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #1450](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/surviving-my-father-1450) [ I promise you aren't alone. It may feel it when you are in the darkest times or carry all the shame and guilt. Just let it go, the stress and physical pain you carry is not worth what hurt you in the first place. When you keep hurting from someone else, you put the power back into their hands. Take control. ](/en/message/i-promise-you-arent-alone-it-may-feel-it-when-you-are-in-the-darkest-times-or-carry-all-the-shame-and-guilt-just-let-it-go-the-stress-and-physical-pain-you-carry-is-not-worth-what-hurt-you-in-the-firs-1275) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #238](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/a-cold-winter-night-238) [ Healing is being able to cope with day-to-day life with the realities of being a survivor, and connect with other survivors for mutual support. ](/en/message/healing-is-being-able-to-cope-with-day-to-day-life-with-the-realities-of-being-a-survivor-and-connect-with-other-survivors-for-mutual-support-217) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### Speaking up.. I was just 3 years old when it started, my mom walked in on my older brother telling me to get undressed to play the love doctor game. He is my half brother so we had different moms. My mom told my dad to keep his son away from me. Unfortunately it continued for 11 more years. He would hold me down, cover my mouth and touch me or rub up against me. He would wake me up in the middle of the night by touching me. He would even do it when my dad was in the same room asleep but I couldn’t move, I was frozen. I fought everything at first but he was bigger than me and stronger than me so I soon learned that I was powerless. I would lay there crying and then I eventually went numb and would derealize. One time, I was wearing a bathing suit and my brother proceeded to tell me that I put it on to tease him. After that I hated wearing bathing suits. We went on a family vacation with my whole family, we were in the lake, and he started touching me in the lake, I couldn’t do anything but freeze. Those are just a few times it occurred given it was almost every day. He did it in front of my little cousin who then thought it was okay to grab my butt and try and kiss me. I came out about my abuse my sophomore year of High school, so about 2 years ago. I spiraled very fast starting high school, I began drinking a lot and getting into drugs to cope. One night, I was at a party and I got extremely drunk and high and was passed out, my ex bf dragged me into this supply closet and raped me. Everyone called me a whore for it and blamed me. I then went on a date with a guy later that year, for Valentine’s Day, he asked me to give him oral, I said no, multiple times, then he forced me, I cried the whole time, and still to this day he sees nothing wrong with it. I was told I shouldn’t have put myself in that position. I am still forced to be around all of these people and struggle with my mental health. I have PTSD, Anxiety, and depression, and they have no consequences for their actions only I do. ](/en/story/speaking-up-165) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### I am more without you. My parents had never allowed me to date someone before so when they told me they trusted you I was so excited. You made me believe that love was pure and that you were honest in your intentions. I was so young when you taught me how easy it is to be drowned out by lies and false comfort. You used my friends and family against me until I had only your support to go off of. You never heard my cries or my plead to stop. You always did what you wanted. When you wanted. I will never forget you for teaching me how horrid someone can be. Even so, I will heal and grow without you in my life. ](/en/story/i-am-more-without-you-417) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #155](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/f4660c8e-3c7b-497f-b9d7-2ed59f32bfee) [ Healing for me is recognizing the situation, my feelings and realizing when someone harasses me, it's not my fault. I am continuously working to stay strong and speak out against sexual harassment. And hopefully one day I won't need to. ](/en/message/healing-for-me-is-recognizing-the-situation-my-feelings-and-realizing-when-someone-harasses-me-its-not-my-fault-i-am-continuously-working-to-stay-strong-and-speak-out-against-sexual-harassment-and-hop-143) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Hope From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #165](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/speaking-up-165) [ You are going to be okay, recovery and healing is a long painful road. But you are still here and you are still fighting, talk to someone. You are not alone and you are loved. ](/en/message/you-are-going-to-be-okay-recovery-and-healing-is-a-long-painful-road-but-you-are-still-here-and-you-are-still-fighting-talk-to-someone-you-are-not-alone-and-you-are-loved-154) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### #342 “You are not alone. It was not your fault. It is possible to heal. It is not too late.” As a survivor of trauma and abuse, I am learning to cope with strategies – such as denial, self-blame, an unconscious reenactment of unresolved traumatic experiences, and normalizing sexual exploitation. When I was hurt being sexually traumatized by my father, secrecy, shame, and self-worth boundaries did not matter. No one could be trusted, and the world was not safe. Emotions from my childhood were complex and confusing. There was no single method or pattern of remembering a traumatic experience. I went through my life trying to satisfy everyone, and always forgot myself, but God blessed me by helping me get through my adulthood trauma. With faith in the Lord, everything comes to light. Yes, good is the light that shines within ones-self, and that makes you attract and remember that any trauma can be overcome, as-long-as you remember that we can teach ourselves appropriately how to feel about ourselves. And, that we all deserve the best. Remember we are born to love, to express love, and feel happy about living. Remember, God has our back, and always remember, He sees all. Amen. I experienced that shame and defensiveness throughout my childhood and all through high school. I kept moving, and I kept attempting to ignore the fact that I had this massive entity inside me which I needed to get out of! Today there are many times I do not feel comfortable expressing my emotions and attempt to cope through self-destructive behavior which then impacts my life. I have finally shared my story publicly, and have started feeling some real, significant relief. I’ve expressed my emotions, and no one has reacted negatively. No one has judged me nor have they thoughtless of me. But now I think, “You know what? My family doesn’t know this about me.” I have been afraid to tell my family for so many years! And, finally, it is time. Here is what I want you to know: If you’ve experienced any kind of sexual abuse or trauma, you do not have to feel guilty! You can forgive yourself, and you can forgive others for their behavior. You no longer need be a prisoner of these experiences. Focus on what you have. That may be easier said than done. But, when you’ve lost something so important, you need to focus on what you have, and make the best of what you have, and do not fall into the trap of self-pity! One neat trick is to find at least one positive thought and focus all your energy on that premise! At first, it may feel too little, but once you maintain focus and all your energy on that one thought, you’ll find coping with the present setting a much more positive experience. Take small steps to make subtle shifts, “The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.” – Lao Tzu. Again, in dealing with trauma, healing will not happen quickly. You must remember to be patient and gentle with yourself while allowing the process to unfold. It is important not to be harsh with yourself. Indeed, you’ve already experienced enough. The good news is that there are very effective ways to cope with and treat the effects of trauma. I have found these actions quite helpful. \*Lean on your loved ones. Identify friends or family members for support. If you feel ready to discuss the traumatic event, you might talk to them about your experience and your feelings. You can also ask loved ones to help you with household tasks or other obligations to relieve some of your daily stress. \*Face your feelings. It’s normal to want to avoid thinking about a traumatic event. But not leaving the house, sleeping all the time, isolating yourself from loved ones, and using substances to escape reminders are not healthy ways to cope over time. Though avoidance is normal, too much of it can prolong your stress and keep you from healing. Gradually, try to ease back into a normal routine. Support from loved ones or a mental health professional can help quite a bit as you get back-in-the-groove. \*Be patient. Remember that it’s normal to have a strong reaction to a distressing event. Take things one-day-at-a-time as you recover. As the days pass, your symptoms should start to gradually improve. One final thing: The Sexual Violence Survivor’s Bill of Rights: 1. No one has the right to abuse you or anyone else. 2. No one deserves to be assaulted or abused. 3. You have a right to stop the abuse that is happening to you or anyone else. 4. You have a right to pursue healing and justice for the abuse that has happened. 5. Sexual violence is wrong. The abuser is wrong. People who protect the abuser are wrong. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. 6. You did not destroy the family or betray their trust by speaking out about your abuse. The perpetrator destroyed the trust of the family every time he/she committed an act of abuse, Bible Quotes: Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." 2 Corinthians 1:4 “Suffering in this life often feels meaningless. Scripture immediately brings a sense of purpose to our suffering. Those who have been comforted by God—strengthened, encouraged, relieved of the burden—have opportunity to pass along comfort to others who are suffering. In that sense, God's comfort is reproducible and repeatable. God remains the source, but believers can keep distributing God's comfort to others who suffer as they have.” ](/en/story/ece396a9-7ee5-4ee5-b631-bd80262368fd) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### You are not alone, you are a survivor You are not alone; you are a survivor. Hebrew 10:17-18 You are not partially forgiven. You are perfectly forgiven. Revelation 21:4, "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." Joel 2:25, "God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing all you need is faith. I hope this will be my final chapter of letting go of what on my heart regarding being sexually abused. This has been a journey for the past 40 plus years of my life. Been sick in tired hold it in my heart, I had no one to talk to about the abuse. I held it in for years, one day in late April of 2020 I spoke with name from Men Passionate about Christ that was the first step. The guys from MPAC were there to listen and guide me through the different bible verses. This helped me to get over some of my issues. So I want to say please speak with someone about it and do not hold it in for years or months all it going to do make you sick. It also gives you a flashback from someone abusing you. One thing some people will not believe you that you have been sexually abused ignore them. Try to get help by speaking with someone professional or good friend about it. Isaiah 43:2-3a: "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God." There one question I ask myself all the time, Is why my father sexually abused me for years. I cannot get the answer because he has passed away. I have been doing some thinking for the past month. Trying to find the answer through studying and asking questions. The bad part of my life I will never know the why, so this could haunt me for a long time. I was not prepared to cope with repeated pain and fear of sexual abused. I could not understand the sexual activity that was being done to me. I suffered emotionally for years I experienced shame and self-doubt. Not all sexual abused children will be gay. That goes for both males and females. One of the biggest problems was I never disclosed my sexually abused to anyone. I developed low self-esteem, a feeling of worthlessness, and an abnormal or distorted view of sex. I become withdrawn and distrustful of many people in my life. Sexual abuse is no joking matter, It happens every day in someone's life. It could be a family member, a close friend, or even your next-door neighbor that did this to you. Age does make a difference I was in my early teens when was abused, I had all three. I was too young. I lost my childhood. Here are some stats that I found on the internet regarding sexual abuse of young males and females: 1 in 3 girls are sexually abused before the age of 18 1 in 5 boys are sexually abused before the age of 18 1 in 5 children is solicited sexually while on the internet before the age of 18. Some of my hidden problems when I was growing up were, feeling shame, not being believed, lack of vocabulary, and fear of consequences. The list goes on. Here are some of the Immediate and lasting effects that I had growing up and experienced as a child. Low–esteem or self-hatred, depression, Guilt, Shame, and blame. The biggest problem I had was flashbacks of the images of abuse I still experience flashback nightmares. I have forgiven my father for he has down to me. It did hard to do for so many years. Now I understand forgiveness and peace. In the last three months, I have seen a difference in my life. I feel at peace and the pressure has been lifted off my shoulders. I was a prisoner of my memories, I was lying to friends and family members about everything. I have started making peace with my brother and sister-in-law. For the past year. we had been talking on the phone every Sunday. To all that read this article: I do understand we you are coming from. Some people do not believe in you that you have been abused and some do. All my life there people do not have to believe in God is the only one that will protect them and give them strength. Jesus does listen it may take time but, he is for you. (Quote) Be patient with yourself, over time you might notice small pleasures, small moments that make you feel like you are coming back to some parts of yourself that are not lost. Forgive those who have hurt you, trust is a process, yes but forgiveness is an instant choice of your will. You can begin to reclaim the peace and joy in your life when you can move from the pain. God's Promise to you is….STRENGTH The lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Palm 27:1 Isaiah 41:10 Roman 3: God extends grace to us instead of judgment. Some of my references came from rain.org, 1in6.org, the bible, and Michelle Bowdler author and advocate ](/en/story/you-are-not-alone-you-are-a-survivor-374) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Hope From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #156](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/my-voice-has-returned-156) [ Hope is so hard to have, it took me so long to gain, but with every day and every break through I know that things will change. Not just for me, but for everyone. That is the hope I have, that is the future I fight for. I determine my own resiliency and I am proud of the person I am becoming. I am proud of my voice challenging others. There is so much hope in every single day ](/en/message/hope-is-so-hard-to-have-it-took-me-so-long-to-gain-but-with-every-day-and-every-break-through-i-know-that-things-will-change-not-just-for-me-but-for-everyone-that-is-the-hope-i-have-that-is-the-future-144) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #417](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/i-am-more-without-you-417) [ Healing is entirely when you can call yourself a survivor and not a victim. That is when you take back your story and your power and learn that you are stronger now. ](/en/message/healing-is-entirely-when-you-can-call-yourself-a-survivor-and-not-a-victim-that-is-when-you-take-back-your-story-and-your-power-and-learn-that-you-are-stronger-now-360) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### #178 I didn’t realize that what happened to me was sexual assault until a few years after it happened. I had always felt weird about it, something was off. Until I was in a Facebook group with a bunch of girls, sharing stories about how we lost our virginity or something, and one of them privately messaged me telling me she was a survivor as well... at first I was kind of confused, it still didn’t register, then after talking it out with her, it hit me... I was raped. It was right before I turned 21. I didn’t drink, but was at a party with several friends who were all drinking. It was after a concert, he was in the band. I had known him for a few years, had always had a crush on him. He’s about 4 or 5 years older than me. He was always so nice and everybody loved him. The party was dying down and everyone left except the people staying there(it was about an hour away from where we lived). We started making out, I was into it of course. But I was a virgin, so when he started to try going further, I told him. He backed off a little, then started again. I thought, I’m 21, I trust him, I like him, maybe I might as well finally do it. So I let him. I got nervous and scared though and asked him to stop. I tried to gently push him back a little. He wouldn’t. He kept saying “just the tip, I’ll just put the tip in.” I still tried to push him back but he wouldn’t stop. So I gave in. Then he kept wanting to go further, longer. I started pushing back again, trying to back myself away. “Just a little more, just a little longer, it’s okay it’s okay.” I don’t remember what I did or what happened after. I felt so weird. I didn’t fully understand what happened. I told my two best friends about it, not all of the details or anything, but they knew I slept in the same room as them so I was just like yeah so I finally lost my virginity, and they were excited for me. Again, we all loved him. I never would have imagined he’d hurt me. The thought didn’t even cross my mind. Back then I thought it was only considered rape if it was a stranger attacking you in a dark alley or something. Not someone you’ve known, you trusted, you liked... but he did. He literally took my virginity from me. ](/en/story/c50d036d-115b-40f4-a952-bcdaff353290) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### Healing takes time You feel like you will never heal,you will You will never forget but you will heal.. It took years for me to fine my confidence but I have it and will never lose it again...there are curtain things ....like the darkness ,I have nightlight in my house....walked thur hell and came out stronger... Hate roses to this day ,but love flowers... You will one day fine your courage to leave, It took me 17 years ,I did not do it alone had help Was hard ... its been 28 years. I could not save one,but I saved two..I watch my children and now my grandchildren grow and thank God they and I are here ...I am still healing ,but I am now living ... You will heal ... ](/en/story/healing-takes-time-184) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Healing From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #145](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/blackout-145) [ Healing is about self-care, therapy, and practicing positive mental health. I also believe healing is about learning about what your options are and what you can do to reclaim yourself worth, body, and mind. Sometimes after your sexual assault, you don't trust yourself anymore. So you have to work back to loving yourself and reclaiming parts of you that were destroyed in that moment. You won't be fully back to your normal self, but you will evolve into someone who feels more in control and powerful. ](/en/message/healing-is-about-self-care-therapy-and-practicing-positive-mental-health-i-also-believe-healing-is-about-learning-about-what-your-options-are-and-what-you-can-do-to-reclaim-yourself-worth-body-and-min-128) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Message of Hope From a survivor 🇺🇸 [Story #152](https://stories.itsonus.org/story/f85ec6cd-8415-4fb2-a2ae-139c8ab88f58) [ Your pain, your strength, your story, and your experiences are so real and so valid. You are not alone. I may not know you but I care about you and I care about your story. You do not have to carry it alone. Yesterday, today, or tomorrow may be difficult, but you have survived every moment up until now and you will make it through. You did not deserve what happened to you and it should never have happened at all. But you are so much more than what happened to you. You are a whole person with ideas, goals, talents, humor, love, and so much more. You are not your trauma. ](/en/message/your-pain-your-strength-your-story-and-your-experiences-are-so-real-and-so-valid-you-are-not-alone-i-may-not-know-you-but-i-care-about-you-and-i-care-about-your-story-you-do-not-have-to-carry-it-alone-137) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### A Person You’ve Never Touched When I was 18 I was raped and physically assaulted by a friend of mine at the time. He was 3 years older than me and it was his 21st birthday. It took me a year to accept what happened, and 4 years to get help through counseling. I used to feel a lot of guilt for not getting help sooner and the way my trauma affected other people in my life/people I was in relationships with. I also hated and still sometimes hate the way it affects me 6 years later, but I’m learning that things don’t always go away on their own and it’s okay to reach out for help, no matter what stage you’re in or how long has passed. You will find people who love and believe you, and you’re more than worthy of that. They say skin completely regenerates every 7 years, so by this time next year I’ll have a body you’ve never touched, and that’s comforting. ](/en/story/a-person-youve-never-touched-206) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report ##### Story From a survivor 🇺🇸 [ #### You. Are. Enough. Noone has the right to invade your personal space. Rape and Sexual Assault is wrong. Speak up. Report your incident. Get Mental Healthcare. Know that YOU matter and you are not alone. Help is available. Do not keep silent any more. Tell someone. Ask for help and accept it. You are loveable and capable. ](/en/story/you-are-enough-151) 0 Comment(s) Comment(s) - Report 0 Users 0 Views 0 Reactions 0 Stories read ##### Need to take a break? Try a grounding activity For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Show resources for \[Image: United States\]United States [\[Image: Argentina\]Argentina](/?country=ar)[\[Image: Australia\]Australia](/?country=au)[\[Image: Bolivia\]Bolivia](/?country=bo)[\[Image: Canada\]Canada](/?country=ca)[\[Image: Chile\]Chile](/?country=cl)[\[Image: Colombia\]Colombia](/?country=co)[\[Image: Costa Rica\]Costa Rica](/?country=cr)[\[Image: Cuba\]Cuba](/?country=cu)[\[Image: Dominican Republic\]Dominican Republic](/?country=do)[\[Image: Ecuador\]Ecuador](/?country=ec)[\[Image: El Salvador\]El Salvador](/?country=sv)[\[Image: Equatorial Guinea\]Equatorial Guinea](/?country=gq)[\[Image: Guatemala\]Guatemala](/?country=gt)[\[Image: Honduras\]Honduras](/?country=hn)[\[Image: Ireland\]Ireland](/?country=ie)[\[Image: Japan\]Japan](/?country=jp)[\[Image: Mexico\]Mexico](/?country=mx)[\[Image: Nicaragua\]Nicaragua](/?country=ni)[\[Image: New Zealand\]New Zealand](/?country=nz)[\[Image: Panama\]Panama](/?country=pa)[\[Image: Paraguay\]Paraguay](/?country=py)[\[Image: Peru\]Peru](/?country=pe)[\[Image: Puerto Rico\]Puerto Rico](/?country=pr)[\[Image: Spain\]Spain](/?country=es)[\[Image: United Kingdom\]United Kingdom](/?country=gb)[\[Image: Uruguay\]Uruguay](/?country=uy)[\[Image: Venezuela\]Venezuela](/?country=ve) English [English](/en/)[Español](/es/)[日本語](/ja/) [ About It's On Us ](https://www.itsonus.org)[ About End Rape On Campus ](https://www.endrapeoncampus.org) Made with in Raleigh, NC Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms) Have feedback? Send it to us For immediate help, visit {{resource}} Made with in Raleigh, NC | Read our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines), [Privacy Policy](https://www.ourwave.org/en/privacy), and [Terms](https://www.ourwave.org/en/terms) | [ #### Resources ](/en/resources) ### Post a Message Share a message of support with the community. Continue We will send you an email as soon as your message is posted, as well as send helpful resources and support. Post Please adhere to our [Community Guidelines](https://www.ourwave.org/en/community-guidelines) to help us keep Survivor Spaces a safe space. All messages will be reviewed and identifying information removed before they are posted. ### Ask a Question Ask a question about survivorship or supporting survivors. Continue We will send you an email as soon as your question is answered, as well as send helpful resources and support. Submit ### How can we help? Tell us why you are reporting this content. Our moderation team will review your report shortly. Violence, hate, or exploitation Threats, hateful language, or sexual coercion Bullying or unwanted contact Harassment, intimidation, or persistent unwanted messages Scam, fraud, or impersonation Deceptive requests or claiming to be someone else False information Misleading claims or deliberate disinformation Submit ### Share Feedback Tell us what’s working (and what isn't) so we can keep improving. Submit ### Log in Enter the email you used to submit to Survivor Spaces and we'll send you a magic link to access your profile. Send link Grounding activity Find a comfortable place to sit. Gently close your eyes and take a couple of deep breaths - in through your nose (count to 3), out through your mouth (count of 3). Now open your eyes and look around you. Name the following out loud: 5 – things you can see (you can look within the room and out of the window) 4 – things you can feel (what is in front of you that you can touch?) 3 – things you can hear 2 – things you can smell 1 – thing you like about yourself. Take a deep breath to end. From where you are sitting, look around for things that have a texture or are nice or interesting to look at. Hold an object in your hand and bring your full focus to it. Look at where shadows fall on parts of it or maybe where there are shapes that form within the object. Feel how heavy or light it is in your hand and what the surface texture feels like under your fingers (This can also be done with a pet if you have one). Take a deep breath to end. Ask yourself the following questions and answer them out loud: 1\. Where am I? 2\. What day of the week is today? 3\. What is today’s date? 4\. What is the current month? 5\. What is the current year? 6\. How old am I? 7\. What season is it? Take a deep breath to end. Put your right hand palm down on your left shoulder. Put your left hand palm down on your right shoulder. Choose a sentence that will strengthen you. For example: “I am powerful.” Say the sentence out loud first and pat your right hand on your left shoulder, then your left hand on your right shoulder. Alternate the patting. Do ten pats altogether, five on each side, each time repeating your sentences aloud. Take a deep breath to end. Cross your arms in front of you and draw them towards your chest. With your right hand, hold your left upper arm. With your left hand, hold your right upper arm. Squeeze gently, and pull your arms inwards. Hold the squeeze for a little while, finding the right amount of squeeze for you in this moment. Hold the tension and release. Then squeeze for a little while again and release. Stay like that for a moment. Take a deep breath to end. Try another grounding activity I feel grounded and ready